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maddog.
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31st March 2018 at 8:07 pm #56553
iwillbeok
ParticipantHi,
I came across this online and felt like I’d been hit by a sledge-hammer:
– Thinking up stories before bed. This is a symptom of high anxiety because you are trying to calm down and fall asleep in a “safe world” where people are looking out for you and caring for you.
Holy c**p!! I did this for at least a year if not longer, before we split up! It became the only way I could fall asleep. I would tell myself ‘if for some reason we weren’t together, like if we’d not met‘… and then image scenarios of ‘first kiss moments’ with an imaginary boyfriend. I would feel so guilty – like I was being unfaithful. I never imagined guys I knew (although I had an almighty crush on a guy at work – I think I just recognised him as being a decent human being).
This was my mind’s way of saying to me that I was desperate to feel loved, appreciated, attractive, worthy of affection. I was getting none of this in my marriage. He hadn’t told me he loved me for a very long time (and in fact had given a long word-salad monologue on why he couldn’t!), didn’t hug me or kiss my cheek, (though would present his for a kiss from me!) but would rarely, randomly grab me and passionately kiss me (to which I would swoon – it was like getting a hit of a drug!). Other times he would randomly grab my a*s or breasts (“If I can’t grope my wife, who can I grope?” he would ‘joke’), or tweak my nipple. If I reacted because it hurt he would tell me that didn’t hurt and then go on a rant about how I wouldn’t let him anywhere near me and that I must be getting it somewhere else. I learnt to not react at all just to avoid the accusations or else his “poor-me, I’m so ugly and fat; why would you want me” sob story.
I am feeling better in myself in the time that I’ve been free and have purged a lot of the guilt. It was not my fault. But I really fear that as much as I heal, as much as I believe in my own self worth, that he has ruined my chances for any other relationships. I hate the idea that he might be the last one to ever kiss me, the last to have sex with, the last to hold hands with, the last to ‘love’ me (I put ‘s because he never really loved me). Because as much as I imagine these scenarios as way to get to sleep; I don’t know that I could ever let anyone that close again…
xx iwillbeok
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31st March 2018 at 8:19 pm #56555
Ayanna
ParticipantStories are my life. As a child I needed my stories to survive my childhood. In the marriage I needed them to cope with the fact that there was no escape and no help. After fleeing I needed them to not take my own life.
Stories help to survive the worst situations, until life becomes bearable. -
31st March 2018 at 8:40 pm #56559
maddog
ParticipantI didn’t know that recurrent nightmares were part of it too. I have the same nightmare now. I haven’t had recurrent nightmares for decades. Now that my husband sleeps in another room I don’t often get anything near my crotch and it is a massive relief to snuggle up in pyjamas. The dogs sleep in my room and one of them gets under the duvet. She had a good stretch the other morning and her paw pushed against my crotch. I froze. I was shocked by my reaction and told my gp.
The feeling of coming from the wrong side of the tracks is also something I live with. It has profoundly effected my financial situation. It is hard to find work when the bottom line is being unwantable. This is not my husband. The sex thing and the nightmares are though.
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