Viewing 3 reply threads
  • Author
    • #14574

      I get told I have a lover, I get told I haven’t changed etc etc etc

      Yet the day after he is doing some DIY and improving things that should have been dealt with years ago. I have often thought all this is done as a bait, look what I can do for you, his salary is also mentioned, though now I have no access to any money, I get told to take a good look and see if this is what I truly want, ie to loose the lot.

      So he is working hard on some DIY, but I know he will want a good wife in exchange. Some of my friends would tell me to be thankful because they get nothing done, or their husbands are not good at any DIY or simply won’t deal with it, but it has always been like this in our life, he wakes up one day and blitzes the place, but if I mention anything he gets vexed straight away and starts sending me loads of texts, he threatens me that he is stopping all his efforts because of me, that he won’t do anything anymore, it’s like having a little petulant child in front of me, and he will sulk for hours, days, weeks. If I question anything or comment on anything, it all goes sour.

      I have never understood how people can use this form of ”punishment” against their partner. I have not even dared ask about the money, yet I hear him make comments that there is no food bought and the meals at night are not ready. He calls me a liar for telling him I have no money (I don’t have much) in my account yet I talk about getting a professional to finish off the jobs if they don’t get done after waiting for years. Everything I need to have done needs to be done by him because he says it costs too much and he can do it for nothing. I have been told it’s not easy to find a window cleaner (we have a large house, lots of windows!), nor a gardener (a large garden indeed too!). If I mention subjects like those while we are in shops, he storms off if he doesn’t like my comments, leaving me behind, unaware of how it makes me feel in front of the people watching him…It’s embarrassing. I am so used to it all I don’t even pay much notice any more. Then I get the texts…He once unloaded from his car some items I needed brought to me, he left them near the wheels of my car and waited for me to be in his view and he sped off in a total angry rush, leaving dust rise behind his wheels as he drove like a mad man. People looked at him…

      I have had bank statements going missing. He used to keep all the mail and kept my statements in his office but this time the documents have been kept for a reason. I know it. In the past, I used to get told he forgot about giving me my mail. I had to go and see him and request it. I used to think he was just simply disorganised and forgetful. Recently I have noticed that he also kept my adult children’s bank mail. I used to think he was a hoarder who could not remember to bring back the mail he took off the postman.

      He once asked what such and such phone number was on a phone bill, and when I answered I didn’t know, he said he would find out as the numbers were not the usual ones. He got the bank to find out what one of my cheques was for, who the payee was after harassing me by text to find out what the value of the cheque was for. I never answered. Texting and emailing are his only method of communication.

      So for now, I am offered the bait again. It is obvious all his recent threats about solicitors etc are not true (declared on texts of course). He wakes up one day a brand new man, and later, maybe days, maybe weeks, maybe months, he will get annoyed or behave in a strange way again. He did a few days ago…

      Sometimes I do wonder where he fetches the idea I have a lover, and mainly how it can go from something I apparently mentioned, to something I divulged, to something I texted…It is all so bizarre…I have also been asked repetitively to answer a question about my faithfulness during our marriage…

    • #14592
      Falling Skys

      OMG what an awful position for you.

      Mine did all the cooking, friends would say how lucky I was. In reality I had no choice on what I ate or when. I wasn’t even allowed to make a drink, I drink out of the tap or bottle so he didn’t know.

      He would also do DIY but I was on his terms and what he wanted.

      Once he didn’t speak to me for days because he dreamt I was having an affair.

      After years of him not that keen on having another man.

      Stay strong

      FS xx

    • #14597

      I had one very similar to that. It got to the stage where anything was nice done or I asked for anything thing there would be a repercussions.
      Then there was the he would do something if it was to keep up with the neighbours or he wanted to show off to someone.
      For a long while I thought I was the one getting it all wrong, then I thought that I could cope and live with it all, make it work.
      I became stupidly grateful for anything he would do at the start. Then I just got scared of what was to following the next days/weeks/months depending how long he wanted to keep something going.
      He could do it all so I could and would look like the ungrateful b***h or the unhinged mad woman and how wonderful and sane he was.
      I also stopped asking because it was too much hassle and it became survival.
      In the end that life was destroying me and my children and I guess it was when someone pointed out what he was doing to the children (I don’t think they meant to) was when I just left with them and then started the new battle.

    • #14615

      I find it all so strange yet so familiar, I am used to all of it, the strange, the weird, the bizarre, the vexation levels, the temper, the out of the blue, the mood, the self pity, I just live with it.

      I was due to see my new dv lady on (detail removed by Moderator) but was very ill so the meeting is today instead. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what she will ask. I don’t know what to decide. I keep thinking there is worse than my own situation and the refuge taught me that, a wrong sense of perspective, and minimisation, and appreciating my high sense of resilience, keeping my head high, but I remember the past few months and they were the hardest where I discovered true potential violence sleeping just under his skin, real signs of an abusive style, from the words spoken to the gestures taken…

      I thought if I changed my way of responding to it all, I could avoid things. I am at the moment. But what is to come later on? Situations are bound to happen when we have to talk, explain, compromise, enjoy, decide as all normal couples should and would…

      My head is in turmoil, I have started having the same symptoms as before I left, sore throat, a knot in my throat, some form of swallowing problem, anxiety I suppose.

      I don’t know what to say to the dv lady this afternoon. I look and act extremely confident, I work, I do lots of things, I am free of movement, but inside I know it is not right, I have no courage to decide. I am waiting for him to show his true self. He pretends he has changed, I had a myriad of texts during my stay at the refuge. I don’t even care any more.

      Anyway, let’s look on the bright side. The sun is shining and it is another beautiful spring day and my work is waiting for me, I love what I do…I really do!

      Take care all of you xx

Viewing 3 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2024 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials


Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content