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    • #118709
      Freedom @
      Participant

      I’m a bit confused on which approach to take.

      We have discussed separating (not for the first time by any means) and I am ready to get the ball rolling with the legal side of things/ getting house sorted/cancelling joint account and all the practical things that come with separating. I thought he was accepting it but he mentioned couples councelling (did that before, didnt work) so I feel he is back tracking already. I guess my question is do I keep moving forward myself with all the practical stuff and hope he is amicable or do I pretend I’m not making plans? A part of me wishes he would do something stupid like hit me so id have a chance to escape and do everything from a distance/different location? Does that make sense? Not sure which path to go…I just read steps to freedom by don Hennessy I can see so much of him in that abuser profile that makes me think this wont work but I have to do something.

    • #118710
      KIP.
      Participant

      You cannot untangle amicably. Abusers don’t have it in them. The best you can do is save yourself. Get all your ducks in a row. Legally financially safety wise etc and get out safely. Put yourself in the best possible position to deal with him from a distance. The very first time he abused you he gave you permission to leave. Waiting for him to assault you isnt the answer. It might make sense to you but the clever thing to do is to get out before it reaches that stage. Don’t let him know youre making plans. He will be watching you carefully. If he knows he will have the upper hand. And will definitely make things so much worse forgot. I know it won’t sit right with you but you’re not dealing with a caring rational person.

    • #118746
      SeekingPeace
      Participant

      I second what KIP states. Its impossible to untangle amicably from an abusive man.
      It was uncanny reading your situation as it sounds almost identical to my experience when I stated my marriage was over. Even though wed already discussed why couples counselling was not an option previously, he was still trying to persuade me to do this after I stated marriage over. He also wanted to sort out finances and child contact arrangements informally.
      I ended up doing the best thing I could have and would urge you to do the same. Do not get drawn into his manipulative words and persuasiveness. He just wants to control everything around separation.
      I contacted a solicitor and initiated process of separation via her. So glad I did. Of course I’ve seen his ugly side as a result. He tried to blackmail me into doing it all informally by stating that this would allow us to keep an amicable relationship, esp for the childrens sake, and that the alternative he feared would lead to long term suffering and damage to the whole family!! What a threat. I ignored it all. Please do not listen to anything he says. All he cares about is maintaining his control over you and he’ll try his hardest to do this, using a range of manipulative tactics. Stay strong and press on ahead with your solicitor by your side.
      My relationship with my husband has completely broken down but I will not take on board any guilt for that though he would try to pile all the blame on me. It is his behaviour and nobody else’s that has led to the situation we are in as a family now.

      • #118760
        KIP.
        Participant

        Those tactic you describe are exactly what my ex used. For the sake of our children, to keep it amicable (veiled threats). Things will get nasty. Solicitor would eat any money leaving me with nothing. All designed to keep control and prevent others knowing of his abuse. Nasty selfish little men. Never had a care for his children. Dragged them into the whole process and used them at every opportunity.

    • #118747
      SeekingPeace
      Participant

      I waited two years before leaving as I felt like you it would be so much easier to leave if there was an incident like him hitting me that would make me feel justified in doing so.
      Eventually I realised that I couldn’t wait for that to happen and I got myself out.
      Please don’t wait for that incident that might never happen. He won’t change and if anything is just going to get worse. In time he will destroy your soul and it will be so much harder to recover.
      Dont tell him any plans. Just make sure as KIP states that you have a safety plan in place for leaving.

    • #118759
      KIP.
      Participant

      Take a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Healing from Hidden Abuse. Both books helped me. The author Lundy Bancroft and Evan Stark have also written lots about abuse.

    • #118766
      Freedom @
      Participant

      Yes he wants to do everything informally too, no solocitors/ court “it could go on too long” he says and cost too much. Sure it’s impossible to do these things without solicitors. I’m wondering if I should bring him to court too for full custody as I’m worried what he’ll do after I see a solicitor. Were not married but I do know he has rights etc…How did you all manage that side of it. He told me before hes vindictive so I’m scared what he can do in that regard.

    • #118767
      KIP.
      Participant

      He’s trying to intimidate you. Speak to a few solicitors and don’t tell him. Most of them will do a free initial consultation. Find out what your rights are and start collecting evidence of his threats and controlling behaviour. Keep all his texts and emails and definitely keep a journal. I went to a solicitor and told him. My ex talked me out of it then assaulted me. I involved a solicitor again and am so glad I did. I got so much more than I ever thought as he had lied to me. You simply cannot negotiate. He wants you with nothing and then He will take the kids if he can just to spite you. I’m not trying to scare you and you’re definitely doing the right thing by leaving this abuser but you can be prepared and come out of this way ahead with some insight. I’d also report any abuse to your GP as documented evidence of the abuse will help your side in court if it gets that far. Your local women’s aid will support you too x

    • #118768
      Eggshells
      Participant

      It can’t be done amicably with an abuser. Mine, like KIPs used every excuse in the book; don’t involve solicitors to save money, let’s do mediation, the whole caboodle. I took advice from KIP and went straight to a solicitor. I’m so glad I did. Even through solicitors he made my life hell. Try to find a solicitor who is experienced in abuse, it will make a massive difference and in the end,possibly cost you less as they won’t allow him to waste your money unnecessarily.

    • #118770
      Freedom @
      Participant

      Thanks kip. Yes I’ve been told to keep a journal but the only evidence I have is verbal abuse and blackmail I.e I’ll kill myself if you ever leave” that kind of thing. It’s not very strong evidence as he can struggle with selective amnesia if you know what I mean. Yes he bangs doors, looks at me like hes insane but it’s only my word against his. This journey is so draining!!!

    • #118783
      GreenSapphire
      Participant

      The diary/journal is really important! Don’t underestimate the content of what you’re writing down. There is a very good reason as to why you need to be writing in it every time he does and says something nasty, unreasonable and abusive. Keep writing it, it goes in your favour x

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