Time to move completely? Abusers now invading my safe home and workspaces.

[Lilycat]

Hi Ladies,

I am thinking more and more about leaving my long-term home city and starting life afresh.

I moved out of an abusive home and then one of my abusers got a job in my neighbourhood. I moved employers and now this same abuser is applying to be at my organisation.

The other abuser keeps on texting me telling me what this abuser is doing. Either they are really tactless or this is a control thing.

It seems that they are muddying my new safe spaces and making their presence felt. My city is huge- lots of jobs all over this large geography and many organisations in and around the area, but they seem to keep landing on my doorstep, quite literally.

Maybe I am over-sensitive but I feel hounded.

Should I move? Have any of you been in the same situation and taken the plunge to go elsewhere? What has setting up a new life been like? I’d love to hear your stories.

Kindest wishes and keep strong

Lilycat x

[KIP.]

Lilycat, I have struggled with this thought for the last few months. There are so many triggers around and my perp only lives a couple miles away. However, I truely believe you need a good support network around you. That is more important to help you get through. I would go total no contact with both abusers. I know how anxious it will be when you think about your abuser coming to your place or work. Perhaps a word with human resources might help. I’m standing my ground. Why should I be the one to leave. Although the courts and police don’t seem to care once they’ve dealt with an incident. There’s not much thought on prevention of future crimes. Only you will know how much you can take but moving with no support network is a bold move x

[Ayanna]

Do not give up without a fight.
But yes, if the advise you get and the support you receive are not good enough for you then a move and newstart are good options.
But then you need to make sure they do not find out where you are.
You need to make sure they cannot find you on the electoral register and also not on any employment/company list.

I have a hidden registration on the electoral register and I ensured my new address was kept hidden too. I can only hope the family court did not reveal it to him.
I am not on the internet, I deleted all my traces on google, I changed my name on fb and blocked him, I changed all my phone numbers, I have a new workplace, I am not on any company list where I can be traced.
When my situation allows it I am also going to take on a completely new surname.

[Lilycat]

Hi Ayanna,

Well done one being so thorough. That is so much effort just for the simple human right of being left to live in peace, it is a shame that many of us have to go through this.

I, too, have hidden registration on the electoral register. Given the kind of positions that I hold currently in my professional and personal life it is very difficult to hide completely. If I do a speech or something public people can talk about it on social media. It is very hard to enforce a blanket ban. So, like you, I have been contemplating a name change. But I am very reluctant to change my name as my abusers tried to make me lose my identity and sense of self. Changing my name would be a real blow because that would be a big nail in the coffin to who I identify as and what my parents named me. They are the most loving people and I am proud of being in the same family, so to have a made-up first and surname would be awful.

Sometimes I wish I had a different career. I do think of changing my name and/ or doing something that requires no profile whatsoever. I don’t enjoy being a public person because I am naturally quite shy and don’t like pretending to be a strong person all the time, but find that it helps raise awareness and knowledge of my field, and that’s something that I am passionately committed to.

Be well and be safe, Ayanna. I hope that your perp eventually leaves you alone and that you can keep your own name and live a good life without ever having to look over your shoulder in fear.

Kindest wishes

Lilycat xx

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