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But what did I do wrong, do I think wrong, do I act wrong, why do I feel I am going crazy, why did I end up feeling the way I do, what happened, why did it happen, how could it happen to me, is it age, is it boredom, is it normal, could it have been prevented, did I cause it, could I ignore it, is it what’s bound to happen to most couple, as the song says “is there so much hate for the ones we love, tell me we both matter don’t we?” Wby so much loneliness, emptiness, lack of sense, isolation, pain, hurt, why did he physically hurt me, how can trust lead to mistrust, love to hatred, why so little empathy, why was I blind, can it be repaired, can it be explained, mended, solved, regained, absolved, why, why, why…?
I thought my evening was great but the more alone I am, the worse I feel. I even told my son how lonely I feel, he walked away. I dont want to feel tonight, but feeling is all I do.
I need to fall asleep soon, I hope I will, sleeping takes it all away. I need to disconnect, shut down, withdraw, I dont know why I live.
Tomorrow will be another day of pain inflicted by imbeciles. The whole system fails.
If I could go back in time, I would. I wouldn’t have rang the police, I wouldn’t have known any different, I would have coped with what I knew, my usual days, no one would have known, I would have been happier, I wouldn’t be feeling like the whole thing came to collapse on me, gobble me up in a whirlpool of nonsense.
Can I just pack my bags and go far away, leave it all behind and start a new life? Leave everyone behind, take on a new identity, disappear, forget everything. -
It will get better but it doesn’t happen straight away. People who have not been in that situation don’t always understand. I’m not sure what has happened to make you phone the police but he was doing something wrong, so you have every right to be safe.
Over time, you will realise what he does is wrong and you will start to feel better. Take your time to read up about domestic abuse and it will gradually sink in.
What support have you got? I have got myself a counsellor and I am going to the Freedom Programme through my local women’s charity. I found it through the national domestic abuse helpline. It took a few calls and I found this lovely lady who explained that none of it was my fault and understood how scared I was and she made all these great suggestions. Stick with it, you will get there.
I also can’t recommend the book ‘living with the dominator’ by Pat Craven enough. It’s less than £10 from Amazon and it helped me so much to understand what he was doing and why. They use it for the freedom programme.
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