The Penny’s Dropped.

This topic contains 61 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Freshwaterlilly Freshwaterlilly 4 days, 14 hours ago.

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  • #52224
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    How could I have lived this way for (detail removed by Moderator) years? I’ve been looking back over a lifetime of incidents, that at the time seemed innocent enough or non-consequential. After a horrible first marriage that ended in divorce to realise I’ve been in an even more horrible second marriage; to anyone on the outside say he’s so charming. They have no idea. I built our relationship in trust and opened myself to my soul. He was kind, good listener, caring. He admitted in marriage counselling he never told me the full truth because I would never have married him and he’s right!I find all of his economical with the truths after we were married.
    The subtle and blatant lies, the subtle “fine tuning” changes to me over the years. The complete lack of emotion and dissregard when he lies. The checking up on me, the jealousy by him. The utter, painful sarcasm, the times when “it’s just a joke” so lighten up or don’t be so stupid.
    The ammount of violent or sexual derogatory TV shows he watches and finds interesting. The most sarcastic TV that he finds utterly hilarious, while I find it demoralising. He just tells me Im an utter snob.
    Anytime I’ve ever called him out and say it for what it truly is, he just says I’m delusional, stupid, don’t know what I’m talking about, screams at me saying how it’s all my fault, or freezes me out by ignores me for days. This is just the tip of my iceberg, I could go on for years. I just to be away from him and not lose my son.

  • #52228

    Hi there, I completely understand what you’re going through. There are some parts of your post I could have written myself because it’s the exact same stuff my partner does to me. The extreme jealously, demanding to know if I was sat with any men at work, the crazy obsession with my ex because he thought I loved him more. The lies, even when the evidence is staring him in the face, still lies. The “it’s just a joke” based upon my reaction to what he’s just said. If I get upset or offended then it was “just a joke” but if I answer back he’s serious. And the fact that I apparently just don’t get his kind of humour. The sarcasm, treating me as if I’m stupid, patronising me until I actually believe that I am thick. The way he calls me stuck up and up my own arse when I question the way he promotes violence and drugs etc. The mimicking of my accent because im “posh” according to him. Like you, I could go on. It’s their way of dragging us down even further, trying to chip away at our self worth. Do you have any family or friends near you that you could go to with your son?

  • #52229
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Hey there, it’s totally shocking to realise we lived with pure evil. It gets worse once you dump them. I’m not trying to scare you but you need to protect yourself and your son. Expect no empathy or any kind of reasonable behaviour from him. Get a good solicitor, go total no contact (let the solicitor deal with him). Show no weakness. Gather evidence from anywhere you can. Keep abusive texts etc. Mine was stealing from our joint back account without my knowledge. Tens of thousands of pounds. Expect the worst. Even they they stoop lower. Keep posting on here for advice. Most of us have dealt with this part and the advice I got from previous women on here all came true. These abusers are predictable to a huge extent x

  • #52246
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    It’s just me. On my own. My older daughters, both adults live overseas. My mom died years ago. My Dad disowned me through my first divorce, because it wasn’t the Godly thing to do. My brother and I rarely speak. They also live overseas. My husband knows I have no one near that I can reach out or turn to. I’ve been taking baby steps reading, citizens advice, needing help for housing or a divorce but to no avail as I don’t fit the typical checklist. I’m not a priority.

  • #52247
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Have you contacted Women’s Aid? There’s a helpline number on here and they have access to organisations that can help.

    • #53346
      Profile photo of puzzledatlife puzzledatlife 
      Participant

      Look in England I find it is extremely easy to create a good circle of support. Because I am a foreigner and I have to do it many times I may find it easier but honestly I find English people truly supportive and welcoming. IN no time, if you want, you’ll have a good circle of friends who will support you when you decide to leave. (link removed by Moderator) has all sorts of groups you can start sharing things; if you like arts dining out, cinema, activities with the kids. Just join up (detail removed by Moderator), find local groups and go. Hiking, walking, city tours, there is everything. People will talk to you if you are new, you can message each other and in no time you’ll have a network. I also have no family here; they are all away and my ex disappeared just before Xmas leaving me and my son alone. Fortunately I know that I should always have my friends independently of my partner, no matter what. I have also had 2 separation. My first ex left me pregnant. Without my friends I would have died literally alone on a low income with no support and mom for the first time no experience, two jobs and still couldn’t make it to the end of the month. This time too. So just go, join a group, they are all free, join many groups and make friends who share interests with you. X

  • #52248
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Can you stay with your daughters for a while. To get away for a break from him. Have you had legal advice. Ring Rights for Women who offer free legal advice.

  • #52259
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    I’ve had a police incident (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago. It was the very first time I called 999. I felt aweful for calling because I know there’s more people who need help than me, but I didn’t know what else to do. My husband had to take our son and I to an appointment as my (detail removed by Moderator) car he bought me off eBay wouldn’t close the passenger door. He said I was being dramatic but took us. In the car I asked to make arrangements to get my car fixed and plan for taking our son to school. He went verbally bananas at me. Telling me I’m a drama queen, I just want to start issues then turning radio up loudly. I didn’t lie it, somlowered it. He shouted at me to leave his radio alone. If so fudnt like it I could get out. I told him to pull over and I walked home over (detail removed by Moderator) miles to get home. He actually thinks HES the innocent party. The police told me he was very mature, domineering, childish and that I was living in abuse.I was like, no, I can’t be. Am I? It’s all I’ve ever known with him. Police gave my Dav’s number. I called them they suggested Womens Rights and calling for free legal advice. As Ive always been financially dependant in my husband. Every time I try to work I’m forced to quite because my hours get in my husbands way with his hours, or my girl is difficult around my sons school schedule. Every time I try to save a little. Something always comes up where I’m forced to pay for my petrol, groceries, stuff for our son or myself. I’m waiting to go to a stop in session (detail removed by Moderator).

  • #52260
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    Sorry for my typos my brain works faster than I can type.

  • #52261
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    I have no funds to fly myself and my son to (detail removed by Moderator) and to be honest I wouldn’t want to come back if I was able to go.

  • #52262
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    I just paid for Christmas for my son, otherwise he wouldn’t have had one. Although I’m no longer working I paid for everything from our sons birthday in (detail removed by Moderator) all through (detail removed by Moderator). FoOd, presents, teachers gifts, husband small gifts (is it bad I really didn’t want to get him anything but I knew if I didn’t I would be some horrible person)
    There hasn’t been any money in our joint bank account for weeks. Even if there was I would only get screamed at for spending HIS money.

  • #52263
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    Is it ok to use this as s bit of a journal? I don’t have anywhere safe to write my thoughts and my brains in a tornado where I feel random bits are just popping out while I’m trying to make sense of it all. Sorry mods.

  • #52264
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    Today my husband left without saying goodbye overnight with our son. After a week of turmoil, silence, & arguments. I feel sick & exhausted. My son didn’t want to go. My husband doesn’t care because it’s what HE wants to do and when he wants to do it. He just says I’m causing issues and making his life a misery. He says he’s not telling me what to do but when I point out that’s exactly what’s he’s doing he then yells at me that he’s fine with that because he wants to be selfish and that’s the end of it wether I like it or not.
    I don’t care if my husband goes, it’s his family. But I care that his family hates me and never speak kindly of me in front of my son. It’s poison. And I care because my son didn’t actually want to go. He wasn’t given a choice or asked. His father just told him he was going. He actually lied to me saying our son wanted go, when it wasn’t true.

  • #52265
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    My husband left my son and I in Chrustmas Day to visit his family. Because it’s what he wanted to do. I didn’t even cook Christmas dinner and waited until next day so he could still be included. My son was disappointed his holiday had to ruined. I’m trying to do the right thing all the time so I’m not blamed for anything. I felt aweful that I seemed to let my son down?.

  • #52266
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    I’m so tired, yet I don’t sleep well. I’m stressed, worried, anxious yet I have to keep it all together, look for a new job, but a car, get a divorce somehow, move even though I have aweful credit now. I just want a divorce and be with my son back near my children so my son can have that support.

  • #52267
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    You need good legal advice. Sounds like you would be better off financially divorced. Can you ask your daughters to send you money for flights? You don’t need to tell him till youre away and safe. Take your son to them for support. Our brains don’t work properly when we are traumatised. You are doing nothing wrong. My husband just moved the goal posts if he wanted an excuse to abuse me. They will use any little excuse. Or just make stuff up!

  • #52286
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    I’m waiting to get free legal advice, as I can’t afford any. My oldest daughter is willing to help with flights and to testify if needed for a divorce/custody hearing. I don’t want to try and leave the country until until after a divorce as I believe my husband would say Ive kidnapped my own son. (My first husband did that to me, despite it not being true- so I’m all to aware of this scenario.) Im also terrified to get a divorce because I know my husband will play dirty, he’ll blatently lie, deny or won’t remember when it suits him. He knows how to manipulate the system to his advantage.
    I was on stress and depression medicine a couple of years ago. My GP actually asked why I was still married if my life was causing me me health problems. My husband will use that against me. He already has said years ago that no court would grant me our son because I’m not competent, can’t hold down a job or have my own place to live. According to my husband I’m utterly useless. I feel useless, I can’t even seem to get myself out of this hell.

  • #52289
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    We went to mediation (detail removed by Moderator). Honestly it was the worst. I went first said all my grievances. Then he went said his. He came back saying that he would get everything and thanked me for letting him become aware of his oppportunitues available for him. He wouldn’t have to pay maintenance, or provide for our son financially because he would be the one to keep him. Despite me being the stay at home mum all his life.
    Then we went together. My husband made himself out to be the victim and the mediator believed it. I wanted to shrivel up in a ball, I felt so helpless. He made me out to be a money hungry opportunist that was semi insane and delusional. On nothing but his word and our bank statements. He said I was the cause if all his financial worries. Despite my own credit having gone to zero for him. I bought his computer when he couldn’t even get store credit. Needless to say mediation did not work and I felt horrible about myself by both of them. It was hopeless. I didn’t continue from there and everything drifted back to what it’s always been but with his added smugness.

  • #52311
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    Do you think he knows he’s abusive? Or des it not even register in his mind? It must mean something because he’s alwats quick to say I’m the one causing him mental anguish. If it’s so bad for him why wont he just leave? I’ve asked him to leave, he refuses. Why should he leave the house, as asks. Why should he give up everything just because I make him miserable, he says. I’ve asked for a divorce so many times, he’s even said he wants a divorce but always puts it back in me to get one. Why should he pay to get rid of me he asks. If I don’t like things,there’s the door, no ones stopping you. But your not taking our son. You’ll never win against me. I’m always told. He’s the one with a house, car, job and security for our son. I’ve just been useless all these years, making him miserable by not leaving. I’m so confused.

  • #52312
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    If I wanted to leave with my son how could I find a place to stay? Council? Refuge? I just feel like I’m drowning with confusion. Maybe I should stay as I have no financial resources. I’m not sure what to do other than I want to get out. Now that I’m more aware of my situation, I feel a bit panicky, scared and a little crazy/paranoid. Maybe I’m just exhausted and not thinking clearly? Maybe I’m being silly? What if I’ve started this process and people are telling me it’s abyse but what if it’s not and he’s just really unbearable.

  • #52315
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Start with your local women’s aid. Or the helpline. They took me to council offices to help with housing. Offered me a place in a refuge where there is help. My ex always threatened id never see our son. That in itself proves he is abusive. You can ring Rights for Women for free legal advice. I think you already know you’re not being silly. You must have told that GP things were bad in your marriage. That’s evidence against him not you x

  • #52323
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    Thank you. Thank you for your kindness and calm words/advice.
    I’ve been opening up to a dear friend overseas and they suggested getting in touch with the embassy as well, which I’ve done.
    Now I just have to wait through the weekend to get in touch with various people, help and services. It can’t happpen soon enough.

  • #52336
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    I think my husbands deliberately limiting my communication to my son. I texted my husband asking they plan on returning. I got “Don’t know, but will let you know.” That’s his way of saying stay out of it and none of your business, it has nothing to do with you. It’s now end of day and I’ve heard nothing from my husband or my son as his phones been in sleep mode. It’s so frustrating to be treated this way. My husbands utter disregard and shunning me.

  • #52338
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    He’s trying to provoke you into a reaction. They thrive on our distress. Try to relax and don’t engage. My ex used to behave in ways he knew I’d have to respond. That was his chance to launch a tirade of abuse. Try to concentrate on a safe exit plan x

  • #52339
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    Thanks KIP, I will try not to engage further. I’m just worried. What if they don’t come back like my husband said he would? What if my son is being forbidden to talk to me delibretly? What if my sons truly miserable and has no way of telling me? I just want my son back home. My only exit plan right now is to talk to local chapters and legal teams soon. I’d pack a bag but my husband would notice our clothes missing straight away as we don’t have any closets just clothes rails.
    I’m also a bit worried that my husbands family may alert him as I tried calling a family member of his some time ago. Saying i was worried my husbands behaviour was becoming more unreasonable.i didn’t know who else to call, as years ago I was told by his family that if my husband ever became difficult to let them know and they would help me. My husbands father was extremely physically violent, to all his family. although my husband loved and defends him to this day.Its a bit morose and his fathers been deceased for a long time.

  • #52342
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    Your husband has been feeding you a load of unmitigated rubbish. It took me a very very long time to work out the level of abuse my husband was railing at me. The divorce is in progress. My husband had to instigate it to have the power and control. What he wrote was a mirror of how he has behaved towards me. That he is a liar living in an alternative universe is beyond doubt. The harsh reality of his behaviour is unveiling which is very difficult. Is your son still young?
    Could you re-arrange your clothes and say you’ve had a clear-out, or move a small amount at a time?

    Could you speak to the police about your concerns especially regarding your son? Your safety and that of your son are paramount.

    It is a major thing to recognise abuse for what it is. Well done!

  • #52343
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Well said maddog. My husband spoke three languages. English, gibberish and rubbish. And yes, everything he did to me, he accused me of doing to him. Looking back it was as good as a confession. Cheating, stealing money from behind my back and lying. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

  • #52344
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    Thank you. My sons phone is completely turned off, as I can’t trace it to his whereabouts. My husband said they left to come back but I have no way of knowing.

  • #52345
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    He is trying to stress you out. He knows this will stress you as it would any mother. He’s doing it deliberately. Try to take your mind off it and don’t let him see you’re upset when he gets back or he will just do it again. Go for a bath n try to relax x

  • #52346
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    Will do. Thank you.

  • #52492
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    I’m all over the place emotionally. It comes to light when my husband took our son to his family’s it wasn’t my husband limiting our sons phone, it was my husbands relative. This person literally verbally and emotionally bullied my child. I’m livid, frustrated and heartbroken that my son was placed in this situation by his father. On the up side at least my husband stood against his relative about our son. So I’m grateful. But I also despise him for placing our child in this situation because of his selfishness. My husband was even coaching his relative on how to approach/manipulate our child to try and get him to stay another night or two! Having him think it would be his idea to do so. Then my husband could have held his hands up and said it was all what our son wanted. I’m thankful my husbands relative wouldn’t listen and made matters difficult. Because my son wanted to leave straight after and come home.

  • #52493
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    Yesterday was nice between my husband and myself, for the most part. It left me thinking why couldn’t it be thus nice all the time? Where did it all go wrong and why? Is it all me being negative? My husband and I even started talking a bit amongst playful chatter. But then I changed. I spoke of, grievances, I probably said to much and exposed my soul more than I would have liked. In the end I felt angry, frustrated and so very sad. I’m at the end of what I can mentally handle. My brain just feels like marshmallow all the time. I feel like I’m a 5 year old trying to play grown up, then I shake it off because I don’t want to lose my son.

  • #52494
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    They are pathalogical liars. Do not believe a word he says.

  • #52642
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    I’ve been able to connect with other people, legal, and organisations for help. However, I feel deflated and almost hopeless. Although I can go to Council for possible housing, they were direct in saying that without proof of abuse they are not likely to help.
    On the legal side I’ve been recommended for pursuing emergency orders however, while living in the same house it places me in greater harm. And they are not likely to grant his removal from the house. Without getting a molestation order I’m unlikely to qualify for legal aid to file for a divorce petition and again I can’t begun to think of filing until I’ve moved out.
    I feel like my only plan of action is to continue sitting in this nightmare until I can find a new job with a relocation. Then I can pursue legal.

  • #52644
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    There hasn’t been any access to funds in our joint bank account since before the holidays. I’ve been forced to spend what little U have from my savings for anything my son or I require. This coming after I’ve paid for all of the holidays as well, despite my not currently earning.
    My husband came home late from work a couple nights ago complete with several bags of his groceries.
    I thought ok great he’s gotten paid. So sick bought my groceries very next day, as Im never sure when I’ll be able to get my groceries. I’ve paid for a car wash, bought a coupled incidentals, a took my son bowling and took a small amount of cash for my sons tuck shop money for the week.
    I went to get petrol recently and there’s no funds in the joint account! Where’s it all gone? No wonder my husbands been super happy lately he knows I have no access to his finances. Yet if I say anything I know he’ll be irate with me for some reason. I just want to cry and I’m so frustrated. I already fin eat much, typically a fruit smoothie, lots of tea and 1 small meal.

  • #52646
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    My husbands just booked a short break in (detail removed by Moderator) for himself and our son. I was never invited nor even thought about/considered. My son bless him was trying to get me to go and I’ve told him I wasn’t invited. My husbands then makes me sound horrible that I wouldn’t want to go etc.

    My husband then talks about taking me to (detail removed by Moderator) elsewhere sometime this year. Just him and I. For the length of our marriage I’ve literally begged him for time away as a couple and he’s never been interested. Now all of a sudden he wants to? I don’t buy it. When he’s made a big production about our trip and he’s doing what u e wanted to do. I told him that wasn’t true. I said I never wanted to go to (detail removed by Moderator). He lit up like a lighthouse with joy then said great, I know exactely what we can do. (detail removed by Moderator), that will be great! He knows darn well I’d hate it. Now if Ingi I’m ungrateful if I say I don’t want to go, he’ll be like I offered to take you and you turned it down!
    Deep down I think some financial or work excuse will come up. He’s not only booked the trip with our son but shortly after he’s away in another holiday with family relatives!
    All while I can’t get petrol or groceries on my own with any security or regularity.

  • #52651
    Profile photo of Freedomfighter Freedomfighter 
    Participant

    Gooleeyes, they are all the same. Mine does the same, tells me we’re broke/in dept then goes abroad telling me his dad paid when (detail removed by Moderator) months earlier he transferred a large sum of money into his fathers account because he was in debt. He bought himself a sports car and another holiday and more. He says he’s paid on a credit card. They are liars! Have you contacted Women’s aid yet? Sorry it’s a long post. Citizens advice bureau is another I’ve had a lot of good advice from. I’ve been told that a letter from my GP that he’s treating me for anxiety and depression which could be a result of domestic abuse and a letter from women’s aid that I’ve had a risk assessment with them is sufficient to get a quick divorce without actually providing any other evidence like witnesses and recordings of verbal abuse. Abusive texts are more evidence. I wish you luck. I know you said the mediator believed your husbands lies, but I don’t suppose they are trained in abuse cases. Sometimes women’s aid can help you with referrals to other specialist groups who might be able to help. If you phone the helpline they are very helpful with numbers of organisations in your local area too. Best wishes

  • #52657
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    (detail removed by Moderator) I asked my husband could he please get whatever clothes he needs for work next day before nearly midnight. That way he won’t wake me up again, (His clothesrail is in my bedroom in which I have no door for any privacy.) Hes been waking me up nearly every night for days, once I’m awake I don’t get back to sleep. He knows this.
    His immediate response was to get super testy and saying how horrible I am and unreasonable. That no matter how hard HES trying it’s never good enough.
    Are you kidding me? I’m gutted I forgot to record it, I’m just not used to doing that on the spur of s moment. Feeling stupid.

    Thank you FF for your thoughts and encouragement. I really appreciate it. x

  • #52678
    Profile photo of Freedomfighter Freedomfighter 
    Participant

    Hi Googleeyes,
    Mine used to do that exact same thing. I started sleeping on the sofa so his alarm wouldn’t wake me (after being awake half the night with him snoring). He would come down to wake me and coerce me into going to bed with him all the time. The sleep deprivation got so bad I threatened to punch him one night if he didn’t leave me alone. He didn’t, he just changed tactics again. Now he sleeps on the other sofa, saying he misses me and can’t sleep if I’m not in the room etc. But if he’s tired and been having trouble sleeping he goes up to bed to get a good night sleep. They are incredibly selfish men who put their own needs first every time and then make us feel guilty and blame us for their bad behaviour. It’s extremely exhausting being around them, they suck the life out of us and it gets worse as the years go by.
    You need support and advice and a plan to leave should you need to. Good luck 😊

  • #52709
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    *FF thanks for your words, it’s reluef to know I’m not going bananas and someone understands sleep deprivation. Your right, everything’s exhausting. I can’t even seem to do the simplest of tasks without feeling as if it’s utterly wiped me out mentally.Its nice you can relate but gosh I feel aweful that you’ve gone through similar. Xx

  • #52710
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    Today’s been busy and I feel a bit past my mental capacity but maybe also a little encouraged at last. (Fingers crossed)
    I went to local CAB and they were more helpful than I expected! They also referred me to housing help and I’ve registered homeless today, which is a bit guttwrenching. I’ve always heard it’s utterly horrible and I’m wondering if I did the right thing?
    A grant was mentioned to me that I qualify for which was completely unexpected- I’m so grateful for whatever help it can provide.
    Also went to GP and received a letter that according to his records “stuffs” been going on for years.
    And I’m getting a copy of an incident report to add to my documentation.
    Ive started trying to apply for legal aid with a solicitor.
    I’m being told I’m doing all the right things, but I don’t feel it. I’m so unsure.

  • #52711
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    You are doing the right thing. Ignore the insecurity feelings and push on. My ex used to keep me up all night with petty arguments or wake me really early in the morning knowing I has a young child and work to go to. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture under the Geneva convention. It weakens our resolve. Keeps us east to manage. I was regularly woken for sex really early when I was too exhausted to put up a fight. You need to escape. Sounds like the support you’re getting is great. Which is great to see x

  • #52732
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    Hi Kip,

    What I’d like to know is why is my brain still refusing to compute and accept my life as abuse? I have this constant dread & what if I’m wrong. Despite everyone I’ve talked to saying it very much is abuse.
    I’m usually kept awake until my husband decides to go to bed at around usually midnight. He starts out watching tv so loud that it’s if it’s right next to me and that’s with a lounge door and hallway between us. I’ve asked him so many times to lower the volume, telling him if not for me then for our son who’s literally on the other side of the wall & can hear everything he’s watchung. Sometimes he lowers it, sometimes reluctantly it with malice. My husband always saying he can’t hear it. When I suggest a hearing aid he says he doesn’t need one.
    9 times out of 10 I’m utterly ignored all night.
    If I ask my son to go to bed because I worry about him getting a good night sleep both my husband and now my son completely ignore me, what I’ve asked and they do whatever they like. The last couple of nights my son doesn’t even want me tucking him in,which I find really hurtful and sad about.
    What if my son hates me because I’m trying to take steps for a better life for us both? Maybe it’s just his age stage of life. I don’t even know anymore
    As far as sex, the last time my husband came near me for that was months ago. It was like a duty thing for my bday, not the greatest. Before that less than a handful of times spanning years. I was told by my husband I cause him such pain, mental anguish that he doesn’t want to pretend he likes me and he doesn’t need sex anymore evidentially. Although I’m sure he’s been a roving eye over the years.
    Then he’ll do a complete turnaround and start “teasing” me with both of us knowing full well nothing will happen. I try to laugh it off and say I’m not interested given all our issues. So why does he bother? He’ll walk off and a day or few later he tells me he still thinks I’m attractive and gets agitated. I’m like no you don’t, you always say you never want anything to do with me.
    Then the cycle repeats.
    Wow, sorry so long a post. x

  • #52733
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    Recently he came home, I was in my bedroom as so always am to stay away from him. He started to talk a bout his day half dressed, then he lifts his foot into my bed- which he never does, & I can see his equipment hanging out on show. I immediately him to cover up properly he said he was, our son was next me to me with a full eyeful view as well and only after he said something did my husband check them makeca big deal of laughing it off as no big deal. I was appalled about the whole situation. My husband thinks it’s no big deal.

  • #52735
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    This super nice phase has me on edge, I’m dreading what my husbands up to or how long this nice side will last. The longer the “nice” lasts the more I question myself of what if I’ve gotten this all wrong?

  • #52765
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    Ugh, my life! I seriously loathe weekends or anytime when he’s around.

  • #53159
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    I’ve been speaking to various organisations and after speaking with one I realised my husband hasn’t been paying his wages into our joint account for months, so I can’t access any money. He keeps telling me there’s no money.Yet, he’s just booked several holidays.
    He’s been super sarcastic and saying I never get out of bed when that’s false as I’m awake by early morning everyday, ready to go out for the days errands and commitments.
    Ive gone from disbelief, confusion, foggy haze and possible denial, to now I feel absolute anger in regards to my situation.

  • #53162
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    I just don’t want to see him, hear him or look at anything to do with him. I simply want him out of our lives having the peace of my own space with time to mentally and emotionally heal. I wish to feel happy again, I wish to smile and enjoy things. Most of all I wish to find joy within myself rediscovering what pastimes, possible hobbies that I may truly enjoy. A refresh of me.

  • #55096
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    It’s been some time since I was here. I’ve been going in circles trying to get help, all while living in my abusive environment. I’ve ralked to organisations, councils, & legal firms. Just to have every single one come back to me saying we can’t help you.
    I’m distraught, let down & feel like I’ve been lied to. Nobody’s helping me. I’m still out if work although I’m despretly looking. There’s just no reprieve mentally & I can not cope. No matter how hard I try I’m still in hell.

  • #55099
    Profile photo of Good samaritan Good samaritan 
    Participant

    I can feel your pain. I too feel exactly the same been hit by brick walls every time I try to get help for myself. The lack of help from the authorities is shocking to say the least. With the rising stress factors of the economic climate putting extra pressure on people as well at the worst times of their life you would think something more could be done to support victims of abuse. I’m not sure which is more frightening to me my ex or the lack of help and uncompassionate authoritive figures.

  • #66744
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    Hello,

    It’s been a very long time, partly because I completely forgot my details of website got here. I’ve just looked at my past postings and have seen everyone’s recent postings and my heart breaks at the circumstances of strong women like us. We own a badge of courage that is heart-wrenching. Please know everyone here IS strong and completely worthwhile, don’t ever doubt it.

    A lot has happened for me, mostly I was able to leave with my child! We are safe, rebuilding our lives and I’m pursuing a divorce along with several injunctions.
    We’ve been able to receive support, have time to heal, grow stronger in our bond together and in each of ourselves.

    Life is a tight financial struggle in our new world and we’ve had to adjust but it’s been completely worth it. We’ve become more self confident and empowered, happy. I’m a completely different person now, no more marshmallow brain and I finally feel like I’m no longer on the outside trying to look desperately in on life through dirty, foggy glass.

    To all of those here, take whatever help you can, even if you think it’s useless. I hope your time will come to your freedom and happiness. You CAN DO this! Sending out the biggest of hugs Xx

    Most of all I greatly thank all the Mods and people here who helped this very frustrated woman, when I was emotional and at my lowest. Your grace is so very appreciated. You are Angels of crisis. Just, thank you. X

    • #66748
      Profile photo of Lisa Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi there,

      Its lovely to hear from you, I’m glad to hear that you are rebuilding. You have been through so much and you are strong and worthwhile.

      The forum will always be here for you. Thank you for letting us know how you are getting on.

      Best Wishes

      Lisa

  • #66746
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi @Googleyes i am so very happy to see your post today. I came across your thread and i was praying you would both be safe. You are an incredibly brave and strong woman to have came through so much.
    Do you believe in the laws of attraction. What you put out into the universe comes back to you in abundance. Some think its a load of rubbish, but i find it helps. I’ve just not had the strength to apply it to my situation but I’m going to be more conscious of doing so. Keep safe, eat well and love this time with your son. Show him boundaries and how a man should treat a woman.💞 I dont know what age he is, but his trauma may not manifest until he’s in high school or even a young man. Lots and lots of big hugs to you both. You truly have made me a happier lady today
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #66747
    Profile photo of Tiffany Tiffany 
    Participant

    So glad to hear you got away.

  • #66823
    Profile photo of lover of no contact lover of no contact 
    Participant

    Hiya,

    I’m so pleased you are out of the abusive relationship. It is a real miracle and gives hope and shows it can be done.

    So glad you and your son are enjoying a life free from abuse. Each day is a day where you would be sinking lower if you had stayed. Instead each day you are getting stronger and getting yourself back.

    Well done and keep posting as it really is hard to leave and YOU HAVE DONE IT!!

  • #67141
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    Thank you everyone. I can’t believe how I look and feel now that I’ve gotten away. I feel lighter. I’m not carefree as I’m still guarded and probably always will be now.But I feel like I can actually breathe again. I’m not drowning in emotion. Now I just want everyone to get out and experience the true freedom of life that’s meant to be for all of us.

    IWMB, in answer to your question yes I’m a firm believer of karma. Your timing to leave will be right for you but please don’t continue to take to long, it’s not worth your life lovely. Get physical, local support, make an action plan and exit carefully. All the very best x

  • #68231
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    Life is full of ups and downs. Yes my child and I have left and are safe. We lived in a WA refuge for several months, with no contact-bliss! Now months later as were starting our life over, I’m getting legal aid for divorce now he’s getting in contact again through my email. Most of its very on the surface nice but also loaded with sarcasm, jus anger and malice as he’s angry. He’s gone from not caring that we left to all of a sudden harassing me with emails. It’s exgausting reading his rants and accusations as he tries to paint me as some evil low life who has done him wrong. By that’s him, it’s alwats about him. My legal council has of course seen his communication, so they are under no illusion. Thank goodness. Just want him to leave me alone.

  • #68232
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Please don’t engage with him at all. Just forward any emails straight to your lawyer. Any contact is toxic and drags us down x well done for getting this far…. x

  • #68394
    Profile photo of Goggleeyes Goggleeyes 
    Participant

    Thanks Kip, yes I have done exactely that and my counsel said to not communicate too. I answered initially so he couldn’t say in court I was being malicious or unreasonable. Now on advice from my legal council I’ve stopped communicating and so has he. Xx

  • #68397
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Well done. I know the temptation to try and reason with him, to try and make him understand the hurt and damage he has done. To try and get closure. The simple truth is he just couldn’t care less. And you will never get closure from him. Follow the legal advice to the letter and his true colours will be shown x stick in with zero contact and report every breach from him. All the way along I pushed the boundary right back. All contact was reported. Eventually he had nowhere else to go. No cracks he could slip through. Every door closed. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

  • #68398
    Profile photo of Apricotpoppy Apricotpoppy 
    Participant

    Hi Goggleeyes, that is wonderful to hear you are out and making a new life for you and your son. Take care x

  • #68451
    Profile photo of Freshwaterlilly Freshwaterlilly 
    Participant

    Hi everyone
    I only joined on Friday I’ve been reading all your posts of what is
    bullying manipulation and control to me it’s worse than physical violence
    you can’t see it or prove it
    only time sees the mask slip and eventually others see what you have been
    struggling with making excuses for blaming yourself for
    Maybe it is me? Self doubt walking on eggshells it’s all there and one day
    the penny finally drops
    Like mine has (Detail removed by Moderator)years marriage (Detail removed by Moderator) living together (Detail removed by Moderator)years of missed life opportunities gone all because I believed one day this n********t would see
    the light it’s not going to happen it’s never going to happen
    Even though your desperately hold onto the hope that one day….
    We broke up in (Detail removed by Moderator) and he’s doing everything he can to screw my life over
    he’s still trying to control my life
    I know there is far worse to come from him
    financially I’ve got nothing and do not know where I will be living
    But in all that whatever life throws me I know I’ve wasted enough time on
    this creature if anyone can tell me anything I need to know or be prepared for?
    I need your support and anyone else who has been in this position please give me a light at the end of this dark tunnel
    I just followed on from this thread as I didn’t know what else to do

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