Told him I want to split… Feel terrible

[Eustacia Vye]

I’ve recently admitted to myself that my marriage has become psychologically and emotionally abusive since we had our child. I would’ve left ages ago if it wasn’t for the fact I didn’t want to spilt up our family. I finally worked up the courage to say to my husband (timeframe removed by Moderator) that I wanted us to split, that I couldn’t do it anymore. The straw that broke the camel’s back was a tirade (timeframe removed by Moderator) where he repeatedly told me that I’m an absolutely horrible person, there is nothing nice about my personality at all, I need to completely change who I am, I’m an absolute a******e, a total b***th and that splitting up isn’t an option and he’d make me miserable for another (number removed by Moderator) years if it meant not splitting up our family for the sake of our son, I’m a vile bully etc. A few days later he said he was sorry, didn’t mean them and was very low at the time. I said I didn’t know whether I could take anymore and he talked me into saying I’d give our relationship one more go (this is after years of trying to make things work, including marriage counselling). I knew in my heart I didn’t mean this and just couldnt stop thinking about all the insults, gaslighting and monitoring of my behaviour in the house. I’m constantly on eggshells and have to do things a certain way otherwise I get an earful.

Problem is, since I told him I can’t stop feeling awful that I’ve done something wrong. I’m a Catholic and marriage vows are not something I ever thought I’d break in my life. When I told him, he went between begging me not to do this, telling me I’ve ruined his life and he hates me, threats/insults then crying and saying sorry and that he’d never speak to me badly again. I’m so torn as the reason this has taken me so long to do in the first place is I didn’t want to split things up for our child. He’s a brilliant, caring dad and does most of the weekday childcare while I work full time (an arrangement he begged for as he hates working). I can’t stop thinking I made a vow, and he isn’t mentally well at the moment following a close family bereavement (which I have also had after suddenly losing my (relation removed by Moderator) a few months ago). I just feel so awful. I can’t bear the thought of being away from my child even for one night.

[Eustacia Vye]

Child (timeframe removed by Moderator) said “I miss my daddy” as we spent the (number removed by Moderator) night apart at a family member’s. Just feel so guilty.

[Marmalade]

Please see a solicitor so that you know what is likely to happen on a divorce. If he is the main child carer then it is likely he will get at least 50/50 childcare. As the sole breadwinner for the family there are some financial risks you will need to discuss with a solicitor to see if they apply to you. If he doesn’t work, as is a stay at home dad, then, depending on your financial circumstances, there may be a risk you have to pay him maintenance. The starting point of 50/50 assets may be affected if his needs as main childcarer are greater.

See a solicitor who does Family Law. Take a list of all the financial information and a list of questions so that you can make best use of the appointment time. Get all your ducks in a row so that you have all the information you need.

Good luck.

[Eustacia Vye]

Thank you. I’ve booked in an appointment with a solicitor. Because he says “I’ve ruined his pension” he’s going to go back up to full time working immediately and that we’ll just have to put our child in nursery for more hours.

 

I just keep asking myself if I’m wrong not to give our marriage one last go.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I’ve just been doing a freedom course and last week was spent talking about parenting. The group leader/counselor spent time talking about how it’s really a contradiction in terms to be a good father when you’re abusing the child’s mother.
I think it’s a good point.

Some of the ladies there talked about how their children had picked up on so much more than they had realised, and that after leaving, they had looked back and felt  rather saddened and ashamed that they’d thought they were fooling anybody by playing‘happy families’ for all those years.

If you can, maybe it would be worth trying to contact a domestic violence support group or phoning an advice line and talking through some of these issues. X

I really feel for you it sounds like a difficult time. I do hope you can find a way out.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Eustacia Vye,

I can relate to the angst you’re feeling. I too am a traditional Catholic, and really battled with having married an abuser and my religious beliefs of marriage being for life;  and that children needed both a mother and a father in their upbringing.

Being on the receiving end of the abusive behaviour yet wanting to do God’s will I was so torn. I couldn’t end my marriage because of these beliefs. But I was getting support and I was being honest with these supports about what was happening so I was changing, so luckily he discarded me by looking for a legal separation. Of course he was going for full custody of my children, with him living in the house and me gone. Anyway he didn’t get his way in the end. Anyway all I can say is my children and I are thriving many years later through me being separated from him. He was bullying one child and alienating me against the others. He has gone into another relationship (as they do) but I won’t and that’s me honouring my marriage vow. Unbeknownst to myself as I married him I did not realise that he did not have my best interests at heart and would eventually show himself to have contempt for me and he was ruthless and out to destroy me with no care for his children or I. So glad I got away.

[InShock]

I’m also a Christian and I’m devastated.. never thought this would happen to me as I was so careful who to let into my life. Ex-H was Christian too but turned out to be a huge bigot and abuser. Regarding marriage vows, I don’t think they hold up if you’ve been abused..The abuser has broken the covenant.

[Author]

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