There’s something wrong with me.

[Cantmakedecisons]

There is definitely something wrong with me. I read all your posts and I identify with them all, I understand BUT in my own life I cannot move forward.

I cannot even begin to explain or describe the hideousness of it all, it’s too much, too painful and too shameful. I imagine normally these things would make you angry and determined to leave it well in the past as quickly as possible… no I don’t! I feel shame, I feel fear, I feel isolation and loneliness. BUT I still feel response for him even sorry for him and I don’t understand my own emotions.

I left, but it never really ended. Instead of the normal ‘cycle’ that we’re all aware of it changed to just trying to force me back, either through practicalities or fear. My emotions are so all over the place that I can’t think straight.

Yesterday I was ordered home, I didn’t want to. I spent the day in such a state imagining what it would be like, I was being sick and having panic attacks. Literally in the last hour I decided not to go – I sent a text.

So now I’m back to the hyper vigilant state that I’ve become a custom to, hoping he won’t up the stakes or pile the pressure.

Sorry to go on and on but just feeling so lost.

[KIP.]

It’s trauma bonding. You need help to break it. I had to involve the police and burn those bridges so I couldn’t cross back over. I knew I couldn’t free myself. Appeasing these men doesn’t work. They simply move the goal posts because they enjoy abusing. It’s abuse. You’re reacting to abuse.

[Cantmakedecisons]

The police phoned me this week but I was unable to talk to them, I just go silent! I can’t find the words to do what I need to do.. I’m paralysed!

[iliketea]

Hey, have you continued with counselling? Could you try calling Rape Crisis again? As KIP says this is trauma bonding you’re experiencing. Can you find someone to help you speak? A friend, a relative? What about writing it down and giving it to the police? Or emailing them? What you’ve written here is really clear what you’re experiencing and going through. How about your local branch of Womans Aid, or if there isnt one there should be a domestic abuse support agency, sounds like you need an advocate, and IDVA, to represent you and help you with this… Sorry, Ive chucked a lot of ideas at you. You’ve come so far, keep looking forward. You know backwards isn’t where you want to be. How about going into a Refuge out of the area. That way you get one-to-one support and you are safe and away to start healing and coping with his continuing abuse. If feels you need to be away from him in mind and body and then you can start to heal and get stronger, even stronger than you are now. Do you have the numbers? Thinking of you, keep posting, hope you’re ok. Hugs. xx

[Cantmakedecisons]

I was seeing a counsellor, at rape crisis but then she threatened to call the police because of what I was telling her (didn’t even say that much). I freaked out and stopped seeing her. I do have a IDVA but she just says keep doors and windows locked and don’t answer the door to him. I’m kinda of stuck because unless I actually speak out the horrid truths there’s nothing they can do.

[Cantmakedecisons]

Everyone keeps saying ‘speak your truth’ and it will be fine but I don’t trust that it will be.

[Darcy]

Hi my beautiful angel… cantmakedecisions,
I have an idea of where you are coming from.
I left my ex but went back to him through fear.. in my mind it was better to be next to him than keep looking over my shoulder for him!
He was a very nasty man and capable of some horrendous things.
I contacted the police who did not really help me so then, I like you, kept quiet
(please note this is my story and I don’t discourage anyone from getting help from the police if it is right for them)
Going back made me realise I needed to get strong in myself, physically and mentally. I needed to stop shaking (literally) and stand strong.
My advice to you would be start pouring as much energy as you can into yourself to get yourself strong, this will then start to strengthen your boundaries and you will notice what you do and don’t accept will start to change. You need to stabilized and ground yourself so you can start to think straight and make the right decisions for you.
Never mind feeling sorry for him, when did he feel sorry for you. Be your own best friend.
Well done for not seeing him the other day, zero contact is best if you can. This then gives you the chance to really focus on yourself.
Stay safe my angel
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[KIP.]

It sounds like you’re just about at rock bottom. How much worse can it get by speaking to the police? You can write it down, that’s what I did then went into the other room while they read my statement.

[Cantmakedecisons]

Thanks all.. I’m going to try and write something down.

[Eggshells]

Hi hon, You have had so much horrendous trauma to deal with and it just hasn’t stopped. It’s hardly surprising that you’re feeling paralysed. I can’t help but feel you are traumatised to saturation point. You are going through an incredibly difficult process at the moment and you have more courage than I have ever had. I just think that you need support now, someone you trust to hold your hand through this. You shouldn’t be going through this alone. No-one should have to do that, ever. It’s too much.

Iliketea mentioned a refuge. Is it something that maybe you could consider? Or, is it time that you tried reaching out to your sister? She has to have noticed that you’re not OK.

You’ve been on tenter hooks for so long now and its not over yet. You need someone you can lean on now to stop you from collapsing. I’m worried about you. xx

[Eggshells]

I just read your post to xxx22. You haven’t put yourself in this situation but you have worked so hard and put so much into trying to get yourself out of it. This is not your fault, it never has been. And you are doing an amazing job in resisting going back. I know how hard he is making life for you at the moment but it will be even harder if he gets you back in his grip. Everything that you have done to get away and stay away is your doing, your strength, your determination. What he is doing to you is his choice, his fault. Not yours. Let him own his vile behaviour and abuse. You own your courage and your amazing strength. I know that’s hard when you are so vulnerable and still facing such horrendous abuse from him. Imagine if it was one of us still surviving after everything you’ve been through. I suspect you would be pretty awed. If it was one of us, I wonder what advice you would give us?

[gettingtired]

Oh I’m so sorry to read this. There is nothing wrong with you though. I can really relate to you saying you can read everyone else’s stories and make sense of them and understand. Then when it comes to your own situation it all goes to pot.
Sorry, I’m still stuck in it but I really hope you can reach out for support as you deserve it so much. Take care xx

[Cantmakedecisons]

Thanks for all you wise words.

I ended up phoning 999 last night as he was(I think it was him) was in my back garden. I freaked out and called them. My address is ‘flagged’ so they came really quickly which was reassuring. However, by then he had gone.

[Cantmakedecisons]

I should of said that he also knows I called the police.

[Rosemary]

When I was in a relationship with my ex it was
The most horrible experience of my life and he was abusive he hit me I had bruses on
Body some years back he was not mentally okay him self but he knocked me around for what I went thought I try and put it back of my mind but it’s so hard because the relationship I am
In now is not any better even thoe I’ve
Been with my partner for many years I am
Going thought some similar things that I had
With my ex my partner does something the same I also think it was my mistake for telling my partner I am with now what I went thought with my ex because I feel he use this as a weapon against me because he nows how I as treated in the past that I get scared and anxious.
It’s not easy for me to explain but for me to tell
My partner what I went thought with me Ex do you
Think also his geting abusive at me knowing my ex did that because he nows how that made me feel ?

[newstart2021]

Oh sweetie, I can relate to every single thing you have said. All of it is scarily familiar. I’m only very recently out of mine but I just wanted to say there is nothing wrong with you. This is what they do to us and you are not alone in it. It took me (detail removed by moderator) to get out, please don’t beat yourself up, be kind and patient with yourself.

[Justice Candle]

Hi there! I agree: there is nothing wrong with you. He just wants you to think that! Don’t give him the power to define who you are. He has beaten you up for so long, that you beat yourself up with your own thoughts about yourself. Know that it is him ‘talking’ in your head. Be kind and sweet to yourself – give yourself what you need, you know what you have been missing from him, so you have to give it to yourself. Even a little thing or just being kind to yourself.

[Author]

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