- This topic has 3 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 2 months ago by
lilaclady.
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30th November 2016 at 12:28 am #33562
lilaclady
ParticipantSo my husband has gone away for the week and it has been such bliss I am dreading him coming home. I had such a lovely weekend with my son and I realised just how much time he is taking away from me with his abuse. All the lost hours spent trying to work out what’s going on, being confused by him. All the hours lost on his rows, trying to rationalise his behaviour or defend myself. All the hours lost on him constantly being anxious over our son, you’re late for his dinner, should his bath be that hot, he needs a coat. All the hours and hours he is stealing from me enjoying my son and his growing up. That weekend we had such fun, it was more relaxed, it didn’t matter if I was back late for his dinner or decided to stay out longer. And I had a moment of clarity of how DARE he do this. I want to be a good mum and I want to enjoy it. I don’t want to be not noticing my son while he is rowing at me. And I also don’t want this affecting my son. I have also enjoyed work (always do) and I had to go away for a night and it was nice not having to deal with him moaning about it and being p****d off I went away. I just organised everything, organised my son’s nanny to stay the night and off I went. And the this week coming home from then office and just calm and nothing to worry about.
On the flip side he’s been at a health retreat and it very much feels like he’s keeping tabs on me. Also he’s being super loved up and saying how much he misses me and how much he loves us. Today I text him some photos of our son in the morning then he text me saying no messages for me? And then I didn’t respond as I’m having a busy day of meetings and then he rings and he’s all annoyed and paranoid and why aren’t you phoning me. Why aren’t you missing me? Why do you never say you love me. So I told him you know why/….. because of YOUR BEHAVIOUR (I p***y footed around a bit as you know what its like talking to these men) your anger and behaviour is pushing me away and you need to work out how and if you can change this. He said he was worried about our relationship ending, and I said so am I. And he said what you’re saying our relationship is over?? He’s full of anxiety on this trip…. Not seeing it as a chance to recuperate and rest. and think about things and sort himself out (I know that is never going to happen). And of course it’s all about him and how stressed and tired he is. Never about me. I’ve been left home alone which to be honest is AMAZING.
Anyway in short I was sat on the plane about to take off home short one hour flight and as we were sitting on the runway waiting to take off and then suddenly you know we are whooshing down the runway. And I thought that’s me right now I am sitting waiting, waiting to tell him it’s over, petrified with fear to utter those words but hopefully one day soon I will be off whooshing down the runway taking off into my new life….
But I am STILL terrified of that initial step. I have no idea of what I am going to do when he comes back. He seems to be swinging between being all lovely and nice and saying how he has had a good rest and back to normal. And then paranoid and being very anxious. So if he comes back all normal I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to sleep in the same room (no abuse worries there I just don’t want to) I don’t want to be all normal…. my plan was to let things just flow for a bit and then as soon as there is the next explosion then I am saying I’m done I am off. The Lundy Bancroft book suggests doing a separation of a few months and then seeing if he is willing to change or not and if you even get a whiff of your instinct saying he won’t change then do not move back in. And no contact bar about the children. I quite like this idea. Of saying lets separate for two months I will go rent somewhere and ONLY IF YOU CHANGE is this back on. And then we meet in two months and I see where he is at (he won’t change) but by then I am in my place and then can just action proper divorce….
I’d love to just action this as soon as he gets back but I can’t see myself doing that yet at the same time I am NOT carrying this on to next year.
Three more days and he is back. wish me luck.
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30th November 2016 at 8:57 am #33571
EeyoreNoMore
ParticipantGood luck Hun! Although none of us can tell you what to do, I can reassure you that once you’re out you’ll wonder how you put up with it for so long. It ain’t all roses on this side of the garden but it sure beats the stress and anxiety on your side.
Go with your gut and do what’s right for you xx
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30th November 2016 at 9:13 am #33572
KIP.
ParticipantI separated for six months and he was a perfect gentleman. Love bombing, considerate etc. Within two weeks of moving back in he had reverted right back to his old ways. If he cannot behave by now, he never will. Get out while you can X
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30th November 2016 at 6:30 pm #33604
lilaclady
ParticipantThanks both. I just need to find the strength to actually do it. Which I know I have and I know I can’t go on like this any more. x*x
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