this I diificult

[betterdays]

To speak about but here goes. When I first met him I were his first real relationship. He had just had 2 one night stands before me. In first 2 weeks he were telling me about what sexual position one of them had done. Then he said come back then her name to me….. sorry if u all think this is pathetic but I’m recapping very hurtful x

[Serenity]

Hi Better Days,

What is happening is that all these incidents you’d pushed to the back of your mind are coming to the fore.

I think it’s our memory’s way of dealing with things.

When we are in the abusive situation, we are using all our energy to survive, and then when we are out of it ( when we realise who they really are) memories come back of early incidents of abuse.

But they only come back bit by bit. I think it’s nature’s way of protecting us. To remember everything at once would be too overwhelming. Our memory has many layers; it’s like peeling an onion.

This incident is definite, sly, cunning emotional and mental abuse, designed to hurt you, and done in a way to make you question what he meant and whether you understood him correctly. If you’d have challenged him about it at the time, he would have said you misunderstood him, didn’t hear him correctly, or that he was only joking, or that you were exaggerating or being over- sensitive ( gas lighting).

I too can recall incidents of subtle and covert, wily abuse from the early days. We don’t believe that they can mean to be abusive at the time, because at the same time, they have made us such promises.

But their abusive tendencies were always there. Think of this incident only as added proof of who he really is- even though he is trying to blame you for everything now. Incidents like that show you the real monster beneath.

[Serenity]

PS One thing that abusers seem to also gave in common is to cheapen sex by talking about it in such a disrespectful way. He was not only being very unkind to you- he was also showing that other woman zero respect too.

Another bit of evidence that these abusers disrespect women in general.

[Serenity]

PPS it might offer you a bit of comfort in that the problem then is not you, it’s his view and treatment of women in general x

[Serenity]

They are sociopaths: they like to hurt people.

[Author]

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