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So another incident…we were actually having quite a nice evening when he just comes out with some really hurtful things about me – said in a jokey way and trying to make light of it. When I was clearly offended he be made defensive and rude, saying that the truth must hurt and I’m not as perfect as I make out to be. Even though I can see exactly what he’s doing I don’t know how to stop it. And worst of all I start taking it out on other people and wanting them to change their behaviours because of what he’s said! But if I stand up for myself or give him some home truths back I’m a horrible stuck up nasty c***. Mind games!!!
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Tinkbella, nothing he says is real. It is all just rubbish designed to put you down. It is absolutely part of the abuser’s MO to ruin a ‘nice’ evening with hurtful and attacking words or actions, thinly disguised humour or subtle digs. It hurts because it is hurtful. It causes you to become offended because it is offensive. Then, when you react, he has won because he has manipulated you nicely where he wants you and can sit back and blame you for reacting when you have every reason to be upset. Remember, it is not about what he has said or done, it is about him being abusive and manipulative. The only thing you can do is tell yourself it is all rubbish, none of it is true, none of it matters and he will never change. Mind games, gas lighting, verbal abuse, name calling, blaming, lying and causing offence, all part of the abuser’s arsenal of word weaponry to shift power back to them when they feel you are getting to comfortable or things are going too well.
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Everything you say makes so much sense, thank you. They really do know exactly what they’re doing…Are nice enough just long enough for you to question your decision to leave & think maybe you are being too harsh or exaggerating. Then bam out come the insults to crunch what little self esteem you have left. I can’t tell you how much these forums are helping, thank you so much.
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Hi TinkaBella
Wiseafter is so right! Most women on this forum could fill pages listing all the events that were spoiled by their sh*tty behaviour. It IS done on purpose. Mine used to bring up ancient stuff, as if it had been playing on his mind. When really he was just dredging up anything to cause a row. We used to argue every day. Before him I couldn’t tell you the last time I’d had a row.
What I learned afterwards is that they’re not actually arguments at all. They’re never about discussing something and coming to an agreement. They’re all about putting you on the defensive. If it’s at all possible you should try not to defend yourself, comment on how he makes you feel, argue back or expect him to back down. But I do know how hard that is.
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