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    • #136944
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi, everyone.

      I left my multi-year relationship (detail removed by moderator), and I still feel like I’m in the FOG. I don’t feel like I’m over him at all and I am in this cycle of considering going back and then rejecting the idea. This is also partly because I got into a new relationship, and I wanted to move on and make it work, but the chaotic aftermath of my breakup is not allowing this. I feel really bad just to have dragged someone else into my problems and to have hurt them maybe irreparably because of this. Like I myself have become the problem. Of course, I have not at least consciously abused the new partner, but it has been on and off, and the lingering feelings and presence of my abusive ex has caused a lot of hurt and insecurity.
      I don’t feel like I can actually move on. I have thought many times that it’s easier just to go back. I ended up going no contact and blocking my ex for a bit (detail removed by moderator), but the pain was so immense that I got in touch with him again, though this was motivated also by his family.

      While I had wanted to go back to him initially, I feel like I am a bit in limbo now, like I’m remembering all the bad things again. I feel so frustrated with myself because I am stuck, and it’s already been so long since we broke up! I end up feeling really guilty for enabling this dynamic. And I am not even sure things could be better if we did get together again? He seems very motivated, but there are certain things that make me wonder sometimes, and I can’t get out of this analytical mode.

      For context, the abuse in the relationship consisted of:
      – extreme jealousy and control, where he saw potential competition in every guy I interacted with. He even made me (detail removed by moderator)… Even if I liked a photo from someone on social media (not even a photo where they showed up), it could lead to an argument.
      – verbal abuse, with name-calling during fights. He would be very supportive out of them though. It was like two different people. I asked him not to name-call and to have a different form of arguing, and he said that if I hurt him, he hurts me back.
      – manipulation and gaslighting, with him saying I was irrational in arguments if I brought something up. Saying also that we only have each other.
      – isolation, with him nitpicking on my family and friends, saying they wanted to split us up or calling everyone envious.
      – throwing stuff around, though this was never directly my stuff. His cellphone, bag, a plastic bottle, plate… He never threw anything in my direction though.
      – raging in/invading my space when arguing
      – small physical violence, with one push and one hit in the back of the head.
      – … maybe more that I can’t categorise or don’t remember.

      Abuse after the breakup:
      – stalking, with a lot of pressure with texts and phone calls, making me feel guilty because he was anxious and I could ease his anxiety by replying. Also checked my social media and that of the person I dated, to know when we were online. I also came to know recently that he looked inside my house at least once.
      – controlling, wanting to know who I was hanging out with.
      – manipulation and suicide threats, especially one time when, in my house, he gave me an ultimatum to return to the relationship or he would only “leave” like that. Luckily things were resolved another way.

      I know that he has at least had emotionally violent arguments with his mom, namely a few months ago, that nearly led to her calling the police.

      So, I know after this list you are probably convinced of the abuse and that I shouldn’t go back… But I am still unsure! I don’t know if I am crazy. I feel like me distancing myself from him in that push-pull dynamic has made him even more unstable and I feel really guilty for it, especially when all he wanted was for us to be together again. He has always been there for me, and I know I rely on him often for emotional support too. (detail removed by moderator) I’m confused.

      Thank you!

    • #136950
      Weemebreeze
      Participant

      Please don’t go back, read your list of abuse over again and think about how he made you feel. They never improve, it always gets worse. You’ve done so well to create space and I know it’s extremely difficult but zero contact and run for the hills…❤️

    • #136952
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Ariane, it is so hard… that pull….
      What would your cycle be, if you did go back?

      I have a trauma bond with my husband, it was built up over decades and I feel that pull often, I feel so unhappy but then I really imagine what it would be like if we got back together
      1. Mine would be loving,.caring, happy, attentive, would really love, for ages, months and months of being loved, cared for, conversations, eating out, laughter (oh god I miss laughing)

      2. Then mine would start to become a bit harassed, emotionally detached, he would want sex and expect sex whenever he wanted it or make me feel worthless if I didn’t. Gaslighting would start again (if I ever mentioned something he had done or was doing that was upsetting/scaring me or, if I was annoyed about something he had done he’d say I had twisted his words, got it wrong or he would tell me that I should know he gets his words wrong as he meant XYZ)

      3. Mine would then become aggressive,.secretive, completely emotionally detached,I would be doing everything at home, he would have financial control over again but, it would be worse this time, he would make my life hell.

      If you went back to your partner, what would be the cycle?

      I really hope that you don’t go back ❤❤

    • #136962
      Grey Rock
      Participant

      Honestly you could easily have been describing my own relationship with my ex. Moving on is hard and I couldn’t have done it without a few things.

      1) going no contact and staying that way. I too did end up back in contact for a time. During thus time I was all over the place again. He swung from apologetic and remorseful to abusive, sometimes ten times in a half hour conversation. He ended up making threats about photos that I was fairly sure didn’t exist and I was so angry that gave me the strength to get back to no contact.

      2) a restraining order was put in place due to his stalking and harassment (direct and through others) after we split up.

      3) support from Women’s Aid (the counseling from staff there plus this forum)

      4) the Freedom Program

      5) (YouTube reference removed by moderator) videos which helped me understand the cycle of abuse better

      6) accepting that healing takes time

      Maybe you aren’t healed enough yet to move on to another relationship. But it sounds like you know what would be in store if you go back. And it tends to be worse and more quickly each time we return.

      Please keep reading and posting on here and give your yourself more time to heal.

      GR

    • #136967
      Goldenretrieveher
      Participant

      Please please don’t go back. Everything that you have described will only escalate.
      Do the Freedom programme, more than once if need be …. £12 to do it online and you can keep assessing as many times as needed for that one payment.
      Keep safe, keep strong, none of what you describe are the actions of a ‘loving partner’, we get so lost in the abuse it is hard to see the wood for the trees and that is how they want to keep us … in the fog.
      Sending you virtual hugs
      🤗x*x

    • #137010
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hi, everyone. Thank you so much for the replies!
      It feels great to be able to talk about this and get understanding and support.

      I have only heard about the Freedom programme recently, but I think I’ll be able to join some sessions soon.
      Also, I have been on a deep dive of Youtube videos about this (though I have been as well when the relationship ended), and I feel myself getting stronger with each one. Sometimes I feel like they are not very nuanced though, and I think that’s a result from also this gaslighting or mental gymnastics that we do to try to justify things.

      I actually met up with him recently in person, with very clear boundaries set for that (e.g. public place), and I was surprised by how detached I felt… It makes me feel uncomfortable too, like I want to compensate for that somehow.

      I guess I want to rush this recovery/resolution as much as possible because I’m so mentally exhausted, and it does feel very despairing and lonely. But I’ll try to take it one day at a time.

      Thank you again, lovelies!

    • #137524
      Ariadne
      Participant

      Hello ladies

      I was thinking back to this post today because sometimes I can’t quite believe I have been abused, or that I belong in this group. I watch/read/hear about such terrible experiences everywhere that it just seems that I’m looking back and exaggerating my own. Like maybe I’m too stuck on moments and things, but that overall it was a good relationship.
      And it’s also funny, because in my list I forgot the financial abuse aspect, where I supported him for quite a while, often coerced to because he could be so intimidating and entitled about it.

      I guess I’m just wondering where I fit in all this, and just wanted to share these thoughts.

      Thank you for all your replies <3

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