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It has occurred to me how our abusers- and even toxic people in our childhood- tried to rob us ( or didn’t acknowledge our right to ) the thing that I think gives a human being their greatest joy: being in charge of themselves and having choice, being free to achieve according to what they feel their individual life purpose is, and making decisions without being sabotaged or criticised.
People who either couldn’t see or had no respect for others’ boundaries encroached on our personal space, tried to dictate who we should be, tried to tell us we weren’t entitled to basic rights and criticised us for not doing exactly as they wanted or reflecting them ( or being subservient to them).
For years, we were made to feel we were wrong simply for wanting to be ourselves and to feel free. This lead to an anxiety in ourselves, that we somehow were bad for wanting to have our own mind and to make our own choices.
This anxiety and fear ( because certain people might have threaten to punish us, to leave etc if we didn’t do things their way) led us to be people-pleasers. We got caught in an unhealthy cycle of putting ourselves aside and focussing on appeasing other people- often people who couldn’t be appeased, however much you gave them.
We became drained, exhausted, traumatised by their intermittent blame and their demands to hijack our lives.
Caught in an abusive long term relationship, great damage was done to us. Add to this the critical, judgemental and demanding voices from our childhood, what hope did we have of enjoying our lives and enjoying being ourselves?
One of life’s greatest joys is to feel empowered and to dictate the direction of our own life and personal achievement. Controlling people work to prevent us feeling self-empowered.
I truly think the way forward is to get all the help one can in the area of self-empowerment: learning that setting boundaries is ok and is a necessity.
When I first began to be more assertive and set boundaries, it triggered me. I think fear stops us from doing it- the fear that resides in our subconscious, the fear of what will happen if we are assertive. I still get that flood of fear, but I think the more you practice and the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Setting boundaries daily in a polite but assertive manner is the way to feeling safe and like you are your own person.
When we were children, we longed to be adults so that we could make our own decisions. Then we grew up and found that certain people tried to stop us from making our own decisions, even though we – like them- were adult. Abusers like to treat adults like children, presiding over them like a critical and dictatorial parent. But the fact is, we are adults. We are entitled to freedom and choice.
I was mourning the fact that much of my childhood and adulthood had been painful and given up to domineering people. I felt depressed that my youth had gone, and had been sacrificed to those who didn’t deserve it and should never have asked so much of me. But today, I feel an amazing joy: because I am an adult. I am entitled to make my own decisions. With much help, I think I have got to that place where what people say about or think of me is not life of death to me. I gag us most important is that I am happy and feel empowered and independent, and have control of my own life. That is what will make my heart sing.
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Hi Serenity
Thank you for your heartfelt and passionate message–it is true what you say for many of us.Yes we can feel sad for the lost years due to abusive people and our own wounds but as you write we are adults now and this sets us free once we get the basic tools into our toolbox.Once we learn to defend our boundaries etc we respect ourselves which means others do too.I also think that support-the right kind-and learning about what happened to us, clears the fog we used to live in and didnt realise it. Have you heard of the book by Maya Angelou: I know why The Caged Bird Sings? This reminds me of all of us as surviving the imprisonment.I think there is a lovely poem of the same theme.This shows us that despite adversity, our spirit can be set free by courage and determination.Abusers lack these qualities and will remain trapped by their negativity.And we can dance or sing at any age! We can be trailblazers,setting a good example for generations to come….
Jupiter -
Serenity that was so eloquently put and I agreed with every single word that you have written. At first my new found freedom was a bit overwhelming and I was a quite scared of being in control of my own destiny so to speak as a was so used to somebody else dictating my life and living up to the unrealistic and unhealthy standards of abusers It’s such a wonderful feeling to have the freedom and liberty that should have been there from the beginning anyway and to choose things that you want to do and learn so much in the process. It certainly does get better with time and for me I appreciate every little thing that happens to me. I have never felt this happy and its such a wonderful feeling.
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Hi I like this WhathaveIdone it’s a positive outcome for you and inspiring.
Serenity lots of points resonate with me from your post & Jupiter I love the analogy of the caged bird disturbing and also on point…!
There’s so many levels of robbed joys missed opportunity physical and emotional robbery & damage.
Heres a story ( mine) about a prolific ‘joy thief’!Tonight I had to work late…I was on route home and harked back to life with him..in that situ & many many others…my own enthusiasm buoyed me along, I’d be all jolly and loving…so looking forward to seeing him..a hug a kiss, embraces with ‘ my guy’, having a chat relaxing all loved up. It was me.
…I’d bounce in the door, hiiii! What’s on tv ?(him slumped)..Nothing! Nope nothing at all, all c**p..all negative. No hug no kisses no smiles all dull and heavy
Umm I’m confused…He’s projecting his s****y mood onto me…why?
Because he can!Oh no is this really happening!?! Ok let’s try again…Bang ..goes the happy smiley me..all my optimism/enthusiasm/replaced with anger/confusion/fear
In reality it was all my mindset, NOT reality!
Ohh right?? What does that mean? now I’m even more confused what’s going on! Can’t we just be like ‘normal’ couples…why can’t it be ok be fun be consistent & stable?
He’s elevated to a higher level …only because he’s convinced me he’s worth it!..not because he is…derr here’s me thinking he’s cool sharp funny! a good guy...nope none of the above
In reality he is an insignificant nobody with not much going on …negative..nothing ‘happening’ no ideas…just a bit of a void really…an opportunist. The End! ( LOL)
Cx
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