The weekend

[nbumblebee]

I wanted to share my weekend and talk some things through.
(Detail removed by Moderator).
I had really started to believe i would leave one day hes been so nasty and angry but now it seems he has turned over a new leaf seen what he has been doing and wants to change.

What a load of c**p!!!!!
See the difference now is that I see him.
I see exactly what he is doing he pushed me too far and he knows it so now he is reining me back in by giving me the man I want and need so much.
I am so lonley I really am it almost works but I have this little voice all of your voices maybe even my own just warning me telling me to ok enjoy the calm take the love and the help he is giving but dont stop believeing that he can and most likely will change back.
How many times have I been here?
Doubting stressing worrying.
I know whats coming next. I need to keep strong stick to trying to better myself work hard earn money save so if I do ever leave I am able too without a penny from him.
Dont get me wrong theres still a part of me hanging on to hope that he is changing this time of course there is or why else would i still be heere I dont know how yet to get rid of that voice my mind feels like it could explode at any time I am so confused i want to bieve him so much I want to love him and want him again but I just cant I cant stand to have him near me and thats a terrible terrible thing to say I feel like I am the bad guy but each day is a step foward baby tiny steps but foward and yes next week when hes horrible again I will be on here telling you how i cant cope how im done and cant go on its so much easier to be strong when they are in a nice part of the cycle but I am determined today to remain strong and stay on my path whereever it may lead. Xxxxx

[Hazydayz]

Hello nbumblebee, How are you today? I want to show you support and empathy. I want to tell you WOW! You wrote what you wrote here…so well! I want to applaud you. I can never find the words or put them into sentences that make sense when I try to write about things here or reply to people sympathetically. I feel like I end up hurting or offending with my overuse of exclamations, which I’m using a lot I notice, as everyone here does too I’m guessing? So I will try not to do that or go off track now either. I’m feeling for you, I’m hearing what you wrote and I’m feeling it. (I wanted to put an exclamation there! at the end of I’m feeling it.) I too had a weekend of feeling the same after an attack on me late (detail removed by Moderator) that I posted about. I too know those feelings you expressed about wanting to have the pain soothed by being able to forget with soothing words and loving actions from the offender that can be do unlike the nasty person they really are when they want to be. When they’ve lulled us into that safe space we want to remain in forever, that place that wraps us up in their comforting us, that place that really is just a false sense of security. I understand how you feel, we all do here I’m sure. Font worry about being here next time telling what’s happened again if you let your guard down, to be loved and love again, we all know that feeling of wanting to be able to do that…and be loved properly. Sadly, we here have learnt what those poor victims outside of here haven’t yet maybe? Untill next time, enjoy the peace and quieter time. Wishing you happiness and good luck with your studies xx

[nbumblebee]

Thanks some days i just wanna talk it out get it out of my head nobody understands like everyone on here does im very grateful for that to you all.
When i wrote this i felt good now i feel like curling up into a ball and never letting myself out again who knows what tomorrow will bring but i guess as we all do i will get up and face it.
Sending hugs hazydayz and thank you x

[gettingtired]

You’re so much stronger than you realise, you really are. Please believe that! Look how far you’ve come since being here. 🤯 I understand everything you’re saying as I feel it too. It’s a constant mind battle of knowing what’s right but not being able to break free from those emotional ties that bind us. Just keep making decisions and choices for you and prioritise your needs whenever possible. We all know they will find something to kick off about whatever happens. Like you’ve told me before, enjoy the good days if you can but try to stay in reality and remember it’s just an abuser having a good day. We know the cycle too well and it’s anxiety inducing in itself knowing what comes next and how we’ll feel back to square one again once the cycle goes back around. Just remember it’s a cycle that will never end but we can choose to end it once we are ready. No timeline, no pressure but in our own time. X*x

[nbumblebee]

Makes me so so sad though the thought that good days arent good that they are forced that its part of a cycle, breaks my heart to think the one who says they love you who should always love you does this thats why i hang on to hope that he has or will change because its all just too sad otherwise. Xxxx

[Chocolatebunnie]

nbumblebee you hanging on and hoping things change, will be ok because you are a loving wonderful person. Your posts are changing overtime, your mindset has changed you are alot stronger than you were when I first ready your posts, you are doing amazingly well.

Yes, I do believe youre right he senses your change in yourself, I cant add to this or tell you what to do, except dont look back look forward, look after yourself, keep getting stronger.

Tactics do change, my husband used to rage badly it would be a huge uspet, obvious abuse, but now its little regular less obvious things because he knows if he does what he has in the past that would be it. Hes getting away with what he can to keep himself in control and keep me where he wants me and the kids too I believe.

I wonder is your husband the same and may be using subtle ways to keep you there, when you think things are fine, actually they are not, we get so used to being treated really bad, we dont notice the little but still bad things they do we get used to accetpting it.

Please keep your eyes wide open, I believe abusers can change, but most dont want to they have a lovely little life keeping us right there doing what they want us to do and making their lives easier whilst we struggle and are miserable. Sounds so negative, sorry.

Sending you big hugs and love x*x

[nbumblebee]

He is just being so nice not like him at all we have had nice spells many many times b4 this one he seems extra nice its blowing my mind and i feel really uncomfortable about it.

[Anonymous]

If he really wants to change and be the better man you deserve it will be a permanent change, the proof will be whether your posting how verbal and critical he’s become next week (or another time).As chocolatebunnie and I have noticed, your posts (and obviously you) have been changing and to me that’s only a good thing, its human nature that you want to believe the person you’ve spent your life with will be the person you want him to be (as he was) but see everything in its entirety and honestly, and stay true to yourself.Women don’t usually feel disgusted having their partners by them unless there’s A something off about that person or b they’re done irreparable damage in some way that just can’t be fixed because it’s gone too far or gone on for too long (it’s just something to think on)
💕🐝💕

[nbumblebee]

Thanks @Auriel, he really is trying so hard hes being so so lovely im not feeling great and he is actually bending over backwards to help and its nice it feels so nice to be loved im ashamed to say I am really enjoying the tenderness not in the physical sense but hes just being nice. However i cant help thinking is this cause he has me where he wants me (detail removed by moderator) he loves that he loves to be the marter to be the one working earning etc so is that why he seems so happy?
God i feel like such a b***h saying that out loud but past history tells me this wont last no matter how much I want it.
Auriel I am so so scared to admit you may be right its been too bad for too long to be able to forgive. What now?

[Anonymous]

You’ve not left your job have you nbumblbee? When you put he loves that he’s the one working (and the fact that he’s all of a sudden happy) I so hope that’s not the case cos I know how much you loved that.I guess what now is whatever you decide? This is your life to choose and choices for you to make hun and maybe changes (if you wish)you could either stay with someone who has made you feel beaten down confused and downtrodden or make a new start (and I know new is scary and not easy even when that habit relationship hasn’t been that nice) but you do have choices, your life decisions are yours to make 💗🤗💗

[nbumblebee]

Not yet but was close have.taken a few days off sick and he just loves it.
Sometimes i think it would be so much easier if i did but I just love it so much it makes me feel useful wanted needed and today giving in my (detail removed by moderator) that i have to (detail removed by moderator) as he hates me studying at home made me feel so good inside. @auriel I came so close to giving up i really did but no I gotta stand firm I know that. Thank you xxxx

[Anonymous]

Well done stay firm
Get well soon 💐🍫

[Author]

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