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    • #89094
      Opie
      Participant

      Hi, I left my partner (detail removed by moderator) I got my dad to text me an excuse to come back to his house because obviously I had to prove to him I was going to see family. A few days before he went absolutely crazy at me for no reason then 4 hours later all the apologies started. I decided that night that I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t take the threats, I couldn’t take the silent treatment, I couldn’t take the apologies then the minimising and dismal.
      Once I first left I felt a big relief for  days he didn’t say a word even though he expected me back I think he sensed he had pushed me too far.
      Then constant messages followed by threats of suicide if I didn’t come home not the first time he’s done this (I contacted the police for a welfare check on him spoke to them like nothing was wrong).
      Now I’m feeling really bad because everyone is supporting me so much but I do miss the good him. I know I should block and delete him but every time I go to do it I just can’t. He has been telling me he’s so sorry he is getting help and that it’s not him. But I have been trying to get him doctors help since (month removed by moderator) and they can’t help him because he always refuses to tell the truth. I obviously can’t tell the doctor what he’s like. When we are alone I frequently get ‘but I didn’t touch you so I’m not that bad’ or the big excuse is that he acts this way cause of his mental health it’s so confusing. He really makes me feel like it’s mostly in my head.
      Today I’m really struggling his mum has been messaging me and so has he. I want to see him so much but I don’t even know if it’s safe. If I talk to him or go back I’m scared I’ll be completely on my own as my family and friends will think I’m stupid and won’t understand why I miss him. It’s really hard.

    • #89112
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Hi Opie, it’s v early days you will have mixed thoughts and emotions for sure, the pain of feeling it’s over can feel unbareable at times, this is when most women regretfully return, to try and avoid this pain, only it doesn’t work does it because once you’re back you’re back in the abuse cycle again, so going back only prolongs the end really and yet more pain and distress; best to ride it out and do nothing for a long time, stay put, stay still.

      It’s very natural to mourn the end of the relationship and the relationship you hoped it would be. You will miss him sometimes – accept this, acknowledge that what you dont want to do here is to react and cave when you feel this way – ‘it will pass’. Give yourself some time and surround yourself with those who love you to get through x

      • #89129
        Opie
        Participant

        Thank you so much I haven’t replied to him and I’ve made a deal with my friend to block and delete him by tomorrow night I’m still for some reason just not able to do it although I have resisted temptation to message him or family. Thanks again for the advice I’m just gunna ride it out like you said! Xx

    • #89115
      HunkyDory
      Participant

      Hi Opie, fizzylem is right, it’s much better to ride the storm. I went through exactly the same, it’s hard. You miss the nice side of them, but going back you’re just opening yourself up for more abuse.

      Try to stay strong, and block him everywhere. You do feel bad doing it, but what can be so important that he needs to speak to you? You will just get upset with the pleading and apologies that you see – that’s when you cave in and go back. Any joint responsibilities can be handled by a third party. Once you don’t see the messages from him, you can concentrate on you and your future. And it will get easier.

      One day at a time. You will start to believe it’s for the best, and you deserve the best and nothing less. 💐 xx

      • #89131
        Opie
        Participant

        Thank you for replying to me! I’m sorry you’ve had to be in this situation as well. Obviously if this is too intrusive please don’t feel the need to answer but I do have 3rd party things to sort out like bills and rent. If you did too, did it take long to sort out? How long until you started to stop missing him? I am dreading going back to get things.

      • #89171
        HunkyDory
        Participant

        Hi Opie we don’t have too much to sort out but what I do need to do goes via his father on messenger.

        About missing him – (we are a few months separated) funnily enough I just popped out to the shop and on the way back I was thinking “Friday. I miss our Fridays, shopping etc and getting ready for the weekend. I’m sad now”. Then I gave my head a wobble and said to myself “so what did you miss? Him spending a fortune you don’t have in the supermarket? You buying the cheapest stuff you could find? Getting back home and him disappearing upstairs with enough beer to kill a small elephant and not seeing him again til morning? Rinse and repeat til Monday?” Needless to say it worked and I don’t miss him now. And I do that every time my heart says I miss him, my head takes over and says give over woman, remember the REAL life with him. 😂 xx

    • #89165
      Fudgecake
      Participant

      Hi Opie,
      You took a brave step and you will see the rewards in time. It will be a bumpy ride with ups and downs but keep focused and everything will calm and you will be able to create a calmer, happier reality for yourself x

    • #89288
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Not wanting to block him is also feeling not ready to say goodbye; however, what you will find is that the pre angst and pain around doing this and stuff like this is much worse than the act itself, when you block him you are saying goodbye, I’m done, no more hey, so afterwards it actually feels self empowering and thus you take strength from it.

      Take each step at a time, if you feel you need to fetch your stuff make this task manageable for yourself, set it up this way, think about what do I need in place to help me to do this. Maybe it’s about taking someone with you; or asking the third party to make sure he is out for however how long you need. Again, feels big now, but after you have done it you can tick this off your list and feel you’ve taken another step forwards.

      Lovin’ Hunky Dorys reply; think this is so v important, ‘to rationalise’, it’s abs ok and expected to feel how you do, however you feel in any moment, but to help yourself you also need to balance these emotions with truth and logic so you take away a balanced view – and this will restore calm x

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