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Getting this off my chest!!!!
Total silence from him and if I play the game of feeding back silence it all falls back on me for being silent. You just can’t win, provided there is anything to win and I know there is NOTHING to win…
How can they sit there and expect their ears to be filled with our voice, expect their ego boosted by us, expect us to start every conversation, expect conversations to be nothing but positive or at least something that does not “disturb them…And so on.
I tested it again, just to see if by asking him to prepare let’s say a drink, he would respond by doing it but by also waiting for me to feed this dribble of pretend happiness, normality, exchange which is in fact a one way effort by me…
Not one word from him, total silence apart from his sighing, huffing and puffing, all done to make me feel I owe him a conversation, I have to dribble words, the ones he wants…pleasantries…it’s horrendous. It’s like expecting normality out of abnormality.
And by testing it, I managed only to hurt myself again. That’s all I ever obtain from such pointless “drills, I should know better.
Dysfunctional man, weird man, empty person, projection specialist, silent treatment expert, I could go on and on. Just not wired right. No empathy,no feelings, no natural joy, absolutely nothing.
I did ask a few questions yet I got answers barely worth that description. Usually “no” with no further details.
It’s really painful to live like that. I can’t understand how he can enjoy living like that.
Yet as I realise my child is replacing me in the non existent relationship I have with my husband, I clearly see how he has plenty to say, all surface stuff though, nothing emotional, and during their dialogue loads gets said, it’s pure effervescence. But nothing for me nor the scapegoat child…
Horrendous.
I had to write this to get it off my chest. Get rid of the pain and move on with my day…
Is anyone else treated like this too? How do you cope? To me it’s torture.
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Hugs, Bridget.
He’s simply changing his tactics, trying to make you feel like nothing, to gain the upper hand and rule the roost as he believes he should.
There’s no easy answer in living with an abuser. I would say that as much as you can, move your focus on to healthy and wholesome things- your work, your future plans- don’t get dragged down into the quagmire.
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What you describe is very familiar to me. We never talked unless it was something he initiated, and that was not very often. He has a diagnosis of a disorder which makes empathy and socialising very difficult, but that didn’t make it much easier to live with. He would also not reply when I spoke to him or simply reply ‘I’m not listening.’
He was astonishingly rude and disrespectful to me. He even told me at one point that I must have known what he thought of me given his total disrespect for me.So he knew what he was doing, and he knew that it was wrong.
The adjectives ‘weird’, ‘projecting’ and ‘dysfunctional’ are absolutely right. My ex wouldn’t celebrate Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries or any success as he ‘didn’t see the point’. The point was that I wanted to celebrate them!
I don’t have any advice or consolation to offer, just that you are not on your own in living with a difficult, abusive man.
Oh, and I agree with looking at some of the stuff about (detail removed by moderator)abuse. -
I don’t speak with my partner, I try to but he always interrupts and makes it about him, like I haven’t had a hard day, I’m not tired or poorly or anything he is always got to be more or worse off, like it’s not a competition I’m just trying to make conversation, he told me in are last disagreement that he shouts at me to shut me up, so now I don’t even try to talk, he still talk a lot about himself I make a fake giggle or hmm or yes or no, he knows I am a chatty person but over the years he has made me believe I have nothing interesting to say and I’m boring y else would he dismiss all I have to say, I no now it’s not me, and that’s my upper hand, I’m ok I’m funny I’m loving I like to chat just not with him anymore, get a better convo talking to myself in the mirror 😊
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Oh yes Greyskydarkdays, after we had been out with another person or a couple (very, very rare), my ex would tell me that I talked too much and that other people found me boring and attention seeking. I had always been a confident, outgoing person and enjoyed talking to people, but by the end of our relationship I had become ‘the silent woman’ and a shadow of my former self.
I had a job which involved a lot of socialising and it even affected that – I became anxious, developed a form of stage fright, and constantly wondered what others thought of me. It was all projection. He has severe problems with social interaction which have been diagnosed as a specific disorder, but maintained that it was me that had more problems than him!
A red flag which I ignored early on in our relationship was when he told me that his father had ignored his mother for years before their divorce. He said it was because his mother was ‘crazy’, which became something he regularly accused me of. He was actually telling me that his father was abusive and used the silent treatment – wish that I had listened!
I am glad that you are starting to recognise this kind of abuse.
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