6th June 2019 at 3:44 pm #80078NewWingsParticipant
Recently my eldest has been sending me texts re his fathers snide remarks and general bad humour. However, my son has chosen to live with him and knows that he bad mouths everyone. Despite looking after him and generally doing my level best, he now says we’re as bad as each other. So yesterday I perhaps over reacted, he sent yet another text to say he’d had yet another row with his father and he was fed up could I ring him. He said he couldn’t talk and to ring later. I decided to go and see him after his father had gone. I was met with hostility and he said he’d patched things up and what was I doing there anyhow, I said I was tired of being played and that he was playing us off each other. He denied this. He then said he wasn’t going to listen to this and closed the door in my face. I texted him to say that I had eventually got histext to say he’d patched things up. Every weekend my son comes round and expects me to pay for the cinema,fares etc and expensive takeaways. He asks about my will, which my ex has obviously read as he has somehow been getting into the property when I’m out. My ex is such a skilful liar that he is believed and I am not. My son now has similar musical tastes to my ex he talks politics all the time and its so right wing almost fascistic. He repeats the lies my ex has said about me and the course of the divorce. My child has no ambition lies in bed all day and has made no effort to make something of his life. His father shouts at him to the point he nearly killed himself through stress and high blood pressure. I haven’t replied to my sons text as I am so hurt that he closed the door in my face. I have never done that to anyone I’m close to except my ex. I feel my son has become a clone. Do I let my son stew a bit I am not going apologise as I am sick of being told how bad my ex is and my shortcomings as a parent. I wan tot leave the country and I had plans to move somewhere I could start again and then Brexit happened. I love my child but I don’t recognise him.
6th June 2019 at 3:57 pm #80080[email protected]Participant
this one rings very true for me as my eldest is the same. I was undermined by her dad so much infront of her she thinks this is the norm. I am not to be respected and she speaks to me how she pleases – shes actually said I abused her dad! even although she saw him in action thru her whole life. its denial and they mimic their role model. after all she has said who would want to be a victim like me? it hurts. all I can say is they do always love us unconditionally and so do we. im not sure how to un do all the damage these men do im working on that one myself but they need to know we have boundaries- I don’t stand any nonsense and at the moment ive taken a stand with no contact since the last abusive phone call from her x*x this is the hardest thing in the world top deal with by far from everything that has happened and also very misunderstood xxxx much love diymum
6th June 2019 at 4:24 pm #80085NewWingsParticipant
Thanks Diymum, I know that only we on here truly understand. My son talks to me like he’s my peer and in a tone that reminds of my sister who sided with my abuser. Putting up boundaries meant that I have had to go complete no contact with her and my ex. Now it looks as though this the next thing that I am going to have to do with my child. However, he is an adult but extremely immature so like his father, they really do seem to indulge in arrested development expecting others to take care of them and clear up their messes. Big hugs New Wings
6th June 2019 at 5:00 pm #80090KIP.Participant
He’s an adult. I had to walk away from my relationship with my adult child. I told him I love him and he’s always welcome in my life. On my terms in a non abusive way. It’s the sting in the tail of domestic abuse and it’s so very painful but you simply cannot allow this kind of abusive behaviour to continue in your life. It destroys us. My child sided with his abuser dad too. I think it’s easier than getting grief and they go with the easier option. My advice is to give him space. Don’t give him money and rewards when his entitled behaviour is hurtful. Respect has to be earned x
6th June 2019 at 5:51 pm #80095FlowerchildParticipant
You haven’t ruined your relationship with him, Wings darling. You’ve just fallen out with a stroppy, unreasonable and confused young adult, that’s all. Sometimes they make it impossible not to!
You love him and you won’t stop loving him, but you don’t need to spoil him or be a doormat, either, do you?
I’d be inclined to message him that you know he’s probably feeling bad about slamming the door on you, but you understand how difficult he was finding things that day and you know that he understands you were just responding to his call for help and had only good intentions.
Tell him you hope to see him soon and he’s welcome at yours.
But before he comes, make sure you have none of his usual treats in the kitchen – no alcohol or snacks – just raw ingredients for a pizza or whatever his usual takeaway fancy is.
When he comes round, why not suggest you cook and eat together and make it quality mother and son time. If he wants to go out or have takeaway instead, you could tell him fine, but it’s his shout this time, as you won’t be paying for it.
He might be doing a bit of financial abuse! It might be best to tuck your cards away out of reach somewhere he won’t think of looking and change the PINs if you suspect he knows them. Don’t have any notes in your purse, just a few coppers, just in case he goes looking. If it’s not there, he can’t help himself to it.
You could say you are a bit alarmed at your bank balance lately and being more careful but that you understand he comes to see you for you, not for money and treats!
Why not tell him you respect him as an adult and have decided to stop treating him like a child who needs everything paying for.
You’ll soon know how much he values you for yourself. He will respect you for it in the long run.
Avoid mentioning his father or words like lazy, ungrateful, freeloader etc however much you might feel you want to utter them. If he starts using words like mean, tight, skinflint, you can always just smile and say you call it being wise and careful with your hard-earned resources!
Preparation is the secret.
Above all, don:t be provoked into falling out with him. He knows the buttons to push just like his father did, but he is NOT his father.
Be prepared to use the ‘broken record’ technique if need be. That means not being drawn into explaining or justifying your decisions, but simply responding in the exact same words and calm tone until he gives up pestering, e.g. ‘I won’t be ordering in or going out.’ Let him wear himself out thinking of different things to say if he wants to while you have the same response ready every time he stops for an answer.
If he threatens or frightens you, don’t hesitate to call 999, but I hope you end up having a lovely evening in together!
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