Thoughts I had from counselling

[midnightshadow]

I don’t post very often but I really do appreciate a all the advice and responses given on here. Including those posting about themselves. I feel like i have so much more clarity on what I went through. It has taken a long time to get here.

I Recently have been going through CBT and discussing some situations that left me feeling guilty where I defended myself or tried to protect my child. I was wondering how common it is for people who are abused to defend themselves at some stage in that relationship. I always thought for some reason that i was just as bad as him. He did help in convincing myself. I still feel guilt. I thought it would be uncommon but perhaps i have been to harsh on myself for those moments where i was beyond frightened. There were three times in (removed by moderator)years I fought back but not with the intent to hurt or anger but out of fear and trying to escape.

[KIP.]

Remember abusers like to push us to do things just so they can use them against us and they use guilt as a very good tool for this. I slapped my ex twice and what he did to provoke that was horrendous and as you say it was out of fear and desperation when pushed to the edge. Ad out of character. It wasn’t premeditated. Do not carry the guilt for this because then he won’t have to x

[midnightshadow]

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense! He did get into my head so much saying we are as bad as each other and calling me so many names I think I got to a point I did believe them. So I stayed when I should have been thinking that it wasn’t okay. I think I have carried that with me ever since.
I need to try and think of how I have been with (removed by moderator) men since and I haven’t done anything like that because I wasn’t in a toxic situation x

[Anonymous]

Thank you for sharing midnightshadow. It is really hard to find UK statistics on this. I found some international stats from a woman’s health survey 2016 that reported 71% of their respondents fought back at least once.
I also struggle with guilt over some of my rare and out of character behaviour in the face of extreme provocation/fear/violence. Thinking I was just as bad as my abuser made me feel unworthy of help for a long time and played perfectly into the narrative of my abuser.
I’m therefore really grateful to you for posting this post and starting this discussion.
I’m sorry if this reply is too long or not helpful I just wanted to say thank you and share a little back from my experience.
Thank you again and best wishes xx

[midnightshadow]

That’s really helpful to hear! Thank you! It is something I had found really hard to get over years down the line. But I guess a way that really helped see it, which my counsellor said to me, is if it was your friend who did that in the same situation? With a violent man attacking them? Would you feel any less towards them? And I know I would never behave that way if I wasn’t being attacked in the first place. Working towards healing. Best wishes to you xx And thank you again

[Scapegoat]

Hi midnightshadow ( lovely name) I totally get what you are saying. I was all meek and would just hide way and cry for years, waiting for a moment when he would finally speak to me again. But after years of this ( emotional and physical) I fought back as I did become really angry and was an emotional wreck.I would feel guilty for standing up for myself and he would use it to his advantage every time.
He would slap, punch, kick, poke, prod, push, grab me round throat but the minute I pushed away and then eventually slapped him back he would go on for weeks about it.
In the same breath I don’t think it’s helpful to retaliate either as I’ve found it just makes me feel worse and even more guilty. It’s one of those things that goes round and round in my head.

[Author]

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