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    • #31894
      lilaclady
      Participant

      Hello all!

      I am new to this forum and what a help it has been. I don’t live in the UK but am glad there are such good online resources out there and just reading people’s stories its almost comforting to know I am not alone, this is right what’s happening and other people are just like me too.

      I have been with my partner for (detail removed by Moderator), married for (detail removed by Moderator) and have an almost (detail removed by Moderator). I guess it started with the odd explosion here and there. Things not going his way on holiday (you took too long buying water!!) or going his way in general which would then need to anger (abusive anger I have learnt it’s called) a cycle of nastiness directed at me and then the calm down denying anything happened and being fine. Nothing resolved. Now it’s just all the time with small breaks. Since our child was born it’s been more intense. I remember incidents of being so angry when he would wake at night doing all the stuff babies do, being shouted at to just FEED HIM, or told to F off in the middle of the night. Being told to leave, but you’re not taking the baby, you’re a gold digger, a liar. Recently I have been accused of having an affair. He is very controlling but not in a really obvious way, being grumpy if I head out to see friends, making it difficult, not explicitly saying you cant go, not wanting me to go to (detail removed by Moderator). And now also I can’t have my own opinions and he HATES it when I call him out for what he is doing, when I tell him all the nasty things he has said after I he has calmed down, when I find it hard to communicate with him. And if I cry he says I am just being a victim. If I try and talk to him he ignores me or denies all he has said. He HATES me working, says he does support me but in reality he hates it says I am neglecting my family and putting pressure on us. I don’t need to work for money but I need it for my sanity plus I want to keep my career going in case I do need money for us and also I LOVE MY JOB!

      For so long I have felt I couldn’t leave a marriage this early, or give up. I have tried everything talking to him, seeing a counsellor (she said he had anxiety, depression, a fear of negative evaluation, social phobia) and he has since been on medication for all these things which have worked for the anxiety and OCD but I am now at the point where I don’t think there is any medication for being verbally and emotionally abusive. But STILL even now I think is this really happening, am I making a big drama out of nothing, everyone rows right?

      I am off to see a lawyer today to work out what my rights are when it comes to divorce, our son and money. He has considerably more money than me, like A LOT, and has said in anger that if I ever left him he would hire the most expensive lawyer in town to destroy me. And he has also said if I left I can’t take my son, I know I could. I am just worried. Everything is his, the house, the cars everything. (detail removed by Moderator) I have not much to call my own.

      Also can anyone tell me how on EARTH you started the leaving process. He is going to hit the roof and given he can be angry at the best of time how is this going to play out. I did leave him once for a few weeks as the abuse was full on but I left a note and I always planned to return as I was really hoping we could sort it out.

      This is the worst thing I can imagine happening I just never thought I would get here but part of me wants to leave now I am not stuck in this for the rest of my life, or for the next 10 years so me and my son have a chance at a peaceful happy life and I am not affected too badly in the long term. I go to bed dreaming of us in a little home somewhere happy and peaceful with no dread of coming home after work, or dread of what the weekends and evenings are like.

      Any advice, support, stories you’ve got ANYTHING would help right now. Knowledge is power!! Thanks so much everyone!

    • #31898
      EeyoreNoMore
      Participant

      Hey there Lilac, welcome!

      I think you’re doing much better than you know! You’ve identified that your husband is an abuser and you’re ready to deal with it – that’s huge already!

      You’re right that knowledge is power and I’m glad you’re talking to a solicitor. My ex also said that if we split he would take our child. Likewise he also said that he would hire the best solicitor and I would have nothing. (detail removed by Moderator) They’re deluded and lie to themselves every day!

      If you can call the helpline please do, the ladies are amazing. It’s best to see if you can devise an exit plan to keep you and your LO safe. Don’t try and confront him and don’t expect any answers.

      Have you looked up Lovebombing and Gas Lighting? They are two definitions that really helped me understand.

      Good luck xx

    • #31959
      lilaclady
      Participant

      Thanks so much abcxyz! I am so glad you walked away today well done. And I think you are right he can’t control and abuse you any more and that’s what keeps me going the thought that one day I will be out of this. I DO still worry about being left on the streets while he is living in a mansion and in the eyes of the law (it’s different in the country I am) the house isn’t a martial property (legal stuff I won’t go into) so I don’t have a claim BUT I can make a settlement with him…a bit scary and I can’t even IMAGINE getting there. I still haven’t told him about any of this or made a plan to leave yet. I am just TOTALLY overwhelmed by it all. Last night I just cried and cried as it all seemed so scary so full on and I just wasn’t sure I could cope./ but that was middle of the night fears which do seem better in the cold light of day. For now I am just going to let it sink in and come up with a plan. Currently he is texting me saying how much he loves me big kiss for you. When I didn’t reply to his text saying have a lovely day love you he rang me later to ask why. I was just busy at work and also didn’t really know what to say. Now it’s the weekend and I feel like I am just in shock and still reeling from his nasty words this week. And if I don’t act all normal and nice THAT will p**s him off.

      But like you say I am finally realising I DO have a choice I DO want a better life for me and my son it’s just a matter of when now.

      Thanks so much xxxxx

    • #32029
      nevertoolate
      Participant

      Hi there Your post describes exactly the behaviour I’ve been putting up with from my husband, which I’d always excused as just him being a grumpy old man. He was always sulking and withdrawing if life wasn’t going his way, whether it was at work or my choice of restaurant or the worst one was was after our (removed by moderator)ย was born and his was in a black blood for days afterwards because he said I wasn’t paying attention to his emotional needs ( I’d been in hospital having a blood transfusion that’s why!!)
      If you have friends or family in the UK are you able to contact them is by email or text and start telling someone how you feel? You don’t need to tell them everything but just reaching out to someone who would be there for you if you do decide to leave can be very empowering I’ve found.
      And once you’ve decided to leave please don’t be fooled by the ‘nice’ phase- it’s just another way of controlling you.
      Stick to your guns, you’ll be fine. It sounds like you already have the resources to leave if you want to, so listen to your heart. Keep safe and let us know you are doing xx

    • #32104
      magicunicorn
      Participant

      hi I have been reading the above comments. I to want to leave but is a matter of when. its not the first time for me(leaving). I know I am a lot better off with out this man in my life but I do feel incredibly guilty. I do worry that he will be on the street or even if I actually want to go back into this house after its blown over as such. last time I went back to my house he carved in the kids window seal ” i will get you” he was going mad as you would expect, trying to find me telling me ” I can run but I cant hide”. its hard making the children start again and so unfair. not everyday is a bad but, the bad does out way the good and the damage is done. I lye there at night just wishing he wouldn’t return home. ever! I know he wont make it that easy for me. so its hard to leave my lovely home that I love to start again, yet again. im such an idiot for thinking things would different this time, but as someone mention that’s the being nice phase. wish there was a home in the country I could escape to. ๐Ÿ™

    • #32141
      lilaclady
      Participant

      I feel the same as you magicunicorn… wanting leave but not knowing how and also feeling guilty. I am in the nice phase at the moment and so now I feel like why am I doing this why am I even thinking of leaving. I am going to rip up my family and cause so much hurt. I left once before but that was very much I am leaving I can’t live in this environment things needs to change but I want to save our family and not separate. This time it feels different I would be leaving and for good. But being in the current nice phase makes it hard. Feels like I imagined the whole thing. I so know that feeling you describe of not wanting him to come home. Last week he had lots of work things on so was coming home late so it was so nice putting my boy to bed and then having a nice peaceful evening. Now he’s being nice and I feel the way I do I can’t be nice and normal when he is or kiss him goodnight, I am still sleeping in the spare room. Every time I get to the end of the cycle and the nice stuff begins and I think right I will just keep going a bit longer….and then it all happens again.

    • #32204
      magicunicorn
      Participant

      snap im just like that, always keep going and for what as nothing changes. I have had a good chat with my mum today. I didn’t tell her how things were as I didn’t want people saying “i told you so” she says she knew something wasn’t right from how I have been acting lately. wish she had said sooner. If I had little bit money behind me, I would leave tomorrow. I know i want to go now as i deserve a lot better and i don’t want my girls growing up thinking this is how people should treat each other. im going to get xmas out the way to let the girls enjoy it then i will go. that way i will have money to. between then and now im going to look for some where to stay so i knows its there. Im going to start again and this time i have my job so i will do my hardest to do my best for myself and daughters. i know i can do this and I WIIL. so can YOU. We need to know our worth and we are worth more then what we are getting. please help yourself and stay strong, if you need to talk, we can talk. i find talking to someone who don’t know you is easier. ๐Ÿ™‚ xxxx

    • #32218
      AppleNinja
      Participant

      Hi,

      This is amazing – I can identify with everything in these posts by all of you. It’s amazing not because t6his is happening to us but because we know that we’re not alone and we can help each other.

      Lilaclady, you will get out – from the way you write I am convinced that you will. You’ve clearly had enough. I started making a plan several weeks ago but I’m also having difficulty taking the decisive action because we were in the nice phase for a few weeks. However, when the nasty phase returns, I sink deeper than the previous time. On the one hand, it’s good to allow yourself time to make a plan etc. but on the other hand, long delays are very weakening. I feel enormously guilty because our daughter loves him but I cannot wait to be free of him.

      My tipping point was when he demanded that I give him more money; I work full-time and he doesn’t work – by his own choice in which I had no say. It went like this: Me: I’m pregnant Him: Great! But you are aware that my job is being the house-father (he has a teenage daughter who was (detail removed by Moderator) at the time) and you will have to work if you want to have this baby, right?’ So I work and he earns nothing and I pay into his account on a monthly basis.

      So what made me decide was when he demanded I pay him more. This after he had physically assaulted me a few months earlier and then his attitude was: I’m sorry but stuff happens and you’ll just have to get over it. And now he asks for money, pressuring me to look for a new job, plays xbox every single evening, complains I don’t take him out and boasts about the amount of work he does!!!! (as in dusting, painting walls, cooking every other day).

      I imagined myself in 10 years time and saw a bitter, worn out woman, stressed, withdrawn and negative, and penniless.

      This is not who I am and this is not a kind of mother I want to be. Your child deserves a happy and respected mama.

      My plan is also to get over Christmas and then bye bye tyranny!

      Let us know how you get on,

      AppleNinja x*x

    • #32250
      SimbCat
      Participant

      Reading all these comments makes me not feel so alone,im new here & this is my first post. I too am thinking of leaving after christmas is over, i cant do it yet i have 2 children who adore him & he is a good dad most of the time, i couldnt disrupt xmas for the kids. At the moment we’re going through the nice phase, hes going to start taking his antidepressants again blah blah blah, and just like so many others when things are ok i feel guilty & start questioning myself, i think that maybe i am overreacting and that the fact that he hit me (detail removed by Moderator) years ago & pushed me a few years ago and not done it since makes me think maybe they were just a one off? His anger is awful & very abusive & is very frightening for me & my children but maybe i should just get over it & accept that that is the way he is , thats what he says to me anyway, so then i start to think is it normal then? Is it a normal thing in a relationship where the man gets angry & drives very fast & like a complete idiot when we’ve argued in the car with the children plus my nephew in? Frightening all of us. Is it normal to feel like im walking on egg shells most of the time around him? Is it normal that im not allowed to be stressed or p****d off because then he starts getting angry yet its ok for him to be that way? Is it normal to be told he will kill himself & even brings back the rope he was going to supposedly hang himself with because i tried to leave about (detail removed by Moderator) ago? Yes i am now back with him because he was going to kill himself & made me feel guilty. I feel so confused sometimes yet i know in my heart of hearts i need to get out.

      Simbcatxxx

    • #32271
      lilaclady
      Participant

      Just had a call from him..We’ve been seeing a counsellor for (detail removed by Moderator) now. Which was I set up when I was trying to get things sorted, thinking he needed help. He does suffer from OCD, anxiety and depression (currently on meds for that) he was having sessions on his own and with me. The ones with me I thought were important as he minimises everything so I wanted to be there to point out that no we haven’t had a good weekend like he says.,But he gets super annoyed when I challenge him about things. Or sees me blaming him. Anyway he’s since been having some sessions on his own and just now he rang me at work saying I needed to book in with the counsellor on my own as she wants to hear my side and talk to me. And I just know he will have been saying it’s our marriage breaking down, I’m cold, I’ve changed, I’m not the same. And going on about how I don’t sleep in the same bed as him and he told me on the phone just now how she was SHOCKED that we don’t and he told her well we have a super king so she doesn’t need to be near me and she was shocked by that. And how I “don’t care” about the demise of our marriage. So there we go again…everything twisted…. it’s all me. No it’s NOTHING to do with his behaviour and the reason why our marriage is imploding is the years of him being a nasty sh*t when he feels like it. So I feel like I have gone back a million steps and it’s all being turned on me. I couldn’t even reply to him saying no this whole thing has come from YOU as I was at work, open plan office. He clearly wanted to go into stuff and I said let’s talk when we go home. So it will either be a horrible row with him annoyed at me, or he won’t talk.

      Thank you for all your comments and advice like Simbcat it makes me feel like I am not alone in this! And I definitely feel like I too need to get through Christmas and then off I go. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live with someone where my feelings of being hurt or upset aren’t validated….or when the whole thing is twisted and blamed on me. Not once have I EVER said the things he says to me to him. Yet of course it’s me causing the breakdown of our marriage.

    • #32369
      magicunicorn
      Participant

      funny, I get blamed for everything to. twist things when I bring things up about him and ends up being about me. I have also worked out that he makes things up like could be someone that he thinks I have slept with in the past, he pushes & pushes to the point where he shuts the bedroom door, pins me against the wall and is threatening to hit me. so I have to say I did things I honestly didn’t do to not get hit! its degrading, I hate it. then I get called a b***h. he goes on like I am where I am today because of him, and its not. i pay for everything that keeps the roof over our heads. i just feel like he eats, sleeps & has sex here and that’s it, yuk! thought makes me sick :(. i do feel so embarrassed, i also know when i leave he tell his family that i cheated on him, not that he has done anything wrong as that’s what he has done in the past. they don’t see how he really is with me, they only know what he wants them to know. would be great if us in hear could meet and stay with each other in a safe house, our story sound very similar. i have not experienced much in my (detail removed by Moderator) yrs of life but a lot of hurt and i would just like to start living a little, see different places meet normal human beings also help my daughters see there is a whole big world out there waiting to been seen not just a sad depressing home with a family that do nothing together. If i had a nice safe place in the country side to go to i would go tomorrow. i am really getting to a forget it and go point. i know this man is not going to change, its been (detail removed by Moderator) nearly.stay strong ladies, thinking of you xxxx

    • #32372
      SimbCat
      Participant

      Lilaclady & magicunicorn my husband also does this, he somehow always manages to turn things around & make it seem like it was my fault, and although i know deep down its not right & that it isnt my fault & its him with his anger issues, it somehow works & i just accept that maybe it is my fault, maybe if i behaved in a different way he wouldnt react the way he does or say the nasty things he does, its like ive been with him for (detail removed by Moderator) i should know by now how to behave around him so as to not trigger him, but i clearly dont as he still gets angry, so maybe it is my fault? I feel so confused sometimes, but i know its not healthy in a relationship to feel like u have to behave a certain way around ur partner & tread on egg shells so as to not trigger them, thats not normal, but when uv done it for so long its SO hard to realise that that isnt a normal relationship & u should never feel anxious or scared of the one who is supposed to love & protect u, even my children are used to him shouting all the time, its the norm to them & that makes feel so sad as well as incredibly guilty. He said to me just yesterday that hes sick of feeling like im judging him & looking at him like hes an ogre & if i didnt like the way he was to f**k off, its like hes aware he has a temper but doesnt really care enough to control it & uses circumstances or stresses in life as an excuse to be angry at me or in general, or its the reason hes hit me or pushed me in the past, theirs always an excuse. Lilaclady i can sympathise with u when u say u couldnt say the things to him that he says to u, yet its ‘all ur fault’ according to ur partner, i have never spoken to my husband the way hes spoken to me over the years & if i did god knows what he’d do! Magicunicorn wouldnt it be lovely to all get a big house & hide away there with the children, all together so we are not alone, i think after xmas when its time to escape keep the house in mind & think of all of us & all the support we give each other & that we are not alone, so when we are struggling we can go to that house in our heads & feel safe & have each other to talk to ๐Ÿ™‚ we need to support each other & keep talking, thank god for this site & womens aid!
      Simbcat x*x

    • #32384
      magicunicorn
      Participant

      aaaaaw I love the house in ours thoughts idea, it will keep me going ๐Ÿ™‚ its nice ( but not nice) to be able to talk to others who actually understand how these men work. the thing I always ask myself though is Why??? I have not done anything wrong to this man, I do everything I can to please him but yet he still manages to treat me like c**p. I always ask my self why and give myself head ache thinking about it. I also find it hard that he just carries on like nothing has happened or was said yet I feel absolutely shattered inside. how the hell can someone just switch it off like that. when I tried to explain how he makes me feel when he does what he does he told me, I make myself feel like that. its not him. I was just speechless after that. wish he just do the right thing and leave me & my girls in our home in peace, but there is no such hope. Simbcat keep intouch ๐Ÿ™‚

    • #32417
      lilaclady
      Participant

      I love this house in our thoughts idea! When things are hard or weird or confusing I am going to imagine that house and imagine you ladies there with me having a cup of tea and talking through things with each other. Having this forum as support is AMAZING. I have a few friends I talk to about stuff but he gets so angry that they know things. My sister knows but he doesn’t know she knows he would hate that. But having people who have gone through the same things as me is such a help. Some of the things you say resonate with me so much. Like saying that your partner Simbcat is sick of you looking at him like an ogre and judging him SAME THING HERE! He often says you just look at me like you hate me so much, and you always judge me. And when he’s really bad he will follow that up with a if you don’t like it then LEAVE! He told me yesterday how he had given me everything, think of all those clothes I buy you (he offered when we were on holiday and other clothes have been birthday christmas presents) I have given you such an amazing life nice house etc. I also find it hard that he carries on like nothing happened. This morning he was being all nice wanting to kiss me goodbye several times before he left, telling me I was lovely. SO CONFUSING. And then I think maybe it won’t happen again but you know what that next anger episode is just round the corner. I am trying to summon the strength to tell him its; over but just feels so final. Going to get christmas done and then see if I can do it next year. Please keep in touch ladies and look after yourselves x*x

    • #32447
      magicunicorn
      Participant

      My partner says I get everything, my money goes on my children and in my house. i need clothes but i don’t get them cause i have to pay to keep house over our heads. have to wonder what planet he is from sometimes. i have been watching some videos made by Dr. Denise Glassmoyer on you tube. Like she has met my partner. if you can and its safe for you to do so i really suggest giving them a watch. really helpful. stay strong my imaginary house friends xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • #32471
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Do you have a women’s organisation where you are? Do you have refuges?
      The best way to get out would be to pack the things you need secretly and disappear into a refuge on a day when he is not at home.
      You could also secretly look for a place to live and move out with the most necessary stuff when he is at work. You could go on sick leave for a few days to flee and sort the new place out.

      I did something similar when I ended my first marriage. I found a small place and kept that until I was able to leave. I secretly moved things to that place whilst he was not at home. He did not notice because we had a lot of things.
      One evening I did not return home from work.
      He called and was worried. I just answered that I would not come back, that he had lost me, that he had missed all the chances I had given him. He was shocked to the core and became very ill. I did not visit him in the hospital. I just went to our old place, which was actually mine and placed the divorce papers on the living room table for him to sign.
      That was my first marriage, by far not as dangerous as my second marriage.

    • #32482
      lilaclady
      Participant

      MagicUnicorn I was thinking about my imaginary house friends last night! I will definitely watch those videos you suggest. And I am reading a really good book by Lundy Bancroft should I stay or should I go. Really helpful in ways to get out, ways to keep myself strong. I am unsure of leaving him without telling him I really don’t think he would stop me….I would prefer to talk to him and let him know this is how I am feeling we need to work out what we are going to do… Currently feeling like getting christmas done and then doing it in the new year.

    • #32519
      magicunicorn
      Participant

      great stuff, I don’t think a day has gone by I haven’t thought about it ๐Ÿ™‚ I have got a friend at work to order one of her books but its “the why does he do that?” (I think) its going to her house for obvious reasons and then I can read it at work. I wish I could sit down and talk to my partner but I am so unsure of the out come I am not willing to take the chance. either way he would do his best to talk me round to trying yet again and I know I don’t want that. he just scares me into staying with him ๐Ÿ™ I love our imaginary house, the idea of having our safe haven and people around you that understand you is lovely. watching those videos has really helped me, made me not feel guilty for feeling the way I feel, really opened my eyes. talk soon my lovely, stay strong and keep surviving xxxxx

    • #32698
      lilaclady
      Participant

      I can so relate to this MU after my weekend. I did sit down and talk to him this weekend and it ended up him talking me into trying again and also scaring me into staying with him (as in leaving and having no money no home etc) it was awful. Today is a new day and I am realising more and more how this is never going to work and how it is going to keep going on and on in circles. Though saying that the day has been punctuated with huge feelings of sadness that my marriage is over. I can’t believe it. I am currently saying I can try with him but I have a time limit of January. I can’t keep doing this over and over again. Hope you’re staying strong too….we must all keep surviving! x*x

    • #32716
      magicunicorn
      Participant

      The fact that they talk us into trying again is exactly why I don’t want to sit down and talk to him about it anymore, as I know it will be the same thing. He say he was wrong and I should do this and that, he cries and then we make out and then carry on for few months until it starts to slip back again. I do believe if something is meant to be it will just work and not have to force things to work. To be honest I am starting to feel like he is pushing me away on purpose now. He starting doing things that he promised he would not do but he is almost like rubbing it in my face. He told me over the weekend I’m boring! I just laughed when he said it cause i thought “he cant talk”. when he eventually comes home he sits in the same spot every night on his phone, no conversation with me. when i try to talk to him its short answer. i try to get him involved in what me and the kids are doing, i even asked him to come xmas shopping today and the reply i get is ” i am not interested “. I feel we are at to different ends of a very long stick now and its just waiting to snap. I took a picture of him playing on his phone and sent it him, he was not to concerned and asked “why i do that”. i tried to show him that you have a nice family here to spend time with and you choose to do that. he say its his phone he do what he wants. so yes i give now. He accuses me of cheating alot and i am wondering now weather its because he is up to no good. sad thing is does not make feel sad or upset in anyway, just wish he leave. If i miss a call from him on my phone he gets really funny with me, yesterday on my way home from my mums i rang him three times as he didn’t answer ( i always ring when i leave mums to say i on my way home, also to see if he wants me to stop by the garage first) he messaged me and put ” whats up” i rang him again, he answer and had ago at me for keep ringing him and hung up on me. When i got home i went in, he was home. Sitting there in his phone again. if i missed 3 calls on my phone from him i would have about 6 txt messages and 2 voice messages. ๐Ÿ™ i am really fed up ladies but trying to not let that stick snap, i am holding on until after xmas. i have also come to terms with i may have to say goodbye to my house that i love. but it will be less hurt and stress to leave it behind then to come back. ๐Ÿ™ thinking of you. stay strong ๐Ÿ˜€ XXXX

    • #32798
      lilaclady
      Participant

      Thinking of you too magic unicorn! The phone thing really resonated with me. My partner sits on his phone for HOURS and HOURS. I’ve also got told that I am boring or our life is so boring with our son. I too have to come to terms I am losing my home also, and am also holding on till after Christmas. But we can do this….I feel like although I am so heartbroken over this but the thought of having a new calm peaceful life…I want that. I really do. Hope you’re ok x*x

    • #32861
      magicunicorn
      Participant

      you and me both hun. I would just like to think for myself and feel its ok for me to have friends, at the moment he tells me everyone is using me or im cheating on him with them. Its just silly now. I try to make things more interesting as I feel life me life is dwindling away and I haven’t experienced anything really. He just always says he don’t want to, says no to everything, I have tried I really have but I cant do anything more for this person and get absolutely nothing back. im trying not to go mad with xmas presents this year as its more stuff that will need moving or losing. My partner was working nights, he gave up nights to allow me to step up at work now the courses are here he wont have the girls and my family are to far away for me to get help with child care, I am so gutted and its the first time I have really enjoyed what I do at work and I was really looking forward to bettering myself. this is not the first time this has happened, I have quiet a number of jobs because of this man, I wont be doing it this time. I will get my chance again im sure ๐Ÿ™‚ always think of your peaceful life hun, keep holding on to that as that’s what keeps me going. x*x

    • #32955
      lilaclady
      Participant

      Please don’t let this stop your work! It’s just so awful he’s doing this. Mine is the same says he has no problem with me working and then makes it impossible and I LOVE my job. I just say to myself no I am not going to think the way of, maybe I should do something else, or take jobs that don’t impact on him. But that’s impossible. I have a difficult few weeks ahead where I am working long days and a few nights away from home and all I think when I panic about what he is going to say is TOUGH this is the way it is and I know other partners out there would be fine with this. It’s not on. I feel the same as you I can’t give anymore to this person when it all gets thrown in my face. He was struggling with (detail removed by moderator)ย and I was upset with myself as instead of being caring about it and helping him out I just didn’t care. He’s made me so cold to him. I did help him but he always treats me like servant when he isn’t well. And this morning he told me I was being so uncaring towards him. I was. I don’t want to be that person! It’s not me!

      THINK OF THE PEACEFUL LIFE we can do this! xxxx

    • #32971
      magicunicorn
      Participant

      well i am defo not going to stop working, i can only imagine what that would do to me. when i get asked to do things at work i get rather panicky cause my brain is thinking fast what is he doing, will he mind, i cant ask him to go out of his way to do something for me so how cant i do this in a way it don’t effect him. example: i left for work, got in car phone rang ( it was work) i put it on loud speaker and drove off to head to my usual (removed by moderator). they asked if i would go to a different (removed by moderator). so i rang him just to let him know where i was going to be. He had such ago at me it was unreal and in front of the children aswell, as they were with him. (Detail removed by moderator). i really wanted to say “that’s it i’m done” but because my girls were home with him i couldn’t say it. the conversation ended up in him accusing me of cheating and me saying sorry i wont do it again. i was so upset and cried all the way to work. i was angry, shocked and really hurting. i really wish my girls was with me that day cause i wouldn’t of returned home. i am just getting tired now. i find i to am resenting him, starting to have no sympathy for him. if he is ill i honestly don’t care, i think that’s only a small fraction of what u deserve, its hard to be caring towards someone that treats you the way we are treated. its shocking to me that they actually think you would want to be caring towards them a. ๐Ÿ™ xxxx

    • #33086
      lilaclady
      Participant

      Feel the same magic unicorn so tired of it! I get accused of cheating all the time too. He’s said many a time that he thinks I am having an affair because of my “behaviour”. Yet the reason I am shutting down on him is because of his abuse!! He’s away this week which so far I’m only one day in has been amazing. I didn’t have that panic when I was leaving work about getting home late. I managed to go out with some friends after work and again didn’t have him making that hard or being weird. Just went out after work. Now waking up no sick feeling just a feeling of lightness that he isn’t here! And have the whole weekend to just hang out with my son and have a nice time. And this is what it could be like on my own! Not quite sure how I am going to deal with him coming back but I am making the most of this time!! Reading my lundy Bancroft book making plans… I’m so not there with the leaving yet it just feels so massive but that’s not stopping me making plans. Hope you’re ok magic unicorn message me if you fancy it we are all in this together! X*x

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