the saga continues with self abuse

[mayflower]

I don’t know if this is the right place to write this
or even if I am allowed to talk about it here
but even though it is some years since I moved out I am still abused – daily
by my own hands now, instead of his

the need to hurt, to be punished, to feel pain
goes on and on and on and on
there are few days when I don’t binge or drink or self harm in some other way

the events of the past decades running and re-running over and over
the shame, the guilt, the obsession with it being MY fault
on and on

how can we be free of it
the abuse was how we lived
it was my ‘normal’
and living without it should be amazing
but it is literally killing me

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Mayflower,

Just wanted to offer you some support, it sounds like you are going through a very dark time. It sounds like you need specialist therapy/counselling to help you with the trauma and the self harm and possibly the alcohol if you think this is a problem. I would focus on the therapy for the self harm first though as this sounds extremely serious. It’s easy for me to say but it is important to know that whatever happened was not your fault, you were the victim of abuse, and deserve only kindness and love. It needs to come from within, and the easiest way is to start with self care. Self harm is the opposite of self care and will just send you down an even darker path, but I know these things are much more complicated than someone just suggesting you stop doing it.

If you haven’t already, contact the helpline and your GP and please tell them what is going on. They will be able to help. You have suffered too much for so long, assuming the abuser is now out of your life, now you have a chance to heal and lead an abuse-free life.

I would also recommend other outlets for your pain and sadness. If you could write it out, paint it, put it into poetry, put it into a song, channel it into any sort of creative outlet you will feel so much better and you will be doing something that helps rather than harms you further. Please keep yourself safe. Imagine your inner child that you are in charge of caring, that is what helps me to look after myself. I remember myself as a child and think ‘she needs me, she needs love, care, affection and I’m not going to put her through any more pain.’ xx

[Serenity]

Hi Mayflower,

I’m sorry that you are experiencing all this pain.

It’s a good thing that you’ve managed to reach out and verbalise this. That’s a positive move.

I can totally understand what you mean. Abuse affects you to your core. I have had to struggle against self-loathing and self-abuse in different ways, too.

I think we tell ourselves that we must be worthless or bad if someone else treated us in that way, but it really is something in them that makes them behave that way. They will project blame, tell us we deserved it- anything but accept fault or admit to their inner demons. These kinds of people will go through life judging everyone and everything negatively, blaming the world for their own unhappiness and their own bad choices.

If it hadn’t been you, it would have been someone else. You can bet that your abuser is continuing to or will mistreat or abuse someone else. It sounds wrong to say that abuse isn’t personal- because it is personal, in terms of we are the target and they use our vulnerabilities and seek to damage us as I do izuams- but these abusers could just as well have treated someone else as they treated us. Look at all the ladies here whose stories resemble each other’s: the fault is in them; they all use similar tactics to control and abuse. We were their unfortunate victims.

It was Peaceful Pig on this forum who led me to see that self-compassion is the way forward. Compassion for your own current feelings, too. You’ve been through so much: it’s natural for you to experience the feelings that you are, but at the end of the day extreme compassion for yourself is so important.

You are a worthwhile and valuable human being. Your abuser was a liar and a manipulator. Everything he accused you of, he was likely guilty of himself ; everything he did was an expression of his own nasty personality and twisted take on the world.

Keep on reaching out, Mayflower. Big hugs x

[Tiffany]

I am going to say the same as the others here. I think reaching out for professional help would probably be a good idea. I know how awful self harming urges can be. I suffer from chronic pain and at one point used self harm to try and control the other pain. I am not sure if I am allowed to say this here, but a tip I was given by a friend to reduce the damage and danger of self harm was that holding ice cubes can fulfill that desire for pain without causing you physical damage. I managed to get my pain levels under control and don’t use the technique any more, but there was a period of time where I found it incredibly helpful. Also remember that self harm is a coping technique. Admittedly not a particularly good coping technique, but you are doing it on some level because you want to make things better, not because you are trying to make things worse. Reach out for help. You won’t be judged and things really can get better.

[mayflower]

thank you all for your kindness and words

my mh team are very aware of the s/h and so is my gp
as they say, it is very addictive

I know it is not a healthy way to live but it is such a strong ‘need’

I have had quite a few visits to hospital with o/d’s and so to stop that happening even more often, I stuff my face with food

I think the need to hurt comes from before him in some ways
and just grew and grew

permission to be kind to self/inner child etc is very very very hard

I don’t believe he is abusing others – he is alone and hurting deeply
the difference perhaps, that he has never said sorry, or acknowledged what he did
and I have no idea if he feels that inside

I cant hardly bare to live with what I did to him – the pain I caused him, the trouble I caused him which we only just managed to put brakes on

whenever I see him, or speak to him (very occasional) – it actually hurts me inside, I can see and feel his pain, his confusion,
I cannot live with it
yet my mh worker says ‘what about how he has hurt you?’

the two don’t seem to work in my head

I am on the waiting list for counselling with rp crisis
they say it is absolutely the right thing but I feel a traitor – a fraud – a betrayer

[Lisa]

Hello mayflower,

It is good to hear from you.

You have come so far and though you have your struggles with self harm you have your support network in place which is great to hear of. Lean on them as much as you need to, be kind to yourself and post to us when you can. You are in no way to blame for the abuse you experienced, only he is responsible for his actions. I hope counselling starts soon for you and remember we will always be here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[mayflower]

thank you Lisa

I wish I had the conviction of you and others, that I am not to blame

it remains an impossible mountain in my head

[Author]

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