this is going to be a long night

[Anonymous]

the last few weeks have been pretty rough.there have been good bits (now i realise that i facilitated/paid for/worked for those myself though)but im on eggshells and im completely broke because ive helped him with a few of his expenses (mostly avoidable and i realise im ridiculous for doing this because hes a grown man but im caught in a pattern that makes me feel completely responsible for his well being.) I find myself sitting here alone while he goes out without inviting me after making food, pandering to him and being on eggshells for days. i have even watched the softness of my voice. i feel like i cant tell him how i feel any more. when we met he was so gentle and gracious. now he blames me for anything that goes wrong in his life and seems to have forgotten his promises since we got back together. without being specific a few weeks ago he woke me in the middle of the night, before an important day to berate me until i burst in to tears then wanted to have sex.theres never been an apology or acknowledgement and it left me really shocked. i feel like im on the cusp of some sort of punishment all the time. but whenever i focus on the upset or the bad treatment i find myself sympathising with him and feeling selfish. its affecting my time/friendships/ money and ive always felt lucky to have very good mental health but i dont trust or recognise my own emotions at all at the moment. tonight i cant go out because i have no money left and i feel like hes out having fun…probably with one of the women he cheated with in the past. it all feels so pathetic. i dont know why im putting up with it. just venting i guess. i dont feel i can talk to anyone. hope you are all alright and safe x

[Bananaboat]

Big hugs, you’re very brave for letting all this out. As awful as you feel right now, this is a good step – you’ve recognised he’s breaching your boundaries and is disrespecting you. Realising I’d spent all my savings, all my wages, was struggling to pay the bills and couldn’t afford to treat my kids whilst he was drinking, taking drugs and moaning about how awful his life/I was, was a major moment for me in the journey to leaving.

You’re spot on that you’re trapped in a pattern right now but it can change – my advice is to educate yourself, learn about the cycle of abuse, cognitive dissonance, trauma bonding, our bodies chemical reactions, etc etc and this will help you a) see his behaviour for what it is, b) help you realise you’re not to blame and c) help towards a new life. Someone on here told me to visualise what I’d like my life to be like this time next year, next Christmas, next big birthday, whatever it might be. This helped me recognise I was dreading all these things and like you, couldn’t believe how bad it was and slowly but surely I needed to change. Everyone’s journey to getting out is different but believe me when I say he won’t change, you will suffer further financially, emotionally and mentally if you just ‘cope’ and stay, you’ll slowly die inside and he won’t care. You deserve to be happy xx

[Bananaboat]

I also realised I’d wasted so many hours and tears whilst at home alone, on a man who was putting his needs above everything. You can’t change things tonight. Use the time to learn about abuse rather than worrying where/ who he’s with xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Pris

I am sorry, this is so sad what his behaviour is doing to you. You don’t have to live this way, and you do have support and always a listening ear here for you.

It is shocking, yes, and it takes time to shake off the shock and awe of it all to see what you want.

Its the best thing to be able to vent, especially when you know its safe to. You are worth so much more than the scraps he throws you if you’re lucky.

This is not a ‘relationship’. In a relationship you can express yourself, and if the other hears you are distressed for any reason that would distress them also and trigger a want to work together to make it better for both.

Would it take much to extricate yourself financially?

Ask all you need here, and get all the supportyou can wherever you can find it to build your strength and belief in yourself to have better for you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Anonymous]

thankyou both so much for replying. i think visualising and trying to focus on some sort of alternative future is a really good idea. im quite ambitious and this relationship is affecting that. i really appreciate having this place to talk. if i express the smallest problem or even have an unenthusiastic tone he exaggerates wildly and behaves like ive said something hugely unreasonable or insulting. i feel humiliated that ive let this happen. i cling to his good side, which really is good. i kind of separate the cruel bits from the person i love but im realising how dysfunctional that is. hes hurt me physically and mentally an only apologises angrily when i look like ive hit a limit.his actions show he doesnt care. when we got back together he made promises and said things that show he is capable of understanding his impact and knowing what ive sacrificed for him but it was all just words.when we split i literally felt ill for months. i was so worried about him and continued to help him. i have a health history that means he genuinely should worry about me but i never get askde if im ok.its lonely. i havent heard from him and tomorrow im determined to do things differently.id usually suppress my hurt and check if hes ok. be glad when he shows up.tomorrow im going to get a lift out of town and hang with a friend,switch my phone up and try not to interact emotionally.its weird that silent treatment feels way more hurtful than sexual violation, physical threat or financial loss but god it really sucks. financially im not legally tied to him. we dont live together anymore and have no kids together so im more fortunate than many but mentally im completely bound.i love him but i cant let myself shrink into this weird sad, small person. anyway, i really am grateful for your input and perspective. i hope youre both safe and wellxx

[Twisted Sister]

This sounds so positive Pris!

Keep strong, and block him out of your future. It can be so hard to break away from abuse, because of the pain you speak of, but it does get easier, and if you can just focus on you, what you need to get through each day you will get there.

Like you said, you didn’t matter to him when you have been hurting most, so no matter how ‘nice’ he can be when it counts he’s not been there for you, you deserve better than that.

warmest wishes

ts

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