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    • #147571

      I’m not really sure if I should be here. I’ve been with my partner (detail removed by Moderator) years and he’s always been highly strung. I guess I just figured he was a hot head. My living situation pretty much consists of peace making to keep things level for the children. I read others accounts and I feel my situation is very minor. There’s no violence, no name calling or outwardly controlling behaviour. However my partner massively down plays my emotions, in a conversation my opinion is never valid or can never be right.he has pretty much told me to shut up infront of the children frequently. I am told I don’t earn enough, I need to get a better job and then any savings he has are for him and I have to find my own way. Every month everything I earn is spent on food, bills and he always complains he has no money, yet the moneys appears when he wants to buy a new car, PS5 or something he wants. I feel my relationship is unequal, I tip toe around his feelings so as not to rock the boat.
      He will lecture/get on at the children for things but then do the same, it’s hypocritical.
      We never ever know what mood to expect, good days are good but bad days is a constant stream of negativity and being spoken to like a child.
      I’m Suffering with anxiety and feel so on edge, my eldest daughter is depressed and stays in her room and my youngest says she hates him because he’s mean. When I try and address this he says why is he always the bad guy, that he can’t do anything right.
      I’m currently stuck and don’t know if what I’m experiencing is abuse. Please help x

    • #147640
      Main Moderator

      Hi Findingnemo,

      Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. Psychological abuse and coercive control can be very subtle so is difficult to pinpoint, explain and recognise as abuse. It certainly sounds like there are some red flags in your relationship- the way he communicates with you, the financial side, the good and bad days and the way he is making you and your children feel; all of these are signs of abusive behaviour.

      In general your instincts are right; if a relationship is making you feel anxious and having to tiptoe around, always trying to placate and trying to keep the peace then it does sound concerning. Women tend to minimise and normalise abusive behaviour as a way of coping. I imagine there is more you could tell us if you went back.

      I think it would be helpful for you to talk it through in more detail, so perhaps you could try using our Live Chat to talk to a Women’s Aid support worker in confidence about your situation. They will not tell you what to do but they can give support, practical information, and discuss with you any options that are available based on your specific circumstances. They can talk about the dynamics of an abusive relationship and hopefully should be able to provide more clarity for you.

      Keep posting whenever you’d like to,


    • #147655

      this relationship sounds toxic especially the financial side I’ve also lived this nothing was equal it was my money and your money even though I looked after kids and payed bills soley.it’s unfair I started asking bills to split but that still is unfair when someone works full time and you don’t they are the main breadwinner I got nothing absolutely nothing from the relationship all his money went on a double life he had on other family and I and my children were left .he worked full me part t or not at all it’s unfair.if I was you I’d leave they don’t care about your feelings if you brought it up they just want to use you not worth it I left im still adjusting but feel relieved I don’t walk on eggshells shells wondering when he’ll kick off next

    • #147670
      Twisted Sister

      Hello Findingnemo

      being on eggshells as you are, not knowing what mood he’ll be in and the huge impact that has on you all, being continually shut down so you are made to feel your views are irrelevant, are all powerplays. Power and control is abuse.

      Women who are abused, no matter how, will very commonly feel that others suffer worse, and thats not specific to the type of abuse, not from what I’ve seen. There is a much confusion between those that are verbally, emotionally, financially or physically abused, equally. Noone seems to feel that they deserve refuge places, because their abuse ‘isn’t bad enough, and another woman that needs it should have it’. I know that might be hard to see, as when you read posts here, you feel that way, but others feel that way too, because women in abuse normalise their own abuse, but can see others for what it is.

      What matters is how it makes you feel deep inside, scared to poke the sleeping dragon. Your children depressed, and calling him mean. He has control of the money doesn’t he, you don’t. He has control of the conversation doesn’t he, and a hypocritical control of the children’s actions, which they don’t respect because of it.

      Please don’t minimise his behaviours as its clear the effects on you all.

      Welcome to the community here, and I hope it has helped you to post about your situation, its a huge very positive first step to shining the light on your situation and taking action to change, to hope for better, to realising the extent of whats been happening upon you all.

      warmest wishes


    • #147692

      Thank you so much for your replies. It is really appreciated. I think your totally right that I down play the situation and it is so easy on the better days to forget how bad things have been. I’ve spent so many years just waiting for things to improve or thinking I just need to be accepting of others faults, it never dawned on me that this is abuse. Even those words feel strange as I’m like ‘am I being over the top’ or ‘is it all in my head’.
      This all feels so scary, I always felt that I didn’t need anybody but the thought of being alone terrifies me. I’ve also felt for so many years that I don’t deserve better.
      I guilt I feel is strange, I don’t wanna be the bad guy, that hurts someone by walking away. However this makes no sense as everyday I stay it hurts me and the children 😔
      Never ever did I see myself in this situation.
      I made a huge step yesterday and sought help face to face. I’m just praying I keep this strength!

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