Tired and fearful for the future

[lost]

I dont know if anyone else has this problem. But when i try to write whats been going on i start to feel exhausted. I wish i could just blurt it all onto the page in one go. Im so so tired. Tired of being called useless and stupid and immoral and lazy and even abusive. Tired of being told im a liar and cheat and black is white and white is black. Tired of being told im a bad mum and ‘dangerous’ tired of not being allowed anything personal. diaries red. Emails read. Even phonecalls recorded. Facebook hacked. Messages sent in my name. Phones confiscated. Computers unplugged and taken away. Bills not paid. Watching him drink every night with money that is needed for bills.
I would go tomorrow but i have children and he says he will fight me for custody. Some days he says he wants joint custody. Then he says he dosnt think i deserve them at all. He has concocted a story of me being a scarlet woman cheating with everyone (detail removed by moderator). I have never cheated. nothing could be worse to me (detail removed by moderator)…but how do you prove that when he has even managed to convince his family?
(detail removed by moderator)
And the biggest gut renching heart breaking part of it is i dont think my eldest would come with me if i did go. He loves his dad. He is acting out to the point that if his dad is shouting at me calling me a cheat and liar and im just tring to get them ready for school not react and minimise it for them. My oldest tells me to stop upsetting his dad and then wont speak to me for the rest of the day. Its breaking my heart. He repeats things his dad says (detail removed by moderator) hes rude and disrepectful in a way thet is just not in his nature. I miss my little boy and im loosing him bit by bit every day.
I also have no money and no family close by. Pretty isolated thanks to him hating everyone i know so me loosi g contact. Im trying to earn money working from home. But cant get a job because hes so unpredictable i couldnt hold down my last two jobs and i cant go through that again. It destroys me to let people down and he has control of me going anywhere. Not by force but by threatening to tell people lies or take the children away while im out. So if he felt like it he would just stop me going to work.
If my son would come id just go. But i cant leave him and i have nowhere to go anyway. I know i should get a solicitor and tell them about the emotional abuse. I can probably find proof of illegal things hes done such as accessing my private emails and alpplying for credit cards in my name. And i have some diary evidence of the level of continued abuse. But what good would that do if my son would end up hating me even more. And he would. His dad would make sure of that. Has anyone come throgh the other side? Is there hope? I know i cant stay. But i know i cant go.

[Twisted Sister]

Dear lost

You ask if there is hope on the other side.

I have just read your post and the horrendous list of abuses and control s on you and your children. You ask about leaving, what definitely will happen is you and your children will be removed from that awful list of abuses.

I can’t say escaping is easy, it can all feel like an uphill fight, but what you list will stop so long as he no longer has access to you all.

You can log it with the police, log it with children’s services, speak with WA helpline who can put you in touch with local support and advise you on keeping safe.

If he notices that you are changing in your ways towards him he will fear he is losing control of you, so worth keeping yourself the same as usual around and him.

Writing it here helps to focus your mi d and process the shere hell of it.

Providing there is good support around you you can turn yours and your children’s life around, when you are not with him people will be able to see you again for who you are and you will have to block out those who have let you down in believing him.

Take care love, warmest wishes ts

[Lisa]

Hello Lost

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing what you are going through. It is no surprise that you are feeling exhausted as you are experiencing a very high level of emotional and psychological abuse. you are doing well to be functioning and taking care of your children under the circumstances.

I can hear that you are afraid of loosing your son to your partner if you leave but in some ways you are loosing him if you stay as well as it sounds like he is picking up traits of your partner by copying him and treating you in a similar way.

It is a very difficult situation but there are always options to explore and you can contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 anytime to have a chat about them and also find out about any local support services.

You deserve so much more than this, you really deserve to be respected and to be free to do things that you want, work if you want, see friends if you want.

I hope you find the forum a supportive place

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[lost]

Thank you so much for your help. Its does help feeling people are out there who know what its like. Its a wiered bubble your in when its all going on and you feel like this is normal life. It was only recently (detail removed by moderator) that i realised you dont have to feel rubbish all the time. I realised my natural state is happy not cowed and depressed and weak. It literally occupies my every waking moment not leaving time for much else. How can someone think its acceptable to call you the meanest names under the sun. Track your every move, intimidate and threaten and not think its going to destroy you as a person.
I talked to the domestic abuse helpline today. Ive been too afraid to before because i couldnt accept i was in an abusive relationship. I now know that there is no other word to call it. I AM being abused. Im now starting to get my head around options. The helpline told me that my son is reacting to me because he feels safe with me. He cant act that way to his dad but he has to have an outlet somewhere. They reassured me i was reacting in the right way. Being firm with him but not getting angry and just continuing to give him love. I had a few tears today over things my son said but in private so he didnt know. I kept firm and loving and his anger did pass and we had a lovely evening. I do see hope today. And a little bit more strength than i did yesterday. I know i need a way out but just getting my head around how to do it. Thank you again kind voices in the dark… You dont know how much it means to me to have your support..or maby you do and thats why you write. X

[lost]

Why do i ind it so hard to renember what he said. Its like a mental block. Im trying to recall what was said to me a few hours ago and its just feelings. I cant remember the words. Is that normal?. (Removed by moderator)
Basically i was trying to disciplin two of our children that were screaming at each other. (Removed by moderator)
I cant remember exactly what his dad said after that but it is basically summed up with im a bad parent. My kids cant have any contact with my family because were all nutters and he was going to get custody.
I never shouted the whole time. I talked in a firm voice but never shouted. (Detail removed by moderator) How can i parent if my every decision is questioned. And how am i going to get custordy if my childen are repeating his version of events.
I know im a good mum. I know im not perfect but he cant take away that im a good mum. I do 95% of the parenting with his 5% being fun things he wants to do with themwether they want to do it or not and the rest of the time putting down what i do. He overrides my decisions and i always have to fit my plans round him.
Im trying to bring them up to be kind courteous and respectful but hes teaching them to be disrespectful and how get anything they want.
They know when hes not here they will get consequences. Lots of love and play but consequences for bad behaiviour. When he is here they always have a daddy get out clause. Its impossible.

[lost]

Has anyone been in this situation? Did you get custordy. Will they see through what is going on and that im trying to set boundries. My son keeps saying i hit him. I dont ever hit them. He also said i drink. I dont drink.
Where is he getting these things from?
Im starting to feel i cant disciplin them because they are interperting it as being mean because thats what their dad is telling them. But they will end up ruined.
Im not strict and i have always taught them to argue their point rationally without shouting and i will always listen. Consider and then tell them why i think they cant do what they are doing. They are such bright beautiful things that sometimes they will get extra tv time or get me to make pankakes or whatever else because they argue a good point in a repectful way. Im not an ogre. I love them and i want them to be independent minded and question everything. I have always thought im making a rod for my own back because they do question everything but i love that because they usually do it in such a cheeky fun way it does sometimes make me think…’is there any reason they cant do this’ weve had some fun times when they have made a case for something i would usually say no to such as going to the park at 7pm. They say well were not tired and it is good for us to get excercise. I love them when they do this it makes me proud.
…. Oh im rambling. Im just petrified they wont want to come with me. His dad keeps saying (detail removed by moderator) Thats just not right is it….everything feels just so unfair. I cant stop crying.

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