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I’ve been awake again hours, going over everything everybody has said, implied & done. During years of being with a serious abuser, since I managed to get away, all the dreadful things that have happened to me & my son. Today is going to be positive. I am going to put the washing machine on, clean the house with cleaning products, I am going to be messaging so called friends to inform them that their opinions are no longer welcome, that this is my life & that in my opinion they need to take a long hard look at their own before they pass any future judgements. I may also remind them of how unloyal they have been, that next time they have problems to not bother calling me as I have massive problems of my own. I am going to point out from now on all their flaws, tell them I’m not being funny but I think your parenting skills suck, You know what I think I may have turned a corner because I am going to be me. It is ok to be seriously ill with my nerves, it is ok my adult son is feeling the same, we have been to hell & back. I do not have one single jealous bone in my body, But I am so proud of who I am because whilst I struggle to go from day to day wondering how the heck I will find the strength to survive, I was never too weak to admit how broken I have been. I have listened to the opinions of others who had no idea of the further damage they were causing by sitting on their moral Hugh ground thinking they had the right to put me down further. I am going to not beg for their understanding ever again because they do not understand & it is as simple as that. I don’t need their approval nor does my adult son. This is our lives not theirs. The only reason they still keep contact is to put their oar in. I am going to be myself, why should I justify years of serious abuse to anyone, Those who knew then sided with the abuser by listening to his lies are not friends at all. I know a lot about these people and they’re moral Hugh ground is so false, I’ve allowed them to put me down further, The very people I helped so much over the years. I now think I see the light, there’s a long way to go but I can see it. Strength needed, massive strength needed but anyone who pretends to care & I know does not, bye bye to them, It was nice knowing you, But sorry you judged me at the most desperate & vulnerable time of my life xx
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Hi Blueberry,
I hope you managed to have your positive day and be led by what makes you happy; if you didn’t, just try again tomorrow! What you have said about your experiences with others is something that unfortunately many survivors go through. Sadly many people do not understand the complexities of domestic abuse and this can lead them to provide unhelpful and unsafe opinions and advice. Many survivors find themselves re-evaluating relationships with friends and family and it often becomes necessary to detach from some people.
It sounds like you’re really accepting yourself and how you are feeling at the moment- which is so positive. Keep on being you!
Lisa
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Hi Lisa, Thank You, I didn’t get the washing done as it rained all day. I did a little bit of cleaning but soon felt exhausted as my anxieties are sky high, I sprayed lots of air freshener as wasn’t allowed to use that. I had a nice surprise as an old school friend has come to visit me, She knew me from a very young age, so it has been good getting some positive accounts of remembering who I am, she has been utterly shocked to see how much of a shell I am of who I was. I shake loads & even my voice wobbles, there are so many triggers, for example we were talking to a neighbour who started talking about a subject that was too close to home, I could feel myself instantly tense up & had to quickly change the subject. I fight it so hard to keep positive, but in truth I still can’t get through a day without the awful panic. It feels like I’m living in the wrong world, like I am me, but just not in the right world. I’ve never felt like this in my life, I didn’t understand anything about the aftershocks and I knew how long I’d been living in a feeling of desperation but I never in a million years expected to end up so seriously ill. I just desperately want to get better, I’d love to live a normal life, but am so scared he’s pushed my health to a level that I am doubtful of ever being the whole me again x
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The aftermath is so hard. It takes is by surprise and we wonder if we will ever feel normal again. You are out now and your body and mind is processing everything. It is exhausting. In time it does get better and you will feel like yourself in your own world again. It takes time. Be kind to yourself.
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Hi, I am relieved when I hear that what I am feeling is normal, even though it is horrible and not the me I want to be xx
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Fantastic, Blueberry.
Keep thinking like that every day: that you deserve to be happy and are entitled to do whatever makes you happy.
Don’t feel deflated if you didn’t manage to do all you hoped, or if you get times where you feel panicky and anxious. It’s typical PTSD. As a sufferer, I can say it does lessen its hold gradually over time. You even learn to cope better with the triggers.
Have you read the book ‘ pundaries After A Pathological Relationship’ by Adelyn Birch? It’s a great little book. It says how we need to get so good at setting our boundaries that it becomes second nature.
I found a quote which I have stuck above my work desk:
“Today I am determined to
stay positive and focused,
even when my emotions try
to pull me down. Even when
other people cause me pain
and frustration. Even when
things don’t go exactly as
planned. I am in control of
my happiness, and today I
intend to be the Master of
my life. “ -
Detaching from people has been the hardest part for me but somehow one of the most necessary things. People say they we shouldn’t expect people to take sides – screw that! If someone can see what I have become after the treatment I received from him and still want to be his friend then you are No friend of mine. Likewise, if you expect me to bounce back and ‘cheer up’ after 5 minutes I don’t need you in my life. Downside is, life is very isolated but at least it’s not negative, right?
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