They have taken over role of abuser

[Ssss]

I have been out for little while… I am having grief off my kids every day… they take it in turn… one will tell me to f… o.. and say no to everything I ask.. the other one won’t do a thing for me… but expects me to drive him around and do this that and the other for him… they are taking the mickey out of me and I Carnt foanything about it… it is not very nice.. it’s taking its toll.. I’ve got no support…they have no other role models…they slam doors and fight with each other… it is getting to the point we’re I feel like leaving them with him… I didn’t leave abuse to have it. Onto ur for the rest of my life.. there’s a younger child who is learning from them…it seems worse than before we left.. they blame me for leaving no friends isolation… and I agree it’s pretty rubbish… would be ok… but they have taken over the role… and they have had time to style down… I really don’t kno what to do anymore… I feel like there’s noescape…..

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Ssss

If we had good services in place we would get support to help our children to grow and learn a different way,but you need support to manage all the after effects of the chaos you’ve all lived.

Personally, I would try for now to think of a big something you could all enjoy together, and pick your battles

Also, ask them to come to the table and list what behaviours they dislike. You can all come to a place of agreement about not.wanting to be treated badly in any way. Not personal about who is doing what, but what it feels like and what each hate,and then what feels nice and a family list of.all the behaviours and feelibs you all enjoy. What good things you like to do, and plan some. Even if it them choosing somethings to bake or basic pizza making or something. Something they can all do and feel good about producing something they like?

Can you ask the school if they can do referrals to any specialist groups or courses locally?
Or GP?
Warmest wishes
TS

[fizzylem]

Hi Ssss, gah! Can relate so much; it’s b****y hard work isnt it, wears you out – completely, left me feeling desperation more than a few times. We have turned a few corners now, think the first one was when I sat her down and asked her to tell me how she was feeling about things, after I’d listened and empathised I then asked her if I could now tell her how I have been feeling – she actually heard me and responded, when usually she’d fire off and lose it about most things, but on this occassion we were able to have a mature, calm conversation. You can tell if there’s a window of opportunity to really talk because they dont get defensive. If she’s being defensive then I walk away, save it for another time.

During this talk I was able to say, ‘its not my fault’ and really drive this message home – which she seemed to be able to really get for the first time – because she was ‘listening’. Things seemed to improve a little for a while after this. They really need to stop using this an excuse to hurl abuse at you. It’s not right is it and it doesnt leave them feeling good about themselves or anything. This needs to change, they need to start thinking about how this has effected each family member, not just themselves. If they are secondary school age then they are old enough to get this.

However, my daughter’s anger issues have taken a long time to work through; she had counselling for 6 months and I did have to pay for it because school only gave her 6 sessions and CAMHS and relate had a waiting list of about 6 months just for an initial appointment, then another 9 mnths after that before she would start – useless hey. It was £25 once every two weeks, so I found it – it was a struggle but worth every penny. Maybe ask them if they’d be interested in some counselling, it may be that only one is, then perhaps they could go one at a time – or perhaps if they have some at school this will make a start and lead them into feeling counselling is a good thing? If one sees the other benefiting, as he/she starts to behave differently, then the other might be more willing to go next? Maybe work on the one that shows more willing?

You could have a look at what charities are in your area for them. It’s always worth talking to the GP as well and asking for a referral to CAMHS, but then maybe forget about it and keep trying other options, then when it evetually comes up you can see if you need it then or not – wouldn’t advise waiting for it, look for what else too.

Sounds like you could do with some help to agree a strategy with them, Parentline is a good one to call, I used them a few times. I’m wondering if because you’ve moved them that on some level when they ask for a lift and lay it on, you feel guilty and so bend over backwards? Not that you have a single thing to feel guilty about! This is life, this is what has happened, and this is how it needs to be. You have moved to a place of safety which was essential. I’d be inclined to not give them a lift if they haven’t done their chores or been been nice and spoken with respect that day. You could discuss together what will happen if not, so they are fully aware of what is expected, BUT, whatever you decide you need to stick to it, no matter what, because there will be tears and tantrums at some point hey.

I did it with the xbox; it pained me sometimes her not having it, but she lost it for days and even weeks at a time sometimes, and this went on for a about a year, every other week she lost the xbox again – but I stood my ground. Can’t remember the last time this happnened now, its been months. I also cant remember the last time she really lost it either; she used to tare the house up and hit, kick, bite and punch me. It was really hard but I knew I had to always stay calm or walk away. I’m not going to lie and say I didnt shout myself sometimes, I did, but I can count the number of times I did on one hand, I think the important thing is to always try and aim to stay calm and to not beat yourself up if you do, we’re only human after all. Of course it’s just me and her really, there’s a lot more of you guys, so it’s only natural that the noise level will be much greater and the game of he or she who shouts loudest wins goes on.

You are one person, you cant deal with it all and everything, this needs to be in small pieces at a time, if I were you I’d focus on one relationship a little at a time.

If they are adolescents, they also have raging hormones at this age dont they. Often they dont undertsand what their feelings are or why they feel them. The feelings are also intense as well, they struggle to see that emotions are just emotions and that they change and pass, they havent learnt how to respond to their emotions, rather they react from them. They havent learnt that what they think also informs how they feel – so its up to them to look after their mental health and try to stay positive. They need help to label their emotions, express them, each one, and to do this with kindness and respect for others. Sadly, this takes a long time to learn! For all of us.

Sounds like you need some support; you got a DA support worker? Friends? Childcare? Family? Tried the WA helpline? Counselling? We need a team of support to get through – its hard to find the right support and it can take a while, but it is out there, you just need to find it, oh yes, and recognise that its ok to ask for help – this is essential. You need help on a practical level and emotionally as well hey. Quite often when we feel we have no support it’s because we feel we cant ask anyone we know, when that is not true, or even if it is, then its about finding out who else is there then.

Everyone needs a break from parenting and life sometimes – you able to get this? Helps to restore sanity no end!

Keep posting. FL.x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Ssss, I can only reiterate what Fizzylem replied. It’s so hard to leave an abusive partner just for the kids to continue, but they are going through the same emotions you are, it’s just they are directing them at you. Sitting together, finding out what makes each out you tick is a great idea. You are all in this together. Was your partners abuse more directed at you rather than them? Doesn’t matter if it was really, cause they’ve picked up on how he treated you and as such need retrained. So, time for tough mum, which is going to be really hard, cause you have not long left and won’t be feeling 100% all the time. I hope they come round, going to the dad isn’t am option really, he’ll manipulate and feed them lies about you and you’ll end up with children who despise you. They have to understand, somehow, that you left to protect them and yourself.
I so wish there was more accessible support for the aftermath.
Meanwhile, you can only do the best you can. Don’t ever feel guilty or doubt your decision to leave. Take care my friend.
IWMB 💕💕

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