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    • #65595
      Raincloud
      Participant

      Hi everyone,

      This is the first time I am posting a message on here. I left a very toxic and abusive relationship this year, it has been very hard and some days I honestly do not know where I get my strength from. Well I do, my two children.

      Most of the time I feel okay as I push all of the bad things to the back of my mind and carry on my life as if nothing has happened and then I have days like I am having today where I sit, I cry and I overthink the entire relationship. I feel hopeless and I feel like the thoughts wont go away until I process everything properly. I am looking into counselling to try and cope. Has anyone had counselling?

      I often find myself thinking about past events and trying to work out things in my own head. I find myself second guessing myself and really reliving all of the horrible things that have happened during the relationship and the continued abusive behaviour since leaving. I feel up tight all of the time, I feel nervous when I am alone in my home with my two children. I barely sleep at night, 2/3 hours a night. I am scared he is going to turn up (like he does) and I call the police. (I am currently keeping a diary of all of the texts, emails, visits etc). I am nervous all of the time, its as if I am waiting for something to happen or thinking what is going to happen next. I live my life constantly in fear that I will come face to face with him. I haven’t seen him properly since I left him, communication for the children is via others. I do not feel physically or mentally strong enough as I am scared to death that I will go back to him. I still love him, of course I do but I hate him for what he has done and continues to do without taking any responsibility for his actions.

      On bad days, I find myself blaming myself and I feel guilty (stupidly) that my children have lost contact with their Dad. He see’s them once a week at the moment, and he can see them as and when another adult is present to facilitate contact he just doesn’t. My eldest often comes home with a story that has been told to her about why Daddy cannot come home. (Because I won’t let him and I don’t love him anymore – is usually the story). I have contacted the health visitors to ask for advice on what I can do to protect the children from being emotionally abused by him.

      I am due to start the Freedom Programme when it starts in my local area, which isn’t for a little while.

      Does any one have any recommendations or advice on coping mechanisms?

      Thank you for listening to me!

    • #65598
      Tiffany
      Participant

      Start by changing your phone number and only give the new number to people you can trust not to share it. Not jumping every time I got a text incase it was him was huge relief to me once I did that. It sounds like you are doing most things right. But it is hard. I hope the freedom program helps.

    • #65609
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      I’m quite pro meds and when I couldn’t sleep I went to my GP and got sleeping pills. Oohh that what good, at least I could sleep. It made a huge difference in the day too. I was rested and with that anxiety was reduced as well.
      Get back your sleep somehow.

    • #65618
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Raincloud

      Welcome to the forum. You have done so well to get to the stage where you have managed to end the relationship and are living apart. Its completely normal to be as anxious as you are if he is still in contact and turns up at your house.

      You might want to look into getting a non molestation order if you do not have one in place already, by having one it would mean that it would be an arrestable offence for him to continue doing what he is currently doing and would give the police more power to stop him. You can contact DV Assist for help and information about these injunctions http://www.dvassist.org.uk/.

      You could also contact your local DV support service to ask if they offer counselling and find out about any other services they have which may be a support to you. You can find your local service details here https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

      Take care and keep posting

      Lisa

    • #65893
      thelightinme
      Participant

      Hi all. I have been reading about Raincloud. I’m still working on my safety plan to get out. Tomorrow I’m hoping to close a deal for a house to rent, as long as I get there before a couple who is also interested. Today I feel so so low. He’s still living here, so he’s at his best, with me, the children, everything. Then I look around and I see my lovely house in chich I’ve invested so much time, love and effort. And I’m going to have to leave one day with the children in secret. It’s a horrible feeling. Because I know this is the only way I can end the relationship. He won’t leave or cooperate with anything. Then he’s saying he admits and retreats the emotional abuse, he’ll never be that man again, he’s starting counselling tomorrow… But my gut feeling tells me he won’t change. So here I am, broken inside. My house will be left to be forced to be sold badly. For a vet low price I guess. I’ll be financially very vulnerable on my own when th my 3 children. My whole world around me ending. I’m scared he’ll find out about my plan. I’m scared not to have the strength to carry this through.

    • #65894
      KIP.
      Participant

      Your house is just bricks and mortar. Your home is where you’re children are and should be safe and warm. You can make a new home for you. Like a blank page. There is lots of help out there for you. Try Rights for Women for free legal advice, speak to a solicitor. The courts can force the sale of your home if he drags things out. He won’t change so,you need to take control and make your move. Have you considered an occupation order so you and the kids can stay in the home. If it’s too dangerous then at least if you rent elsewhere he has no rights and you can call the police if he turns up. Don’t tell him the address. You can do this.

    • #65898
      thelightinme
      Participant

      Solicitor and my local women’s aid group advised me to leave instead of doing occupation order. I guess this is the most straight forward way to gain control. Once I have a moving out date I must tell solicitor who will tie in 2 orders connected to child arrangements, can’t remember name of orders now…

    • #65900
      thelightinme
      Participant

      That’s it, child arrangement order and prohibited steps order

    • #65901
      thelightinme
      Participant

      Thank you for your replies kip

    • #66603
      Raincloud
      Participant

      Thank you to everyone who replied to my original message and thelightinme how is your situation now?

      The last couple weeks have been very tough for me personally, however feeling more positive today and with the support of close family and friends I know this will soon be a distant memory.

      Sending hugs to everyone x

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