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So I’m new to here, in the process of getting away from the man that has made my life a living misery for a long time. He has issues with drugs and alcohol but that isn’t an excuse for his behaviour, he’s verbally abusive with or without alcohol etc. Ive managed to switch off from him emotionally a long time ago, now it’s survival mode.
He usually goes out all weekend (detail removed by Moderator) drinking heavy and I don’t usually see him, which is a blessing because I don’t want that around my children. (detail removed by Moderator) I heard a knock around (detail removed by Moderator) am but didn’t answer, the knocking was getting louder and I heard 2 loud kicks then nothing. It would of been him but I refuse to open the door if I know he’s been drinking heavy.
(detail removed by Moderator) I recieved a few drunken texts and I knew he wasn’t happy about ‘being ignored’. I didn’t reply. So, (detail removed by Moderator) I hear him knocking on the door, I didn’t answer, then (detail removed by Moderator) later he smashes the (detail removed by Moderator) window and let’s himself in!! I’m in complete shock, my body feels like jelly. I don’t know why but I automatically started cleaning the glass up like this is normal. My Daughters were with me. I know in my mind I need to call the police, but I don’t want police etc around them. I wasn’t brought up like this and don’t want it for them. It feels so unfair.
I keep willing the time to come so we can move but I still feel that even with a molestation order it wouldn’t keep him away. I feel trapped. I don’t usually cry as I have become numb but I’m sat in the garden while my daughters are playing and I’m sobbing as I’m writing this. He is upstairs in my Daughters bed where he sleeps. His response to not opening the door was I’ve had a little warning and my days are numbered if I carry on. He told me one day he’s going to beat me like an animal if I keep pushing him. I stay quiet then he asks where his Sunday dinner is! This is my life.
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You need to call the police asap. This has to stop. You need to make it stop. Because one of these days he’s going to make good on his promise and might even hurt the children as well on purpose or by accident. You can’t keep sticking your head in the sand, sweetheart and cowering in the closet. It will escalate.
This is horrendous abuse and he’s violent. Not okay. No more of you cleaning up the glass and wondering when the next incident is going to happen. Please use Chat with the WA here. You absolutely need some advice as how to go about things. Last time I checked slavery was abolished a while back sooo, you have rights here and so do your children have rights and what’s happening now actually “is” child abuse. Anytime there is threatening behavior like this around children – it’s abuse. You guys are not safe.
Whatever you need from us, just ask. Start here – https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
And absolutely call the police the very next time he does anything abusive. Put your cell phone in your pocket and push “record” when he’s acting this way. Prolly not admissable in court but he would be on tape for the police nonetheless. Just don’t let him see you do it. But you have to get you and your children out of this situation and you can’t say – I’m scared to do that because afraid of what he will do… because thing is – he’s already doing something here that you should be very afraid of so you just have to protect yourselves. Living in constant fear and dread is no way to live. Hiding in the closet isn’t a life. Big hugs to you and please let me know you reached out for help. You need to do that Asap.
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Braelynn, I have recorded once or twice before. He made a threat to kill and you could hear him throwing things and banging in his room. He’s very careful though usually and often asks me if I’m recording him when he’s going on a rant about how awful I am. He has said before that if he hits me he’s sure I’ll call the police and he’ll be going to prison, so he is in control of his behavior. It’s just a choice he chooses but he’s very clever with it. If he did attack me I wouldn’t stand a chance, he’s a very big man. Lib
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I started taking steps along time ago and I’m almost there. Usually I don’t see him over the weekend, and in the week me and my girls are usually in bed by the time he finishes work. It’s the odd moan about dinner not being right, have I washed this have I done that. At first I thought he was just lazy and that’s why he refused to do the gardening and decorating etc. His weekends out were more important, it was almost as though the promise of a family life and home life was gone out of the window, it’s been hard, but I’ve raised my children alone and ran my household alone.
Then there was occasions he would come home after a night out and demand I order him a takeaway, if I told him no as if was 2am and everywhere was closed he would smash a bed lamp or picture frame and kick the bed until he finally fell to sleep. The next day he’d act oblivious to it and tell me I’d over reacted. Then there would be the times he’d come back and ask where his meal was at 2am, when there wasn’t any made he would open packers of crisps,pastas, gravy out of the cupboard and throw it all over the floor. Anything that made a mess. I’d have to clean it up before my children woke up.
He tells me if he kicks a door or wall then it saves me from being hit, like he’s doing me favour. There has been occasions where he has picked, scratched and kicked when we shared a bed, this was when he was drunk. This is why I stopped opening the door but if he’s angry then he’ll find a way in.
I have asked him why he won’t leave because I do nothing right and I’m this terrible person, his answer was I should carry on making his dinner and shut up! His views on women are really bad, I’ve never heard men talk like this before. I saw my parents in a loving relationship and they gave me a fantastic childhood. I often sit and think what I did that was so bad to deserve this. I do not drink, use drugs or commit crime. I’m with my children 24/7 have no friendships outside and I’ve found over the years I have become disinterested in texting friends back. I think I feel so ashamed and worthless that I dont remember who I am anymore.
He will tell me that I need him, but in reality I don’t. I can work and provide for my children. I think it’s more the fact he needs a woman to look after him so he can carry on being the bully that he is. I’ve noticed too that whenever he does something like this half an hour later he’ll ask me to do something, if I say no, he’ll say it’s a no then yes! I’m guessing he’s testing the waters to see if he still has control.
My biggest fear is loosing my children, it stops me from calling the police. He has drilled this into my head so much that it stays there constantly. You see in the press that these things do happen. I couldn’t live without them, they are what keep me going and my pet. I spoke to a lady at victim support a few weeks ago and she was very helpful. But while I’m still living here he associates it as being his house so he’ll never leave so I have to. I have thought about maybe going to a refuge but I’m not sure how my children would feel about that. They’re used to having their home comforts and stability of their home. It’s just a mess. I feel tired.
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Exercise your rights. (detail removed by Moderator) So please put a plan in place and to me – why should you go? Seems like it should be him that goes….but whatever is the most safe thing for you to do here. It takes planning so I’d be about it.
You can’t go on like this love, it just won’t work and all the time you spend trying to figure him out just wastes your life. He will never change. And not understanding your next to the last sentence here… what comfort and stability of your children’s home? From all you just said here they are experiencing plenty of abuse. I think they hear and see and know plenty.
Please talk to someone and lay everything out on the table because this bratty little entitled poor excuse for a man walking around in diapers will always make your life a wreck and do that to your children if you allow it. If you can pay your own way then please leave. I hope you have written things down here because you will need all that. He thinks he’s clever but alot of bullies really aren’t, they just count on their victims bowing to them. That needs to be over in your direction. I don’t really see how you could lose your children to someone like him to be honest but you have to support your case here that’s why journals, pics, witnesses, whatever is very important. He doesn’t want them. He wants a dog he can kick. You.
We make the mistake of downplaying the horror we live in as if to say it’s not that bad. When you are used to eating poison every day, hey, it’s all good. You get used to it, right? You feel horrible, look horrible, can’t think straight and hate your life but, it’s not that bad……. Yes, you are going to be tired but this isn’t going to get any better. It will escalate and get much worse. So we have to pull our tired selves up and put that mommabear thing in gear here. The best thing in the world isn’t that the kids have creature comforts. It’s that they have a peaceful loving home, void of abuse. That goes for you too.
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I don’t think I should have to leave. This is my children’s home but he will happily continue living like this just aslong as he has someone cooking his meals and picking up after him. He will always associate this house as being his top so its time I broke this chain. I’m moving closer to my parents which will be a big comfort. He is aware that I’m leaving but I don’t think he thinks it will happen because ‘I can’t live without him’ apparently. And compared to some women my story isn’t that bad. It’s more control with him and manipulation. I suspect in a normal healthy relationship when it comes to an end it will end amicably, but for some reason I’m not being given that right to choose and this is one of the worse feelings, i feel completely trapped. He doesn’t like me working because he believes women should be at home but I suspect the real reason is so he can be in full control of finances and use it as a punishment if I’ve answered back or not done what he said.
It’s quite confusing because in one breath he tells me I’m this worthless horrible person but then but then the next breath he’ll be saying how much he loves me! But you don’t treat people you love in this way. It definitely isn’t love but control and the thought of having a woman at home doing literally everything.
He has no PR for my younger daughter, during that point I knew exactly who he was and couldn’t bare giving him that right over another child. He doesn’t spend time with the kids or even recognise he’s a parent I don’t think, the children will just be objects to hurt me with when I leave.
It’s so frustrating because I see exactly who he is but one of his friends was saying once his well respected he is within the friendship group. That isn’t the real him and I suspect he wouldn’t behave like that around men anyway, he’ll save his real face to bully women. Strange because his ex gf reached out on social media a while ago telling me to be careful of him. He treated her very similar, no physical violence but the threats and when she left he smashed her car windows and made a few malicious calls etc. He is a piece of work.
I feel confident that any contact he has with my children after we leave will be be harmful to them, he would do something to them to hurt me, that’s how messed up he is. And this is why I will refuse contact, if he does apply to the family courts he will have alot of proving to do regarding his drinking etc, which he will not want to prove. It seems strange but why I’m here and know of his whereabouts etc, I don’t feel as anxious as I would when I leave. When I go I know his will be very hard and he won’t allow it to be straight forward, it’s the living in fear that I don’t want for the kids or myself. Can you ever fully escape men like this and be free to live a normal life!?
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Of course you can but he only has the rights that you allow him to have… This you said..
…”but for some reason I’m not being given that right to choose and this is one of the worse feelings, i feel completely trapped. He doesn’t like me working because he believes women should be at home but I suspect the real reason is so he can be in full control of finances and use it as a punishment if I’ve answered back or not done what he said.
It’s quite confusing because in one breath he tells me I’m this worthless horrible person but then but then the next breath he’ll be saying how much he loves me! But you don’t treat people you love in this way. It definitely isn’t love but control and the thought of having a woman at home doing literally everything”
You have to Take your rights by storm. You don’t even let that sentence in your brain about you’re not given whatever permission by him and therefore you are completely trapped??? Please do read that again and again here because “you” are giving “him” permission to treat you the way he does. You’re not really trapped. It’s an illusion just like who he really has been an illusion.
You’re waking up and I am so very very glad. And you’re already living in fear of what he’s going to do next sooo leaving will give you more fear than what you are living in? Or is that you are used to living in this fear so it’s okay and more desirable? All prisoners get used to their abuse for the most part. It’s called Stockholm Syndrome. It’s also codependency where you care more about what’s going on with them than you do about yourself. Effective weapon they use to get what they want.
Friends? Who say he’s such a lovely lad, eh? LOL! Well of course they do and wouldn’t give a piece of bread to someone who said they are worth their salt either. He wouldn’t be around any mates who wouldn’t give him a glowing report. In fact, I would thank them for now showing me “who they are”! I mean that seriously. I’ve done that before. Good riddance to the lot of ya!
Yes you do get free of them but you can give them absolutely No say so in your life whatsoever. Once a person like this has crossed the line, you need to collect their whatever away from them that gives them entrance and guard your gates fiercely. I said get out of my life and I actually do mean that. Try me.
They want to reel you back in because for one thing, they don’t really want to have to go train someone else as well as you are trained. Too much work. They are lazy. But they don’t want to exert alot of their priceless energy either running around after you if there is no hope. Other birds out there who are available. It was never about you. They will do this to whoever they can. I wouldn’t tell him anything from now on. I’d keep my plans to myself and keep moving in that direction, sooner than later. He’s not wanting to know because he cares, he’s wanting to know so he can plan his strategy. He’s got it good, so he doesn’t want to lose his gravy train. I’d rip that dog bowl out from under his snout so fast it would make his head spin around like Linda Blair.
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That last bit did make me laugh. I agree with everything you have said and I know what I need to do. The main problems are he has absolutely no boundaries, and I mean none. He’s very arrogant to which can be quite frustrating at times. When I have told him in the past that how his behaviour makes me feel, he’ll dismiss it totally and say something like can you get me a drink!! Pyscologically it’s hard to explain how it has mage me feel.
And I keep my plans to leave to myself, he wouldn’t be interested anyway but the problem I face is when I try to put my boundaries down, for example not opening the door because I suspect he’s drunk then he’ll smash a window etc. It’s all very childlike and obviously I have observed him for a while now so see the pattern in him. Once he’d been on a full rant about something I did wrong in the garden and he was laying down the law regarding that walking around giving me a rubdown, he’d tripped over a toy and i couldn’t help it but I burst out laughing, his first reply was ‘we’ll see if you’re still laughing after I’ve gone and smashed upstairs to bits’ his behaviour is childlike, almost like when he can’t get his own way he’ll start the threats.
I’m afraid though that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. One of his parents is an alcoholic and the other one is a very difficult controlling person, a mirror image of their son. No excuses for his behaviour but you can see maybe he hasn’t had a great childhood but you think he’d want to break that chain! My family never come round to visit, one of my parents thinks he’s mentally unwell, bad mannered and rude. But by being closer to my family he will know I’m not alone and that could go either way in regards to his behaviour.
In his mind he cannot understand why I would want to leave such a great man like him! He said a couple of weeks ago he was watching a crime documentary where a woman with 3 children had cheated on her partner so he killed her. He told me I should really think about that because of he caught me doing that then he’d do time inside for it. I’d researched this particular woman and she wasn’t cheating on anyone, she’d flead an abusive relationship and was moving on. This shows how he views women and relationships.
Some of the things I’ve heard him say about women literally make my toes curl, I’ve never heard any men in my family relate to women in such ways. His friends don’t see this side to him I’m sure and if they knew what went on behind closed doors I’m not sure he’d even have any friends to be honest. And now I’m here because I have to be, until I get my keys I’m kind of stuck. I know he’s going to throw all of his toys out of the pram once his control has gone, he’ll smash windows if he finds out my address and he’s threatened to smash my parents house up. I’m just not sure if he would become physically violent, it wouid depend if he’d been drinking and using drugs together because that wouid make him behave even more impulsive!
I plan to take out a molestation order once I have gone, this will either go one way or another. I’ve seen that he is a coward and will be worried about being sent to the prison but then that impulsive rage he has could get the better of him. Its just c**p, in the real world if I treated another human how he’s treated me then I’d expect to be left and respect their decision totally, whether I liked it or not I’d recognise my behaviour and lifestyle wasn’t right but he seems to think he is entitled to live life how he wants and I should be privileged to have such a great man like him in my life. The man that will stand there giving me tips on how to cut the grass but has never done it himself or the man that gives me tips on how to cook when he’s never cooked himself! He is laughable and one day I hope I can laugh at all of this and it will be a distant memory.
I do think that maybe he is mentally unwell. I’ve listened, watched and lived his ways enough to see that something isn’t quite right. I try not to push too many buttons because I’m unsure. My main focus is getting over that finishing line, it’s not too far away now, I’ve just got to stay strong and get there then face the obstacles once I reach my happy place.
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Hi Turtledove, I’ve read your post and thread and you have my deepest sympathy. I have to ask…your not living with my husband are you? when he says he’s going out to the pub! He sounds almost the same nightmarish man I’m married to! Seriously though Turtledove, best of luck to you escaping this man and the hellish life you have with him. 💞
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Thank you Hazydayz, it’s rubbish isn’t it? The pub for him lasts (detail removed by Moderator), sometimes even (detail removed by Moderator). And during that time I worry about him coming back and what could happen if he does. Usually he keeps away but the occasions he doesn’t he’ll kick the door or smash glass to gain entry. I suspect he sees other women too but I don’t quiz him over it. Is it bad of me to wish he’d meet someone else so then he’d leave me alone?!x
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Hi Turtledove, you have a lot of understandable fears about what could happen when you move out. Do you have an outreach worker?
If not, please do call your local DV charity. If you don’t know who that it please give Women’s Aid a call and they will be able to help you.
An outreach worker will understand the concerns and the dangers that you face and they will be able to help you with a safe get out plan. They’ll be able to advise you how to stay safe once you are in your new home and can provide moral support for you, which is really important in those early days.
Take care of yourself. xx
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Hi Eggshells, I don’t have an outreach worker. I occasionally speak to people at victim support when I’m feeling anxious and low, I’ve found this has helped me alot. Up until a few months ago I didn’t tell anyone what had been happening. It’s embarrassing and I’ve felt very ashamed that I’ve allowed this to happen because I’m too weak to call the police through fear of the repocutions.
Well over (detail removed by Moderator) go he’d smashed another window when I refused him entry because of him being drunk and one of my neighbours had called the police. He’d flead because he must of been aware he’d been seen. The police came but I just froze, I didn’t go to the door. What a fool!! I found myself completely empty with no words. The police hung around a while but went after a few minutes. This could of been my opportunity but I did nothing. The thought in my head of my children being taken repeats over and over again. X
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Hi Turtledove,
I’m glad you’re making plans to go and see you have had good advice from the ladies above.
Your story resonated with me, because my ex husband was pretty much the same as your regarding drink and drugs, the difference being mine never left the house. Just holed himself up in his room with Facebook. Sometime never saw him all day. Started drinking at 5pm, usually in bed drunk and stoned by 9.
If my family visited, you could guarantee he’d kick off, usually after they’d gone to bed, about something insignificant. There would be wine glasses thrown at the wall. Drinks knocked off the side, food thrown about. Immediately, like you, I’d clean HIS mess up. Terrified of someone seeing what he’d done and what our life was REALLY like.
Regarding their friends, it’s true, they surround themselves with sycophants that wouldn’t say boo to him. Oh my life he thought he was some sort of god and regularly went on rants about how wonderful he is, how talented and how everyone thinks he’s amazing. He turned however into a sniveling coward when I went out one time during his last major kick off (when I’d been physically hurt, he’d smashed my belongings and he had chased me out of the house – I managed to grab my keys and jump in the car & lock it before he got to me) and bought two burly policemen back where they woke him from his drunken stupor. His snotty blarting face was a picture to behold. 😁 Thankfully he left the country (detail removed by Moderator) and I’ve been zero contact for almost (detail removed by Moderator).
I truly hope you get out soon, please don’t let him know you’re going, just leave when he’s out on his weekend benders. Get your non mol ASAP and don’t hesitate to call the police if he breaks it. Get a decent alarm system fitted and cctv if possible,
Good luck xx
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Hi Hunkydory, it’s so good to hear a positive end. I’m glad you managed to get rid. I just hope my story can end the same. So, (detail removed by Moderator) he told me I’d over reacted regarding the window incident and he’s concerned for my mental health as I’m cracking up!!! He managed to turn it around onto me and say it was my fault because I didn’t open the door and I know the rules!!!
And usually if he doesn’t go out at the weekend (which is very rare) he’ll sit in his room on his phone watching some kind of sport. I would keep out of the way and make as little noise as possible to avoid him going on a huge rant about how noisey I am and I was disgusting because that!!
Over time I’ve spent enough time to think and realise what he has done and said haven’t been my fault, at the beginning I was in a sort of confused state of mind and I did think I triggered his behaviour and would accept the blame and has found myself apologising for things that I didn’t even do, but I suppose that’s the control they aim to have.
I have tried to leave before but he’d sucked me back in with a sob story, so I stayed because I felt sorry for him and still wanted to try and see the good even though there is none to see. That was all an act. He’s tried convincing me my family are interfering people that are no good and when they have visited he’ll make it obvious they’re not wanted there. I suppose this is all the isolation process. I think once you realise what’s been going on then you’re more aware and can stop blaming yourself.
I know too that the end of my story will be when the police are involved. But for now I just keep my head down and carry on until I get my safe space for my children and myself x
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Yes they’re adept at brainwashing and isolating us very gradually.. I was very very lucky that he went and didn’t try to come back. And so happy I didn’t cave in when he wanted to come back to this country but he’d live with a friend because he knew we were finished. Right. Only one way that would have gone.
You are seeing things for what they are now. You know you deserve better and you’re on your way. Once there, don’t look back! Xx
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You’re definitely one of the lucky ones. And they are very good at trying to get into our heads, very clever how it’s done very gradually over time, so you barely recognise what’s going on. Once you recognise the pattern and accept that it’s abuse, that’s when you know you have to leave but breaking away is the hard part because they nerd us more than we need them. We’re women and it’s our natural instinct to deal with life and kids etc.
I’ve almost felt like his mother at times, or maybe the mother he didn’t have. His outbursts and behaviour have been like that of a young child with no concept of their behaviour. If really has been head messing stuff and at times I did actually wonder if I was going crazy because anything I would say would get passed off as being that or it would be ignored then I’d be told to get him a drink.
I’ve had a normal relationship before so I knew this wasn’t right and I recognised something wasn’t right with him but your nurturing instincts kick in and you believe you can help this person and that the behaviour might pass, but it just gets worse. I’ve found that just by talking to other people about it it’s almost lifted a massive weight off my shoulders. If you don’t mind me asking you, when did your ex become physical? Was there any warning signs or was it just when he was drunk /high? You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to, I’ll totally understand. Xx
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I absolutely think you should talk to the police so you have something on file. This is a high risk case and they are trained on DV. You also absolutely need a DV worker that is assigned to you. I’d be doing both things asap. If something does happen you need to have already laid out who he is, what’s been happening so they can refer to this and have it in their hands to refer to when he pulls a little stunt. Then they have it and it’s prior to him being a jerk. You will need to document it all anyways. He is a dangerous man and that remark about the crime show has to be documented and the police absolutely need to know about that one.
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Braelynn, I need to but if he found out I’d told anyone he’d got into a rage and I’d have to come back here where he is. Any outside help will need to be where I have my own space. I don’t want to aggravate him in any way then have to face him.
(detail removed by Moderator)
There’s a chance I won’t be believed too, he can talk his way out of anything and turn the blame onto me. I remember once he said someone had been messing around with (detail removed by Moderator) in his room because it wasn’t how he left it, he flew into a rage about that. He’d then gone downstairs and threw his (detail removed by Moderator) against the wall.
(detail removed by Moderator) he told me I tried to food poison him (detail removed by Moderator), I told him we’d all had the same and we were fine. This was his excuse for smashing (detail removed by Moderator) even though his rage came because of something else. The whole time he’s been playing with my head mentally.
When I think back now there was early warning signs, I just chose to dismiss them through flattery. I used to enjoy socialising with friends then suddenly when I met him, I had to do everything with him like my own little bodyguard. I’m a fool. He used to be very loving and caring but the minute I became pregnant and moved in with him that instantly stopped. As I said on someone else’s post, it’s like he is happy when I’m unhappy, and unhappy if I’m being happy me. This isn’t normal behavior and has taken me a while to figure out what’s going on.
When i leave I do believe I’m at high risk. I’ve seen the look in his eyes before when he’s given warnings. He knows I choose to be with my kids so he doesn’t have to keep texting or calling me because he knows where I’ll be. I am a casual worker so do as and when if it fits around the kids. When I do work which has been rare recently he will be in a funny mood about it and ask me if I’ve been flirting. But when I go completely he would of lost complete control, I know how he will react to that. He’s acts on impulse and if he’s been drinking or using something then the risk is very high.
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I still think you should make a report about his behavior to the police so they have it. They have to have documentation at some point and better for them to have it now so if does pop off then you have been documenting all this with them. You need to tell your solicitor if you have one and your DV worker if you have one. If you don’t have one, you need to get one. After he goes off the hamster wheel it’s always difficult to backtrack. You don’t have to say I want him picked up or anything like that but you just want it documented.
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Can I do this without him being notified? If they can then I will do it. I have a diary that I have kept and images of damage he has caused in the past. I have a few videos and voice notes too. Once I stopped self blaming and double doubting myself, even wondering if I was cracking up, I’d then started to record everything.
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I think so. All you have to do is call and ask, right? So make the call. You don’t have to identify yourself, just pose the question and see what they say. Also if you do have a DV worker assigned to you – they absolutely need to have all this information and so does your solicitor if you have one…. You need support and this is one way to get it. Get it out there “to” people and do this asap, okay?
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I spoke to a solicitor a while ago to get some advice on childrens matters, I didn’t say too much but I guess he kind of had an idea what was going on. Women don’t plan escapes to leave nice men. I have been saving and planning my move for a while because I know when I leave I won’t be going back. I have no feelings left for this man, he’s stripped me of even liking myself at times.
I will try calling the local police station tomorrow to enquire. Writing this down for me is alot easier than physically telling somebody what he’s being doing to me. I’m going to try. And I have no DV worker. Do they work with the police?
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Hi Turtledove. If you can phone your local dv charity and ask for an outreach worker I would strongly recommend it. The quality of support seems to vary from area to area though and COVID has significantly reduced the help that they can offer. In a normal world, the keyworker would usually be able to go to the police with you.
If you speak to the police, make it clear that you are afraid of what will happen if he finds out.
Somebody needs to safeguard you. If you phone your local DV charity they should do a risk assessment. Ask about a MARAC (Multi-Agency Risk Assessment Conference). I don’t know who usually initiates these. Mine was initiated by my trauma therapist. They will look at your risk and work out how best to safeguard you. xx
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Hi Eggshells,
If he found out I had spoken to anyone like the police then he would be so angry, I remember once he kicked one of the doors off the actual hinges, I felt my stomach literally drop and I turned to jelly, I began dialling 999 on my phone and he snatched it off me and said if you ever ring the police on me you see what f-in happens to you. It was the look in his eyes and the way he snarls his nose up.
He has actually recognised that I’m not happy. When I leave that is me putting my boundaries down and telling him no more, if he chooses to over step that boundary into my space then I will call the police, I have to.
It’s almost like I’ve allowed him to take control while I’ve been here because this is his house, but once I’ve removed myself from here I’m getting put of the cage I’ve been in.
I think I’ve covered all areas with my children. He’d have a long way to go with my youngest, but like I say he uses A class drugs at the weekend and drinks very heavy. He would not sacrifice doing that for children, even his own.
And I’m scared of what mood he’ll be in. Whether he beak anything that I can’t fix, even when he raises his voice it is intimidating and the things he has said have been awful, make you feel worthless and disgusting. My biggest fear is if he’s been drinking and using then he would attack me, he’s a big man too.
Sometimes I actually sit and cry, not because of the abuse because I’m numb now, but I’ll sit and think of my escape and as good as it sounds it always ends in my thoughts of him finding out my new address and smashing windows and doors, he’s drunk when visualise this and telling me you ‘you’ll never get rid of me, I love you. I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Then I cry because I know the only way out will be with the police and the local authority, I cry for my children and the shame I’m bringing on their lives, they’ll be those children who are cruelly labelled as children at risk. There’s a certain stigma around it and it feels unfair that we live a normal life but have to go through all of this.
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Yes, ditto, everything she just said!!!
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Will my children be taken away?
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No they won’t. By leaving, you will be showing social services and the courts that you are trying to protect your children.
Talk to someone at your local DV charity. Get them to help you plan for your safety. Statements from a DV worker can be used in court and it can help you get legal aid for a non molestation order.
We tell ourselves that they are mentally ill but they don’t behave like that with anyone else. I have a friend who is mentally ill and her behaviour when she is unwell is the same for everyone. You’re a loving, caring and nurturing person. It’s time to use that for yourself and your children.
Look after yourself, don’t reveal your plans to him or any of his friends. Keeping us isolated is how they warp our thinking to suit them. Reach out to DV workers, your GP, anyone who can help you. When you feel alone, come on to this forum and look at all the stories women have told. You’re not alone. Your pain and suffering is just as valid as anyone else’s. You deserve a happy life for yourself and your children.
Take care, stay safe and be brave. You have a beautiful life waiting for you and it will all be worth it in the end.
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It’s helped me so much by using this forum. Knowing you’re not going through these things alone has been a big help. Some of the stories I’ve read have been horrifying, and it’s been an even bigger push to get out knowing what could happen next if I stay. Staying is not an option. I need peace, space, freedom and the right to make my own decisions and allow my children to bloom in a loving home hearing positive things only.
The first steps for me was sorting a house out. I’ve been working and saving and sometimes not telling him when I was working because he would withhold money if he thought I was working more. I’ve looked into a molestation order and i can print it and fill it out myself, then there’ll be a small fee to pay after.
If he didn’t drink and use drugs at the weekends then I would feel confident that I could leave without looking over my shoulder too much, but when he’s been drinking he looses him mind completely.
And I do believe he has some kind of mental issue, I’m not a Doctor, but I’ve seen enough and observed long enough to identify behaviors that aren’t normal. He has tried to normalise his behaviour and make me adapt to it. Whatever illness he has, he is fully aware of what he’s doing but chooses to do it. He’s a coward and bully.
He will sit there and go on about how certain friends have only achieved things in life because he got them the job, it seems that jealousy really eats away at him. I was nothing before I met him so I should be grateful for him. Almost like he’s expecting you to bow down to him like a God.
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Thank you for your kind words. It really does mean a lot hearing positive support. My children and myself are almost there to that peaceful calm place. I just have to be brave and what I have to do to get us there xx
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Turtledove – I havent read all the comments, but just know that this ISNT your life. Your life is the children that you watch playing in the garden, it’s whatever steps you take next.
I have had to call the police on a number of occasions, they have been to my home address, to my work, the house i share with my partner and i understand that feeling of not wanting the hassle or scene, but that hassle and scene shows him and your children that the behaviour is not ok, normal or acceptable. I have found that since a police presence people are more aware of my situation without me having to speak too openly, the neighbours ask if i am ok, work are very accommodating, my little sister understands that these men can be punished if we pursue it and report t. I know it’s not that easy, theres times i havent called when i should have, but i just wanted you to know there is no shame in ringing for help, its actually incredibly brave… You are not just protecting yourself, but your home and children too.
I dont have any children, in my current situation it is probably a blessing, but i just want to say that from speaking to my own mother, friends with children, grandparents, women who are mothers have this incredible strength when it comes to their children. They will protect, fight, and use the most fierce basic instincts to keep their family safe. Remember you have that strength, that fight, that courage, they know you have it, its there!
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Thanks Browneyesp, it is so nice to hear nice things once in a while!
And you’re right this isn’t going to be my life. I can feel and sense that something very bad will happen in the future if I don’t leave. Staying isn’t an option. I suspected over the years that something didn’t feel right, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Normalised his behaviour and thought that most partners order their wives etc around. And kind of thought well maybe he gets tired as he works 5 days a week and that’s why I have to do the gardening and take the bins out, even though when I work I sort my children out, bath and feed them etc and will not eat until they’re in bed. He would moan if his food was cold or wasn’t the way he liked it etc. Any excuse to have a moan, never a thank you for the meal.
He’s also never brought me a bday card or a gift. I started realising he wasnt the man I fell in love with after my elder Daughter was born and he didn’t try and hide it.
He has left a couple of times after smashing something to bits first. He’s never gone without a consequence for me. Once he even tried to take my daughter and my passports. I’ve since had to keep all personal documents hidden away. When he’s gone I realised he had probably gone on a bender somewhere and returned after (detail removed by moderator), this has been because I don’t contact him so he’s also eager to gain the control back. He will tell me its his house too. So he can keep it but alot of the furniture and things in are mine and my children’s so I refuse to just walk away with nothing. When my house is ready I will arrange fir all of my stuff to be taken and we’ll be gone just like that. That will be the easiest part, the Hardest part will be getting some help to keep him away. I will a non mol order, but maybe something extra too. When he’s been on the drink and drugs a piece of paper won’t keep him away.
I’d I could turn back the clock I really wish I could or if I’d of had more knowledge on men like this then I’d of ran for the hills. The weekends are usually the hardest, when he’s been using and drinking. He spends most weekends out but I chain and bolt my door anyway because I won’t let him in, will not have a man like that drunk like that around my children. One particular neighbour often smiles and I think he has a rough idea of what my abuser is like. I think he called the police when he (detail removed by moderator) once, although there had been a few garden break ins in the area, so could of been because of that!
When my elder daughter was a baby she slept in my room as I was breastfeeding and seemed like I was feeding constantly, he didn’t like the noise and carry on as HE had to be up in the morning, so he loved in (detail removed by moderator). He’s been there since, I find it safer with my children being in our big cosy bed together and I feel safe too as he is very careful about what he says and does around my elder daughter as she’s getting more older and more aware. And with my second daughter I was fully aware of who he was and very protective of her. I registered her alone, as shameful as that was I did it protect her, so she isn’t associated with him.
He went through a period of telling me she wasn’t his anyway but I think that’s because it hurt his ego and he knew he’d lost control there. He knows she’s his child but isn’t interested, but to the outside world he’s this great father. If only people knew.
My time is coming though, I’ve been planning and saving for a while. I’m moving closer to family. They know I’m moving but they don’t know the full extent as to what’s been happening, they just think it’s an amicable split. I know for sure that once we have our safe place I won’t hesitate to call the police or better still leave my children with my family and go to the police station myself to report him. Even if no charges are made, there’ll be a record there for the next victim. His first victim didn’t report him either and seems petrified of him. I admit, I am nervous if he’s drunk but I look at him more as a coward now and a pathetic excuse of a man. I say that he hasn’t physically attacked me but I suppose he has because he’s pinched and pulled my hair, spat at meand kicked me when we used to share a bed together.
I hope you’re in a good place too Browneyesp. Do you have a plan of action for your future? Xx
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