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      It really is the end this time :,(.
      All the times before I’ve held out some hope that something will change, that there was a way to work threw it all. That id work out how to make him happy. In some respects the longer time goes on, the less sure I feel that I was rite (Not that I had any confidence in that in the first place).
      I’ve been reading up on n********m and I think I’ve said before that he seems to fit the bill… But I exhaust myself going over and over things in my head.
      If I don’t constantly think of past situations and clarify them as being abusive then I start to forget and miss him terribly. But the longer time goes on… The less I am able to remember situations as abusive anyway. Why am I so determined to think up rational reasons for things that happened… by rational I mean making myself the irrational one. Constantly still thinking ‘but if I had just said this or not said that or done this or not done that’… Then sometimes I think to myself that he wasn’t wrong and nor was I so maybe we just weren’t meant for each other… And that’s probably the most painful thought Of all because even that leads me back to thinking I’m to blame, Because if that were the case- why did he keep coming back and saying if I’d behaved differently then it wouldn’t have lead him to behave how he had?!
      I know that there are things that can irritate us about others… Some people have ‘irritated’ me so much that I’ve decided I can’t be friends with them. So if I felt that was about a partner…… Well I wouldn’t be with them to start with, I wouldn’t expect them to change… I’d accept them for who they were and accept I didn’t like them… I thought that was human nature? But I loved him so even though there naturally were things that annoyed me- they were not enough to make me angry or to make me want to leave him. And by contrast… There were times that I felt so happy, so complete and that he adored me as much as I adored him. I was in a constant state of confusion… I still am. He made me believe (by telling me so often) that I had or have a mental illness and that’s why life was so up and down… But reading about n*********s… They need to feel like they are worshiped I guess.. In control and that people are grateful of all that they do. He made grand gestures (though looking back they weren’t all that grand) and declared I was the love of this life, his best friend etc etc… And then at the flip of a coin he was verbally and physically beating me down, telling me I was ungrateful and selfish. I think I was bought up with manners. I show appreciation, I defiantly don’t take people or things for granted. I was always happy when he did nice things for me but I don’t know how he expected me to show my gratitude… It was like nothing I ever did was good enough.
      I mean I really can’t think how much more I could’ve done. I really truly did adore him. I’ve done more and tolerated more from him than I ever did from anyone. When I was much younger, in previous relationships I did very little for them. If they accused me of being selfish I would’ve said they were rite, but for him I did everything and more and I wanted to do it. I took pleasure out of making his lunch for work, cooking for him, helping him with his work…. Anything- I wanted to do it. I didn’t do any of it for thanks or so that he was thankful. I admit that I liked it when he told me he felt lucky to have me. It made me feel like I mattered. I genuinely loved him and that’s why I wanted to make him happy. The few friends (I mean very few) that I have and my family too- they just don’t seem to understand how I can miss him after he’s physically hurt me.
      Everyone seems to focus so much on the physical side and they seem to see it as being bad.. But why don’t I? When my mum says ‘he abused you, he hit you’… I literally say that the physical violence doesn’t matter. I’ve told her lots of times now that I wish I’d never told her about him hitting me because everyone focuses so much on that. It’s like I genuinely need to work out if the emotional side of things was abusive first. I need to truly believe in myself that he was emotionally abusing me… Because if I can’t fully believe the emotional stuff- then I still truly believe that I pushed him to physically hurt me. Everyone says that there’s never any excuse for physical violence but I make excuses up… I instantly think ‘but you can’t judge it until you’re in it’ then they say but would I have hit him and the answer is always no.

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