To my abuser…

[Emptybutfree]

Dear ……

For a long time, I wanted answers, I wanted to know how and why you could hurt someone in the ways you have hurt me, the person you declared to ‘love’. I now know I will never get those answers, not because I don’t deserve them but because you’re incapable of giving them to me.

I’ve sat and blamed myself for years, told myself you wouldn’t of done the things you did to me if I was a better partner, a better friend to you, a better lover, a better person, maybe even a better mother. I now know this isn’t the case. I believed that I made you do the things you did, I made you hurt me, you had no other option.

I’d of walked the earth bare foot for you, you know this. But why? I can’t even answer my own question. I put up with your behaviour because I blamed myself. My eyes have been opened, you wouldn’t be in prison if I was the abuser like I spent so much time telling myself, with your help.

You’d tell me that I was such hard work, a nightmare, a psycho, not normal, controlling, a drama queen and unbearable. I’d always apologise, even when you’d make a mess out of my face, that was somehow my fault too? What did I do so bad?? Nothing.

Of course I wanted my family with you, I wanted you to love me, I wanted you to love us, I wanted you to be the best father to our child. It’s almost insulting that you tried to make me believe at times that you did love me, that you loved us. You’re not capable of it. Never have been and never will be.

I’m not happy, this isn’t what I wanted, this isn’t what I chose. I didn’t break the law, I didn’t attack you, I didn’t abuse you, I didn’t make you believe you were going mad, you did all of those things to me and much more. I didn’t take our child away from you, you took yourself away. You thought I was going to be there forever and put up with your behaviour, I’m not, I wasn’t, I’m worth so much more than that.

I always thought you’d learnt from the past, that things would eventually get better, you gave me glimmers of hope, it was all a lie. There was no hope. I always thought you’d put me through enough, you couldn’t possibly hurt me anymore, with your actions, mind games or your hands, but you did.

I’m free from being trapped in a vicious cycle of life with you, questioning who and what I became.

I love the fake you, so much… the charming, affectionate and loving man, the man I really thought you were, the man I held on to for so long… Not the lying, cheating and violent coward, the real version of you.

You hurt me, so bad. In every way you could imagine. I questioned my sanity, lied about injuries all over my body, pretended we had the perfect relationship… I was embarrassed first and foremost but I really thought you’d change, now when I reflect on that, you did never and will never change, because worryingly, in your opinion, the way you behave is acceptable.

I don’t wish you a bad life, but I wish you the life you deserve, whatever that may be.

Thank you for some of the best lessons I could of learnt, thank you for making me soul search so hard that I’ve realised what a beautiful, forgiving and kind human being I am.

You will never hurt me again – you no longer have that power.

[Cantmakedecisons]

You made me cry.. well done on such beautiful and truthful words.x

[Lisa]

Hi Emptybutfree,

What you have just written is beautiful and will be so meaningful to so many.
As tragic as it reads, it’s also uplifting and inspirational.
Thank you for posting this.
All the best,

Lisa

[Weemebreeze]

Tears rolling down my face. It’s as if I wrote that – I can relate to every single word. Thank you ❤️

[nbumblebee]

Wow. ❤

[Author]

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