5th January 2017 at 9:21 pm #35643
Dreaded going home this evening, so stayed at work with several other staff to organise things.
Had to go home (detail removed by moderator) after my finish time(I do this regularly)
My whole body was shaking, I think talking past issues through with the councillor has triggered me. When I walked in, he’s sat at dining room table with nothing, looking miserable. I feel as though this is staged for max effect (detail removed by moderator)…. somehow he made me so anxious and scared I struggled to sit still.
I had to go out with him to somewhere, I felt like I was with a ticking time bomb!
He said mothing, did nothing to me, but I feel traumatised. I dream of telling him we’re finished, I’m moving away. Every eventuality coming into my mind.
Then doubt…. I’m just being unkind, imagining it, I’ve blown everything out of proportion….
Then reality…. I hate his values, I hate the way he talkes, he’s doing things to gain attention.
Then doubt….. I’m being unkind, I’m noticing things, he’s not doing them for effect…..
And on it goes.
5th January 2017 at 11:26 pm #35658Confused123Participant
Just read your post, soemtimes we get so fed up of their negative behaviour , yor not imaging it, it prob is happening , think u r getting signs u have had enough and want out
5th January 2017 at 11:53 pm #35664White RoseParticipant
I really feel for you. This was my day every day till I left. I’d find every excuse to work late then feel sick all the way home as I knew what I’d face when I got back.
Getting home late finding he’d done nothing to prepare evening meal and then pick fault with it when I made it. Make me go out when I just wanted a quiet night in.
You say he said nothing to you did nothing but you feel traumatised – that’s because his behaviour to you is not normal it’s due to the stress your under.
I came home one night when he was “ill” I pulled onto the drive and saw him getting biscuit from cupboard he didn’t see me. I banged the gate deliberately and went in only to find him tucked up in bed looking like a sick puppy pretending I’d woken him up. Pathetic! They’re good actors and love attention.
You say you dream of telling him it’s over of leaving. I did too. Then things escalated and I realised I had to get out.
There’s only so many eggshells you can walk through, so many sick to the stomach anxiety attacks you can bear and so much emotional abuse you can take before it overwhelms you.
You’re not feeling comfortable.
Phone womens aid help line and have a chat. If its busy try again till you get through. Explain how it is and take advice.
Your life doesn’t need to be like this. Sending love x*x
6th January 2017 at 12:13 am #35665lilacladyParticipant
I feel for you too. This is often my day too. Often I stay at work later just so I don’t have to go home earlier. Your not imagining it. Just trust how you feel. I feel so the same and like you say on it goes. Keep posting here it really helps. Has helped me see the behaviour for what it is, and its good to talk to other people who have been through the same situations or who are currently in the same situations. And get advice wherever you can it will help make you stronger. x*x
6th January 2017 at 7:40 am #35673
Thankyou for your kind words. It helps to know this isn’t normal behaviour. I know I need to do something about it, but also know he will be like this for weeks then be ok for a couple of weeks which totally confuses me. I know its a cycle but I can’t seem to do anything about it.
6th January 2017 at 9:39 am #35675NovaParticipant
Hi Midnight…it is so confusing isn’t it!
We have all had this experience, of Mr Nasty Mr Nice, so we understand your anxiety..I was encouraged to read up about love bombing & hoovering (which I’d never heard of) & trauma bonding…
I also listened to a Laura Richards who was recommended on here…she helped with Coercive Control laws being passed in UK..she said mostly, women want to make the relationship work, as we all do, and mainly we are unaware that we are in an abusive relationship! ..I was totally unaware put it down to me, his acting depressed/anxious etc…Which is a huge eye opener and is a tough one to come to terms with.
6th January 2017 at 3:41 pm #35700SuntreeParticipant
Your Thursdays sounds like where I was. Staying at work, believing that time that he was better with the kids when I wasn’t around (that was such a false belief).
When I get home the silence, me not rocking the boat.
No arguments as such. I had learnt a long time before that not to argue else for he would hurt the ones I love by accident of course or it was my fault.
Nothing was ever his fault, but he could and would do a false apology when he had to, normally as a deflection.
there was nothing to pin the actual abuse he was doing to me on not for a very long time.
I would always questioning what I said or did so either not to upset him in case I it would make him ill. Or I would hope that If I didn’t rock the boat he would do family stuff with us or keep his word about things that were important to me and we had agreed to.
The kids spent the first years in the park with picnics even when it was pouring with rain so we stayed out of the house so not to disturb him.
I used to jump at my own shadow, I was under so much stress and I broke several times where he “helped ” put me back together.
Then I started to get stronger and I met some lovely people and through that I started to see what was happening wasn’t normal or right and it wasn’t me. I was surviving, but I still couldn’t leave, because he hadn’t done what I through was abuse. It was me being “mentally ill….”
What happened is we went for counselling and we did it more than once and that opened my eyes slowly to what was going on. Don’t get me wrong the counselors were taken in by him completely, but what I saw was the same pattern of doing things for them and as soon as the period was up reverting back to what he was doing but with more knowledge of control and more ammunition stored up to use against me. That with meeting normal adults.
Then the moment of clarity came when someone said if he is doing this to the you what is he doing to the kids when you aren’t around?
Until that time I was still thinking I maybe if this changed then things would be okay.
I got out and I worked b****y hard not to go back.
Life got worse for a while, it would have been worse to stay, the kids behavior was becoming disruptive and people were starting to say it was because of me because he was a charmer with no true feelings, just ones he could switch off and on at will. This man could produce a tear if it was required.
I think when you are staying away from your own home, the place that is supposed to be your safety net and oasis from the world and it is the opposite.
When you are walking on eggshells, having to almost record every conversation you have, just to make sure you did actually say or did not say something.
If you are looking at a person who is different with you alone than when they are with others.
If you are wondering how to fix yourself, or feel as though your values are being eroded or ignored.
If you are being isolated or he is there with everything you do so you stop because it isn’t worth it or others think he is just great.
To confuse you and to keep you there with them, just as you are either finding strength and going this isn’t how a good relationship should be and finding the strength to leave or you are at your lowest they do nice things that normal people do, they make an effort and do the little things that mean a lot to you.
They can’t keep it up, but you will hang onto that for ages as a justification to excuse the bad behavour.
It is designed to keep you off balanced and make it look as though they are an angel and you are the mad crazy woman. It is designed to keep you exactly where he wants you. It will only get worse.
All I say now is even the baddies in the kids fairy tales have friends and aren’t bad all the time, it doesn’t make them good.
6th January 2017 at 5:03 pm #35703
White Rose-mine often pretends he’s asleep, he’s unaware of you watching him or that you don’t know what he’s doing then pretend surprise, waking up or that I just interrupted, all for effect I think.
Cuppa – I’ve read a lot, it all makes complete sense but there’s the doubt I’m just being sensitive or grumpy.
Suntree – Thankyou so much for posting, everything you’ve written is what my life has been so far, I so desperately want to get away then he starts being nice again! He’s realised I’m getting stronger, back at work after a spell of anxiety, I’ve had the ‘woe is me’ act for a week but last night was bordering on angry, tonight he’s sent my grown up daughter to (detail removed by moderator) I’ve not complied so he’s talking to him self as if I can’t hear him about how ungrateful I am, how he tries to keep me happy etc. I just want to scream that I want out! Why can’t I just do that, why do I sit like a kitten shaking and feeling sick.
I’m scared, scared of plunging in an anxiety pit so deep I won’t get out! How did you manage when you left, you say it got worse for awhile. I’ve just thought that if we didn’t live together I would never chose to visit so why live together now.
Sorry I know it’s a long post but it helps to get it out.
6th January 2017 at 5:19 pm #35704AnabelaParticipant
Hi Midnight Marbles. I am reading your post and i am in exact same situation. I am still in a relationship with him, I am screaming I WANT OUT inside, but do nothing to escape. What’s worse, although at the moment we dont live together (after my attempt to end relationship some time ago), we are likely to move back soon, unless I think of a way to deal with myself and get strong..
I also get the feeling of stress, anxiety even if he hasn’t said or done anything. I am just constantly have this feeling when I am around him. I dont even like sleeping in a same bed with him anymore, because it makes me anxious. And I am getting worse and worse with dealing with arguments. I can barely open my mouth to say something. I just cry and cry and cry or try not to listen to what he is saying.
When we lived together, I also enjoyed and did any overtime I could possibly take, just to spend as little time as possible in the house.
And I get same doubts I am being unkind. Although I do understand I am not the one who is unkind.
He manages to twist my words. He is saying I am emotionally abusing him. and all that… Everything bad he says about me, it feels like he is describing himself…
I wish you will find strength in yourself to end this. Whenever I read a stories here, i get angry about those men, but for my own relationship I feel sorry for him. And whenever I read escape stories I get hope that one day I will have a same story to tell.
6th January 2017 at 8:17 pm #35719NovaParticipant
OMG Midnight the sleeping thing! he used to do that!! isnt that SO weird!
I’d think what the hell is is play acting about now? seriously he’d never let up, always problems, never a solution.
I left him, put him out, then hed crawl back into my good books, all sweetenss, several times, then towards the end after quite a few years of all the hellish confusing mind bending world I was in…I just felt switched off, like I didnt care about him, I just got a tiny bit of my assertive side back, as I reallllly didnt care what he thought. I looked at him his manners, his voice his shouting, manipulation control, nothing ever right, SO arrogant and self centred, his lazy ways, no empathy,sympathy, love, hand holding (except for the camera or audience) he bored the tears out of me, and the mirroring was astonishing, I thought ‘please get a LIFE, mines taken!’
90% of anything positive ‘together’ was made by me, ideas, holidays, good times, the house & garden…the tiniest things…when he came into my life, he had huge debt a family of 4 kids from other women, nothing really…and in the end he tried to destroy me. I thought I knew him (from our mutual past)…omg so wrong!
He got in through the back door, and I kicked him out the front door, far too late in the day.
wish Id done it years ago, what a waste of my life, physically & emotionally I’m now left to pick up the pieces …a long trail of severe destruction.
keep strong, listen to your body and do whatever you have to to keep your sanity and life intact.
6th January 2017 at 10:09 pm #35734
Oh Cuppa – you’ve been through the mill and come out the other end, you inspire me and give me hope that one day I’ll get there. Everything you’ve said rings bells and stirs memories. I hope you gain happiness you truly deserve it xx
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