Threats after leaving

[elmar]

About a week ago, I broke up with my abusive boyfriend. He seemed to accept it in the moment, but has since been texting me a lot and yesterday he told me ever since we broke up he’s tried to kill himself (detail removed by Moderator) and to meet him to talk and reconsider. While I know this may be a manipulation tactic, I still agreed to meet him…
Im so scared he’ll actually kill himself and I feel so much guilt for leaving him alone. That plus I also miss him so much despite the abuse and im desperate to be with him.
I know I can’t go back to him but I’m scared I might

[Breadandroses]

Yes the threats of suicide are part of it.. the leaving.

I asked my husband for a divorce and immediately the next day went away to my parents who lived a long distance away. I thought that break would make it final I had tried before and asked him to leave/ look for a place while I was away andvthen i would return.I really thought I was in control of the situation.

I had him first with text threats and then my (removed by moderator) saying they were worried about him and how upset he was texting me. He asked me how I could let that happen to our child. It would be my fault…then he followed me (removed by moderator)…where he was charm personified and anything but an emotional wreck and convinced my family he was the one trying to work it through and he loved me eyc etc…they fell for it.

As soon as we were on our own it was the usual…absolute instructions from him. You ARE coming back with me..you will pack your bags now…you will stop being so spoilt and difficult…you are going to do x,y,z you will go and (removed by moderator)…even your family can see..

I will not pretend I didn’t lie there at night thinking what if he does do it..it will be my fault but he didn’t

And I wish I had just texted him back go to the doctor then..YOU need help. But I didn’t.

It is so hard and it is a terrible thing to have that texted to you. I went from feeling in control to panicked and stressed and feeling trapped and such a b**** and at fault immediately.

Take care of yourself xx

[elmar]

Thank you so much for your response.
I see myself in what you’re saying a lot, and felt the same when I first left, in control and like there was no way he could reel me back in. He started texting me that and told me to please at least meet him to talk and I’m ashamed to say (detail removed by moderator) we did meet. We didn’t exactly get back together, but we did things we used to do when we were in a relationship and he asked to meet me again during the week and I agreed to it.
My mom found out about it and confronted me and I could see the disappointment and tiredness in her face, and I feel like a terrible daughter. I tried to explain things to her but she told me she didn’t want to hear me try to justify my actions anymore and I understand her. I just feel terrible and guilty for having met up with him and for knowing that I’m gonna do it again. I feel like I’m wasting my life on this and I don’t know why I’m not just strong enough to get out of the situation.

[tryingtosleep]

Hi elmar

I’m sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult and stressful situation.

Threatening to kill himself is a very common abuse technique.

As you said – he wants you to feel guilty because he wants to manipulate you.

You said he is texting you a lot – this could also be seen as harassment.

Obviously it is up to you but you said you broke up with him.
I don’t know but are you sure this isn’t trauma bond?

It must be very hard to think straight while all this is going on but try to put yourself first. Talk with DV support services.

It took me a long time to realise that this kind of behaviour is abusive because I just always wanted to help him. But in the end I have come to realise that only he is the one who can fix himself. It’s a hard lesson to learn.
Xx

[elmar]

Thank you so much for your response, tryingtosleep.
I have been reading about trauma bonds and I do think this could be what is going on. And I also know what you’re saying is right, only he can fix himself, so I don’t know why I find it so difficult to just stick to that idea and stop letting him in. I feel so trapped in the situation and so guilty for dragging my loved ones into this.

[Breadandroses]

Hi
You are not dragging you loved ones in. They want to be there for you. They love you and it is hard for them to see you go through this. They do not know either how to work through this. Trying to explain is so hard. My mother shouted at me when I went straight into an abusive relationship when I left my husband and a friend of mine called them when I was hit. They are confused too.
For done reason it is easier to walk away from them.
Eventually I used to phone my mum and read out every text I got and she would listen to my reply and usually persuade me to not send it for a couple of hours or a day. Then I would phone her again and usually I would say. I don’t need to send this do I?. I don’t know how we got there but we did and her hearing the texts and the frequency of them…she started to understand.
Anyway you can let the people who love you in.
Take care lovely.

[tryingtosleep]

You are not a terrible daughter but you are in a difficult situation.

It takes a lot of time and strength to pull yourself away. Even when I split from mine I was linked emotionally to him for a long time. And the guilt is still there….

You need to break away from him for your own sanity but it’s not easy to do. Especially as he knows exactly how to manipulate you.

Don’t be too hard on yourself.

I got told so many times to block him but it was too hard to do. You can’t understand that pull unless you’ve actually been there….

Hope this makes sense…
I just wanted to say that we’ve all been there….

X*x

[elmar]

Thank you both so much for your responses, your support means a lot to me
xx

[Eyeswideopen]

So sorry to read this and see how often they use the suicide card… mine did too, didnt eat for (detail removed by Moderator), then left for one night and went (detail removed by Moderator)(even if he had money to go to a hotel) just to feel sorry for him… cried, begged for second chances, then when that didnt work started to get physically aggressive and violent. All in front of kids too.
They will try all strategies to keep in control and torture us emotionally.
So many times I thought of giving up, like I made this mistake when younger, didnt spot his red flags, and now that’d be my destiny, could never be free again.
I’m now in a better place after nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years of struggles and I wish I could tell myself back then it’d all work out, give me some reassurance when I was at rock bottom…
Every story is different but keep an eye on the prize. Make plans, seek information, support, strategize for each step.
It feels overwhelming but if you list out all you have to overcome and focus on one thing at a time, it worked for me.
Good luck x*x

[elmar]

I’m so sorry you went through that, and thank you so much for sharing your story and your support xx

[StrongLife]

I got a different variety of threats, email, txts, continuing years later. One by one I ignored, blocked etc. Finally he left me alone after a long long time.

I got all types of threats via all methods of communication. Please speak to hotline or counselling for specific domestic violence help on dealing with threats, contact and safety after leaving.

[Eyeswideopen]

@stronglife did you ever report him to the police? Got non mol? Or just persevered in ignoring him?

[StrongLife]

I received many threats, stalking, calls years later. I ended up ignoring all his attempts (including manipulating of my friends).

I relocated and gave had no contact in some years now.

[Author]

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