Things I can do now

[Newbeginnings1234]

I’m currently doing the Freedom Forever programme online (I would definitely recommend it to anyone who has recently left), and one of the exercises is to list everything that I can do now that I couldn’t do before I left. I thought I would post some of them here so that people who are thinking of leaving can see how different life can be after leaving. They seem like such small things, but before I left I used to dream about being able to do them. If anyone has any other examples I’d love to hear them:
– Buy whatever I want
– Go out on my own
– Eat whatever and whenever I want
– Go to bed when I want
– Watch what I want to on TV
– Listen to music whenever I want
– Wear whatever I want and buy new clothes
– Wear makeup
– Go out with friends
– Get my hair cut
– Decorate my flat however I want
– Put the heating on when I’m cold
– Visit my family
– Live wherever I want
– Talk to whoever I want without being accused of cheating
– Get a job

[Raindays]

Wish I had the strength to do this
Well done x*x

[Newbeginnings1234]

You will one day, it took over a year for me to find the strength to leave xx

[KIP.]

Lie in bed in the morning without fear of being sexually assaulted.
Watch what I want on tv without being ridiculed.
Walk out the front door without someone trying to physically stop me.
Visit my mum and dad and help my best friend through her grief at losing her dad.
Buy clothes without being told I waste so much money on clothes.
Talk to people without being told how embarrassing I am.
Have a bath without someone waiting outside to tell me I was touching myself.
Drive without being told I couldn’t drive a greasy stick up a pigs arse…….
Well, you get the picture lol. Feels great.

[Newbeginnings1234]

Most of those also apply to me (even the bath one, which I thought was just me, so that makes me feel a bit less alone). Although things are still difficult at the moment, I have so much more freedom than I did before, and as things start to get better I will be able to add more things to the list instead of slowly removing them like I did before x

[WalkerInTheRain]

I can have a bath without someone bursting in to pour cold water on me, dunk my head under the water, threaten to put my phone in the water or accuse me of touching myself (instead of servicing him)
I can get dressed without being called fat and discusting, without having photos taken of me to ‘prove’ how disgusting I am, without being forced to (detail removed by moderator).
I can sleep soundly without the treat of being sexually assaulted or without being kept awake or pushed out of bed.
I can spend my money how I want
I can pursue hobbies without being told I’m sh!t at everything and I shouldn’t bother
I can see my friends and family without being told how they’re not good for me
I can move freely without my movements being tracked on my phone

And many other things…

[Newbeginnings1234]

Some of those are very familiar to me too, I’m glad you’re able to do all of those things now xx

[KIP.]

I can’t believe the bath thing is so common. He used to say that it was his job not mine. Wait outside like he was listening at the door. W*f, such dysfunction became so normal. They are so pathetic. There are so many common threads in the book Living with the Dominator. And I used to think I was the only one being abused. Now there are so many and it’s the same abuse. Mind blowing. So glad I’m free and I wish I could free every single woman still being abused x

[Newbeginnings1234]

The last time we moved house before I left, I insisted on finding a house with 2 bathrooms so that I could have my own bathroom and could lock him out without him having any excuse to come in. I would have preferred to have my own bedroom as well, but he definitely wouldn’t have agreed to that. It’s a weird feeling to be relieved that it’s not just me, but also sad that other people have experienced it too x

[KIP.]

I managed to have my own bedroom and I fitted a lock. Used it like a panic room. What a way to live.

[Newbeginnings1234]

Yes, it’s a horrible way to live. One house we lived in had a lock on the door to every room. By the time we moved out every single lock was broken from being forced open after I’d locked myself in (they weren’t very strong locks but the fact I needed to lock myself in in the first place was ridiculous) x

[Anonymous]

– being able to answer the phone at work without panicking it’s him ringing to scream at me

– being able to answer the door without wonderi g which neighbour will be there complaining about him next (and potentially getting assaulted as a result)

– being able to open the mail without it being another lot of money he owes and expects me to pay

Not having to spend £30 to £40 every single day on cigarettes and alcohol

– Being able to have friends and family to the house

– being able to have my lovely (removed by moderator) on display

– being able to sleep in the bed instead of on the settee every night

– not having to lock myself in my car with a torch and a blanket on cold winter evenings

– not feeling like an intruder in the home I worked hard to buy for 30+ years.

[Newbeginnings1234]

Those are definitely good examples, I’m glad you’re free to do those things now xx

[Freedom22]

Wow all of your lists seem amazing and so so refreshing. You women are an inspiration and I cant wait for the day I can write a list like that stating all of the things I can do which I currently cant. I find myself reading these forums each time I have some time to myself. They are helping me get through each day so thank you. I pray that I get the courage to leave one day and ne free xx

[Newbeginnings1234]

You’ll find the courage one day. I never thought I would be able to leave (and a few other people have told me that they never thought I’d have had the courage to leave either), but eventually I found the strength to do it. Maybe it might help to come up with your own list of things that you want to be able to do after you leave and focus on that, even if the things on the list seem really small xx

[Anonymous]

Doing the washing up when I want to and knowing I am capable of doing it.

Eating food without feeling guilty

Hanging the washing on clothes horses

Wearing what I want

Not being afraid of going to bed

[Newbeginnings1234]

Those are really good examples, it seems like not being afraid of going to bed is a common one x

[HunkyDory]

A little one from me (along with lots of the above!) I buy fresh flowers for the house every week. Because before there were “a waste of money”… 🙄 xx

[Newbeginnings1234]

That’s funny, I was just thinking about doing that myself. My Husband always used to say they were a waste of money as well. He only bought me flowers once, after we’d had an argument and he wanted me to show them to people to show how ‘nice’ he was, and he ordered them online so that I had to stay at home all day to wait for them xx

[KIP.]

Flowers were incredibly triggering for a long time after I ended things. I didn’t realise it was because he would buy me flowers after an episode and often before! It took me a long time to recognise why I became really anxious around a bunch of flowers. Their abuse goes deep x

[Anonymous]

Its telling that when I went into a haberdasher’s, the owner was shocked that a husband let his wife buy wool without trouble.

[Author]

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