The Ross-Rachel relationship in Friends was emotionally abusive

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

I’ve recently been watching re-runs of 90s sitcom Friends and it is so interesting because I am identifying so many red flags in particular from Ross that I did not see AT ALL the first time round. The Ross-Rachel relationship was always portrayed as so sweet and romantic and ‘something to aim for’ at the time but this time around I just think it is clearly an emotionally abusive relationship. No wonder none of us knew we were experiencing abuse when films and tv portray toxic relationships as romantic! Examples include:

– Ross seems incapable of accepting responsibility for anything – everything is always someone else’s fault
– He has this ‘poor me’ victim persona but is actually very manipulative, ie he sabotages Rachel’s conversation with a guy she is dating and says she belongs with him instead
– He sulks when she laughs during their kiss because she’s giddy and then he refuses to kiss her again, sulking so she has to apologise (my ex was constantly doing the sulking/victim thing and I was constantly having to apologise for goodness knows what).
– Much later on Ross lies to Rachel about getting their marriage annulled
– He is jealous and controlling and accuses her of cheating when she isn’t (and he then does actually cheat then blames Rachel rather than apologise and acknowledge that what he did was wrong)
– He also gets her to quit her dream job for him and generally meddles in her career as if he is more important

Rachel also shows manipulative behaviour such as ruining all of his relationships ie with Julie but then keeps blowing hot and cold and being undecided about him when he’s single but doesn’t have red flags from what I can see, she just seems kind of emotionally immature and looking for a man to save her due to her upbringing.

Overall it seems like a super toxic miserable unhealthy relationship.

I have found it sooo helpful to identify red flags in films, tv and books because before I didn’t see them at all. It is very sobering for me to look at my dating past and see a string of abusive relationships where I was treated very badly but thought it was ‘normal/romantic’ and that I was somehow to blame for everything. I am hopeful that if I date again I will be able to see any red flags so much more clearly now.

Let me know if you also saw the red flags in Ross or in other film/tv/literary characters. Maybe it would be helpful to have a list of them and analyse why they are toxic. It has certainly helped me.

[Iwantmeback]

I didn’t see the red flags then but as you rightly point out, now we know what to look for they are everywhere.
Im constantly screaming at the tv when the characters are being manipulative, controlling or otherwise. The Cry, on tv recently was one that stood out so strongly. It’s insidious how its so normalised. Until society and the media and entertainment programmes start to behave better to their citizens throughout the world, abuse will remain unjudged and normal. Thank God for forums like this. Thank God many many people are shining a light on abuse. Thank God many many people are no longer staying silent.
IWMB 💕💕

[teatime]

Oh yes, but it’s weird how very abusive relationships are romanticised on TV. I was watching Luther ( don’t watch it’s vile) and although the acting was good, when his wife tells him she has found someone else, he smashes an entire door with his fists.
This is abusive behaviour. He goes on to assault her partner etc… oh but it’s so romantic. She goes back to him. I love Idris Elba but I cannot watch such rubbish now.
The entire series was really about emotional vampirism, in fact there is REAL vampirism in it.Every other programme has women being abducted and tortured, it really p’s me off! I am left with watching Poirot and Foyle’s War now where at least the bad do not prosper.
One film that everyone loved and totally disturbed me was Watchmen- there is a rape and then she falls in love with the rapist. So disgusting.
I wonder sometimes if the writers KNOW what they are writing is morally wrong! You are so right about Friends, Ross was a plague to Rachel and very lacking in fibre.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi teatime ,i get the vampire analogy . I have a thin b for vampires, ive read stories about them for years, romanticized them i suppose. It struck me recently that i have got what i wanted, my very own life sucking soul destroying vampire of my very own. Be careful what you wish for eh!!

[teatime]

It’s very odd how vampires are romanticised. TBH I am scared of them, especially now!

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks for your responses everyone, completely agree about the vampire thing, Bella and whatshisname from Twilight were really codependent and unhealthy. And how can we forget ’50 shades of grey’ for a classic toxic relationship example! I think I remember seeing that some domestic violence campaigners protested outside the cinema when it first opened as they felt it tried to make a toxic/abusive dynamic look romantic and sexy.

I don’t have a tv anymore but I have Netflix on my computer. If anyone of you have it I really recommend a super cosy programme called Good Witch which is about a woman who lives in this beautiful old house in this cosy quirky town and things that happen there and the people she meets. It might sound a bit dull but I honestly love it, it’s by Hallmark Channel so it’s a good one to watch in autumn or around Christmas. I’ve watched all of it and think I might just watch it again as it’s so cosy. There are I think 6 films also in the franchise, it is one of Hallmark channel’s most popular franchises so they keep creating more series. A lot of reviews online talk about how it’s a much needed antidote to all of the violence and darkness that is in so many programmes these days where as you say Teatime women are constantly being raped and murdered.

I’ve watched a bit more of Friends and Ross is so gross. I never liked him the first time but couldn’t quite work out why, now it’s very obvious. He’s forever sulking, doing mean/selfish things then blaming others. His complete inability to see his own faults and wrongdoings and accept responsibility for them is kind of sickening to watch as it reminds me of my exes, ugh, yuck to all of them.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi sunshinerainflower, aye Ross wasnt one of my favourites either. As you say i couldn’t say why, now i can.
Hopefully we’ll see these people for who they are in the future.
Not sure if i can get The Good Witch, but it does sound right up my street. thanks for the tip. Xx
IWMB 💕💕

[Anonymous]

I had to stop watching vampire programmes as I found they normalised very abusive relationships (ooh, he’s hurting you but he loves you so).
Good witch has been great for me. When I want to feel safe I watch this, although I avoid the episodes or films that trigger me about abused survivors.

[SunshineRainflower]

That’s great you like Good Witch too Freedoms. I have watched the whole series and most of the films but don’t have any recollection of abuse survivors in it…I might have forgotten something though, now I am wondering who it is… I always find it very calming and non-triggering. I like the witchy magical aspect too and how Cassie makes cosy food in her beautiful house and has her nice shop. Plus the bakery and the flower shop. It’s all so great it makes me wish I lived there myself, maybe I would run a cool little apothecary herbal shop.

[SunshineRainflower]

Also agreed about the vampire thing. It seems like writers get away with portraying scarily abusive relationships on tv and in films if they just say ‘well he’s a vampire so it’s ok’ – it’s used as a get out clause.

I have in general been really concerned about how tv and films have got increasingly violent and hyper sexual too. It’s almost like those in power want the masses to be de-sensitised to violence and think it’s normal and acceptable. I’m sure growing up there wasn’t as much violence and sex on tv or if it was there it wasn’t shown in graphic detail like it is now. I often feel really alone in thinking this as nobody else seems to mind all the violence. I have even started watching more things aimed at children (like Merlin) because I find it has a good story without all the brutality and violence. I just don’t know why violence is considered ‘good’ ie. critics always seem to love very dark, disturbing, depressing and violent things yet they pan anything that is uplifting and cheerful.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi sunshinerainflower,
i was talking to someone re what you’ve said in your post. It’s like since #metoo, there’s some section of society trying to minimise abuse against women (Detail removed by Moderator)
I hate how normalised violence and violent sexual behaviour has become, but must admit to not really paying much attention to it, as I’m usually reading when these programmes are on. The sad thing is its everywhere isnt it. Not just in the movies. At least with the soaps(not much of a watcher now either, think its more there is too much in my own life im trying to deal with, they seem irrelevant watching) but at least with them there is helpline numbers now.
Movies always have ‘no animals were hurt in this production’, maybe they should start with helpline numbers in the credits or put up after they’ve finished rolling too.

I yearn for a calmer, gentler life. Even in warzones, those living in it, create places of peace. We could learn a great deal from those amazing people too.
IWMB 💕💕

[SunshineRainflower]

I totally agree with you Iwantmeback, I can’t explain how great it feels to speak to others who feel the same as me about this stuff. So many people defend all these violent tv shows and films. Game of Thrones is a good example – filled with sexual graphic violence including infanticide. And everyone just says what a great show it is. I stopped watching it after the first season as I couldn’t cope with the violence. I loved the costumes and the lands and would have loved to watch it minus all the violence and sex, to me it doesn’t add anything positive to it at all.

Also totally agree about the collective gaslighting. (Detail removed by Moderator)

A lot of people say that ‘millenials’ are hyper sensitive but it’s because they are the 1st generation that has really stood up and said that all of this stuff is not ok. I’m not in the millennial generation myself but I fully support them and am so glad they are speaking up because they are saying things that I’ve thought for years but I felt like a lone voice in a sea of people shouting ‘oh he didn’t mean it’ and ‘oh it’s only a joke’ and ‘you’re too sensitive’ etc etc.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Sunshinerainflower, we are sympatico.
Thank goodness for the younger generation,. I too see them for the strong, aware people they are. We must have taught them something good after all. And now with the internet they look for themselves, they don’t believe the newspapers or the bbc. They are articulate and politically very awake. (Detail removed by Moderator)
I’ve always admired the French for standing up to the government of the day. They don’t let them away with anything. I wish more people from the UK did the same. We have been brainwashed so long into believing the government knows what’s best for us, just like an abusive partner.
Im not a millennial either, but stand with them to say no more.
IWMB 💕💕

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