23rd July 2020 at 10:11 pm #110898
I wonder why I only fail here at home. I wonder how I am well regarded at work. If my husband could share his opinion right now he would say that I am the ultimate liar – a chameleon who is able to change to suit each situation I am in. I can’t understand anything anymore. I can’t think straight. I don’t have any anchor in my mind which helps me remember what is truth and what is not. I don’t know how to breathe anymore – I live in constant panic that I am making the wrong decision, that I am behaving inappropriately, that my every thought and action is the wrong thought and action. I am shamed when I look in the mirror because his voice is in my head telling me I am my mother – and all I see is her.
I am not innocent. I have failed as a mother and wife – but part of my brain is fighting the belief that I have no value here, both in my past and my future. He is not malicious, he is acting through pain and hurt. This man that I married is acting through anger that his life has not evolved in the way he wanted. I think his reaction to the breakdown of our relationship is just as reasonable as my reactions.
I just can’t breathe properly anymore when I am here. When I hear his voice I am paralysed. I am scared to say anything just in case I get it wrong. I am confused all the time wondering if I am going crazy because our version of events don’t meet up. I am suspicious and fearful when he is having conversations with the kids because I am so paranoid he is undermining my authority or counsel to them. I have to believe my babies will one day recognise the ‘truth’, but I am wondering if I will ever know the ‘truth’
23rd July 2020 at 10:22 pm #110899TurtledoveParticipant
Sending a hug and just letting you know that you’re not alone and you’ve come to the right place. X
23rd July 2020 at 11:31 pm #110901LottieblueParticipant
The way you speak will be familiar to many on this forum. It certainly is to me.
Are you getting any support from anyone at the moment? Like from Women’s Aid? Have you done any reading?
That complete muddle in your head can be straightened out a bit (I know from experience) which may give you some clarity. Try reading (or listening to) Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas and Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. They will both help you gain strength and also to make some sense of what is going on.
Keep posting. I’m sure more people will be along with the pearls of wisdom soon. X
23rd July 2020 at 11:32 pm #110902Kitkat44Participant
I hear you, I know this feeling. You describe it so well. Sending a hug, you are safe here.
I practise heart coherence to sit still and know and trust my inner voice. It has helped bring me some peace
25th July 2020 at 9:49 pm #111014
Thank you. I want to call and speak to someone at women’s aid. I don’t want to talk about him and how he feels. I just want to focus on how I have become this person. I am ashamed that I have become this useless unimportant woman. How did I allow myself to become a person of no value. I don’t care about what he believes. I just want to know how I bought into all of this. I am not able to practice any self love techniques because I have nothing in me to love. I have bought into the reality that I am everything that is black and rancid. Outside this home I am liked and appreciated and my work colleagues are seemingly genuinely pleased to have me there. Here at home I am cancer. My presence is a dark stain – one that my babies will never recover from. I was once a formidable storm of positivity and self assured attitude. I can’t grasp how I did this to myself. How did I allow this person I loved to change how I felt about myself?
25th July 2020 at 10:09 pm #111017iliketeaParticipant
Hi, have a look at the post I just bumped for women new to the forum…its time to start learning about Abuse and to get YOU back…you’re still there…I promise…I was like you…I could have written your post 5 months ago…you feel rock bottom now…but you can come up for air. First things first. Do just that. Sit and breathe, on your own somewhere, count for 4, hold for 4, let it out for 4, slowly, very slowly. Secondly, look at some of the book recommendations. A good place to start is Why does he do that? but its only hard copy, so get it if you can hide it and read it. If not, get audible and download and listen when you’re cooking, cleaning, driving, sleeping, exercising, shopping, walking, on headphones. Healing from Hidden Abuse…and Covert Passive Aggressive N********t. Both will help you. I promise. Be patient as the voices are “Therapy” voices but they also make you feel safe, and heard. Honestly. Please please try this as a first step.
You are not the cancer. He is.
You are not black and rancid. He is.
They project. They mirror. They deflect. It is Abuse 101. Please believe me. This is so so normal in everyones stories here.
Look at This is My Abuser – I bumped it earlier on. It will help. I promise.
On Monday, call your GP and set up an appointment to tell them about how you’re feeling. Not necessarily the abuse directly, unless you feel you can, just your mood, your depression, your anxiety. This is the result of this abuse. It is not you. It is the result of what you are experiencing.
Sorry to sound bossy. I want you to believe so much it is not you. Honestly I felt like this. But it wasn’t me, it was him. I left. I’m never going back.
Time to learn the Truth. The truth about Abuse that you are experiencing. Your babies will be ok, you will be ok, its time to to start learning about the insidious world of Hidden Abuse. Sending you strength. You are not a failure, you have reached out and posted here.
25th July 2020 at 10:35 pm #111018
I don’t think I can do any of this. I love how strong you all are. I wish I could transfer some of your energy into my psyche. I don’t think I can. Im pretty sure I have two outcomes – I will always be in this place forever or I will try to escape this and I will end up ending my life because my babies will not want to stay with me
25th July 2020 at 10:57 pm #111019TurtledoveParticipant
alonesadhomeless, if I can do it, anyone can! There’s alot of support and help out there, you’re honestly not alone on this. And you won’t loose your children, if this is your biggest worry then give rights of women a call, they’ll put your mind at rest, xx
26th July 2020 at 8:48 am #111027TickleribberParticipant
Hi, I just read your posts and wanted to add that yes, this could have been me writing this almost exact thing a handful of years ago, particularly the bit about work. And how you don’t feel your former confident self, that’s down to him working on ruining your self esteem over the years, but definitely you can get it back in time.
Once I got onto this Forum and educated myself reading the info and others posts, and the material other ladies are suggesting, it all fell into place and I saw the bigger picture of what’s happened. Then I could start to regroup.
Once I figured it out, my perspective changed and yours will too, you’ll see it for what it is, you sound like a very smart woman.
Sending you virtual hugs, we all need those.
26th July 2020 at 12:55 pm #111038EscapeeParticipant
Hi, I felt as desperate as you do. I was a complete wreck. That was a year ago…..I am now on my way back to living.
Remember how friends see you; how you felt before you met him…..who you really are away from the constant criticism and head games.
Like the other ladies say, read, read, read and breathe!
I made every excuse for him but really his behaviour is his to own and not your job to excuse.
Sending you strength and love 🙏 xx
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