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Ok, so this person helped me escape financially and emotionally and I have told them many times how grateful I am. They know they will get their money back. So recently I wouldn’t do something that they asked. I explained my reasons which were that yes I would do x but not on a specific day and time because I cannot commit myself and don’t want to let anyone down. Anyway they said that they helped me financially and emotionally and that I’m putting myself first and now she sees the real me etc. I was gobsmacked that they would bring this up as if the shoe was on the other foot I wouldn’t hesitate to help them. We are family, I think it crosses a line to use my horrific experience in this way. Am I wrong? There are many other arguments she could have used but helping me escape a psychopath is one step too far. Am I wrong? I could never envisage using this against someone especially whsn what they’re asking isn’t exactly life and death. I feel it’s controlling behaviour and I’m so stressed. Emotional blackmail too?
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hello KIP<
yes I think it is both things, and you are right.I had something very similar last year with birth family and felt it was devastating as I had already ‘lost’ other members due to manipulation.
I’m sorry you have had this experience. But strangely healing for me personally to hear about it as it seems very similar to mine. I was labelled ‘selfish’ wchih is particularly hurtful as I’ve had to make so many sacrifices for my daughter as a single parent…
I had a message lising all the things that had ‘done’ for me. I responded with explaining that actually yes, I had had help but much of the leaving and since I have done by myself and it has often been hard, so hard. and lonely..
I wondered when they were ‘helping’ they were somehow keeping a tally and a score…?I think that is dysfunctional.
best
ftc
x
It was and is, all I could -
Sigh. Some folk will do or say anything to try and get their own way. I would ignore her comments completely (to remain standing in your truth), say something like you’ve said already in a very kind and respectful maner – to prove what she has said about you is not only wrong but couldn’t be further from the truth.
I’m sorry you feel disappointed, I hope you realise that if I could help then of course I would, in fact I’d love to help you, especialy because yes like you say, I will never forget your help and kindness when I really needed it. Sadly this time I just cant do it, I do hope you understand my reasons for not being able to help you this time; but do please ask me again next time. Really hope you get it sorted. Let me know how you get on with it.
Or something like, in your own words obs, you get what I mean, be you, be real, be kind.
The rest is up to her hey x
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Thanks for your reply. I’m so shocked it’s such a low blow. This person was so supportive financially allowing me to stay in my home. It wasn’t much money for them but made a huge difference to me. I think I will look into a bank loan. I might just about be able to manage that over a longer period of time. My ex was financially controlling and I will never be treated that way again. I hope she never finds herself in that position. I’m sorry you went through this too. What is the matter with people? I think they liked us when we were weak and needy and traumatised. The first sign we have a mind of our own and they cast this up.
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Thanks fizzy, I tried that. It wasn’t even her that asked for this favour in the first place. She’s the flying monkey for primary abuser that I said no to. I said no in a polite respectful way. I explained why. She’s not interested so upped her game to include emotional blackmail. I’m assuming the pressure in on from primary abuser. I’ve had 4 emails each nastier than the last. I’ve asked her to stop sending them. I just didn’t see this coming.
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Hi KIP,
Ouch. No I don’t think you are wrong, like the other ladies have replied on here. I think it does illustrate emotional blackmail quite well in fact. You seem to have had to deal with quite a lot lately, so this is the last thing you needed – but I guess some people will just view it as “that person owes me” when for others the mere fact they’ve helped someone is enough in itself. I’m really sorry you had to hear that, it’s such a hurtful thing to hold over someone and really only serves to make you feel controlled once more.
I think what fizzylem is suggesting is a good way of trying to explain and distance yourself from it at the same time. I might also try and explain why her comment is so hurtful to you, but perhaps it is best to leave it out. I think you will be the best judge of that.
Sending comforting hugs your way
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I will tell you my problem. I don’t think it’s identifying as I’m sure lots of people have parents in a care home. So there was a visiting rota and I missed my day but emailed primary abuser and she sent a horrible email back about how this person won’t get any visitors today . (Detail removed by moderator). So I told primary abuser that I won’t be on her rota anymore because I cannot commit to visiting however I will still visit this person when I can. This is how it all began. Primary abuser gets flying money to try to get me back on rota. I explain I cannot commit to her day and time and the spectacle begins….
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It was a low blow for sure; and one she will hopefully come to see she owes you an apology for. Of course it’s natural to want to remove her power and control to do this again, but I would see how she handles ‘next’, see how it unfolds first before you take action; it may be that you both just need to revisit the conversation to resolve it, and if not, do what you gotta do. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I have developed a tendancy to cut and run and I’m not sure this serves me or anyone very well everytime x
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Oh sweetheart. This is despicable. Absolutely horrendous behaviour. You do not deserve their bullying. You’ve done nothing wrong in this, no matter if this person helped you escape, how could they do this to you now is beyond me. I certainly see why you consider a bank loan if that can help you be rid of this person. That’s just so disappointing to read, someone who helped you does a 180 like that and uses the awful abuse you had to endure against you… KIP you must be one of the strongest women alive having had to live through it and now be faced with this. I’ve not known you for long on this forum, but I do know they won’t get you down. And I’m still sending you a big virtual hug – if hugs are your thing, not everyone is good with human contact 🙂
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This woman isnt going to apologise is she. Stand back. Let her get on with it. Do what you gotta do, but I wouldnt get a bank loan, I’d probs focus more on trying not to react or get tangled in it and step away. Until she asks for it then the same agreement stands hey; remeber you don’t ‘owe’ her, but you are grateful. Jeese! x
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Hey thanks for all your replies. It means a lot. It was very difficult for me to take a stand in the first place, the rest of my family walk on eggshells around her and just give in to her demands. Now I know why. Well, another lesson learned. I’ve had a lot worse. I will try to talk to the flying monkey when she’s calmed down and I think I will wait and see if she asks for her money back, if she does then I will get the bank loan. Will stretch me but hopefully next year I will have money coming my way and would be paying her back anyway x have a great day. At least the sun is out 🌞
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she is one of those people who like folk to be indebted to her – i really dont like that because its using control she thinks now your obligated to her and she can treat you how she wants xx another (detail removed by moderator) bites the dust KIP – i have to say theyre b****y well every where !! xx much love diymum
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Hi KIP, I’ve just seen your post, how are you doing? As you say what if it with people. There’s nothing like hurting someone when they’re down is there. This primary abuser…. they definately like to be in control, sound quite rigid in their ways, more to be pitied really. Life gets in the way, sticking to a rota, that’s quite controlling. The fact you are going to visit this person, who cares if it overlaps with someone else’s visit, life cannot be controlled, micromanaged to the nth degree(shaking my head). I’m like you, I’d try and get a loan to pay this person back, no one gets the chance to have a hold over me. Is it something you could discuss with a Credit Union, they do loans especially for women in our situations. Talk to someone at one of them, you don’t even have to have been saving up with them for a time as far as I know.
This person you are dealing with,(primary abuser) it sounds as if they like to be in control, have people(family) indebted to them. Unless you’ve not had dealings with them, their true colours are hidden also🤔 it’s amaxing who become’ flying monkeys’. It truly is testimony to how far you’ve come to be able to break this down into logical solutions and be able to deal with the situation to your advantage.hugs to you KIP.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
Families behave in appalling ways towards each other sometimes. It is really good that you have been open about your availability to visit this person. It is not at all right for you to be told you’re being selfish that you can’t fit into a rota. Dump the problem back on her. It sounds as though that’s exactly what you’re doing as you state that you now understand why other people avoid her or tread on eggshells around her.
If this abuser thought really that you were a downtrodden shadow and that’s what she likes, she has a big, big problem.
There are certain members of my family who I avoid like the plague. Even so, I send my regards to them through 3rd parties.
You don’t need to get caught in the web especially now you can see it. Well done you. You are amazing. Keep on going!
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The rest of my family have easily picked up the slack without comment. There simply isn’t a problem with my coming off the ‘rota’. It seems to be the problem is I said no to her. My intention was to go back on the rota when I was batter placed to make a commitment but that will never happen. Even if I could go back on the rota it would be like stepping back into the snake pit. I will simply say to whoever is visiting that day, that I’m going if they don’t wish to visit. Then I cut the flying monkey and abuser completely out the picture. What a load of drama over nothing.
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