This topic contains 17 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  KIP. 2 weeks, 3 days ago.

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  • #86432
     Anonymous

    Hi everyone x
    I’m new here. I’m glad I found this forum as it’s been giving me comfort this past month or so.
    (detail removed by moderator) I told my husband I wanted us to separate. His moodiness and our constant bickering has driven a wedge between us and I no longer want to stay in a relationship with him.
    He has always given me the silent treatment whenever we’ve argued and it’s always been me to make the first move and usually apologise (most of the time I never knew what for)
    Recently it’s got worse, he’ll ignore me even when our children are in the room and I’m trying to ask him direct questions. He won’t look at me which I take as disrespectful.
    About (detail removed by moderator) after yet another disagreement he ignored me for a week. I’m afraid that I gave him an easy way out, he took it and things seemed okay again until last night. I had just put my young daughter to bed, the windows and doors were all open it being a warm evening. Her bedroom is (detail removed by moderator).
    Yet again, he was moody. I asked what was wrong, all I got (and ever get) is ‘nothings wrong’ I kept on and asked if he was happy and that we could get help to sort out our relationship if he wanted a future together. I got the response (detail removed by moderator) I tried saying that it could be if we both wanted to work at it but I got resistance and/or a total blank.
    I then decided in that second I’d had enough, I had thought about things over the past week but I was now sure I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I told him so.
    I got a barage of verbal abuse with him blaming me for his moodiness and unhappiness. I was called the C word more times than I can remember. He said all this was my fault, I’m an unfit mother (no idea where that’s come from as I’m a stay at home mum at the moment and all my time is devoted to them) and that I’ll get nothing even though we both own the house. He was shouting and swearing at me. I don’t know how I kept my calm and I repeatedly asked him to stop swearing and keep his voice down as our daughter could hear but he didn’t, if anything he did it more.
    My fears were confirmed today when my daughter told me she’d heard daddy shouting naughty words and why was he doing it. I tried to explain that he was unhappy but it broke my heart to hear her talk like that. He had gone out when we all woke this morning, he had slept down on the sofa and I’ve not heard from him or know where he is. My daughter is asking if he’s coming home, I just don’t know what to say.
    He has always thought that money will solve most things, buying presents and giving money to me and my family. I have never once asked him for any for myself or asked to be bought anything. Sadly, that means that he has on the most part paid for almost everything – mortgage bills petrol food although I have worked and contributed to them all in the past, just not as much as him. I’m scared I’ll lose my home and don’t know how I’ll cope financially.
    I’m dreading him coming back to the house later today…he wont stay away as he thinks this is his house. I’m almost scared, last night he threatened to punch me so hard my teeth would be pushed to the back of my head. He’s never physically hurt me in the past.
    I went out in the car last night to get away from the abuse for a while and he said he hoped I’d crash and die. I dont know what I’ve done to deserve this, all I’ve done is bring his children into the world, care for them and keep an lovely home.
    I’m sorry for the long post, I feel better just typing it all out x x

     

  • #86434
     KIP. 
    Participant

    This is the most dangerous time for you. Please find your local women’s aid for support. Ring the police and report his threatening behaviour. Just to have it on record. Get a free initial consultation with a solicitor and find out about an occupation order to have him removed from the marital home. It won’t work with you both under the same roof. Ring 999 if he threatens you again. Don’t underestimate him, this isnwhen violence starts, when he can’t manipulate you in other ways x

  • #86435
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    KIP is right. This is a very dangerous situation for you Littleproblem and your daughter. Please call the helpline for advice, and make your plan to leave as soon as possible. In my experience things do not get better, only worse. The fact he has threatened you with violence is serious, you need to be safe and away from him. Please keep posting and let us know how you’re doing xx

  • #86438
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Also, don’t believe a word he says. He will keep changing the goal posts till he manipulates and bullies you into backing down. Don’t tell him you’re leaving. Do it in secret x

  • #86440
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Can you leave the key inside the door so he can’t get in and ring the police? It sounds awful and putting you in a state of fear and distress is a crime. If you can get a witness or a recording it will help with your evidence for the police or solicitor. It doesn’t matter how much he had contributed, you gave up career prospects to stay at home and should be compensated for that. You will probably find you’re entitled to a lot more than he says. My ex threatened to leave me with nothing, I’m sitting in our matrimonial home so get the facts from a professional first.

  • #86443
     Escapee 
    Participant

    Hey little problem,

    You situation sounds very similar to mine but without the little one.

    Kip and hunky dory are so right and I really value their advice. I’ve only been posting for a few weeks and the support is amazing.

    Women’s aid have also been absolutely brilliant and I will leaning on them quite heavily in the weeks to come as I start over.

    You are entitled to at least 50 percent if not more – don’t listen to him.

    I hope you’re ok (as ok as these situations leave us!) and you and your little girl are safe xx

  • #86457
     Anonymous

    Hi to you all and thank you for replying to my post x
    I can’t believe he would actually hurt me, I’m finding it hard to realise that I’ve been in a verbally abusive relationship let alone a physical one.
    He came home earlier this evening. I could smell alcohol on him even though I wasn’t close. He walked in with his earphones in. My children went up to him to say hi, he didn’t even say hello or acknowledge them. That broke my heart. He sat in front of the tele (with his earphones still in) whilst I bathed and put them to bed. How can he do this to them?
    I can’t wait for tuesday as he will go to work and I can start to contact people and make the necessary arrangements to separate from him so my kids and I can at least be happy in our own home xx

  • #86472
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    Hi.

    Please be wary of him and keep yourself safe. I too thought he’d never be violent and learned that wasn’t the case when he found out I really did mean that we were over.

    I was sorry to read that he ignored the children too. That’s awful behaviour because things aren’t going his way, to take it out on everyone else.

    I hope you can stay safe over the coming days. Keep posting, we’re here to support you through this.

  • #86482
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    He sounds so like my husband with the blanking for days. I just used to enjoy the peace & quiet but being like that with children is downright nasty. I never thought it would escalate to the level it did. I was still in denial it had ever started to be physical and that every time was the last time he’d do it. The fact he could have killed me that night was the wake up call I needed and I was lucky that he went so quickly and is now many miles away. Please keep yourself and your child safe xx

  • #86518
     Anonymous

    Just an update on things. He again slept on sofa last night, was here when we (me and kids) got up. He went upstairs, had a shower and packed a suitcase. I was not expecting that.
    I had a horrible feeling he might just walk out without explaining to our daughter (other is too young to understand) so I went upstairs and quietly asked him if we could talk to her together and explain what was happening. Well yet again I got abuse thrown at me such as how it was nothing to do with me, she is his daughter and he wanted to talk to her alone to tell her the truth. I asked him calmly not to say anything nasty about me as it would hurt her unnecessarily. Whilst they were in her room talking I was petrified he would tell her it was all my fault that he was leaving. I don’t actually know what he said even now as I didn’t want to push my daughter. Needless to say she was upset and has been asking questions all day about why daddy can’t live with us anymore. I’ve tried explaining as best I can but I think she’s totally heartbroken.
    I also incredibly worried that he’s gone to his parents as is scheming to get me out of the house and or make the situation worse than it needs to be purely out of spite. I’ve contacted a mediation service that will hopefully reply tomorrow as theres no way he’ll sit down and talk sensibly about what’s best for the children. I doubt he will even turn up to the mediation meeting.
    I’m so scared right now, my life has come crashing down and I’m sitting here alone with my children in bed feeling incredibly sad and lonely. I hope I’ve done the right thing xx

  • #86523
     KIP. 
    Participant

    You have absolutely done the right thing but you haven’t heard the last of him. He can legally walk straight back in the door and my gut tells me that’s exactly what he will do. While he is out the home I’d get an occupation order preventing his return. Change the locks. I’ve heard so many times these men return meaning you and your children will have to leave or put up with more abusive behaviour. Ring the helpline number on here for advice. Trust your gut.

  • #86533
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    I’m glad to hear he’s gone. Don’t feel bad about your daughter, you are keeping her safe, she will understand that in time.

    Kip is right. If he’s taken keys, get the locks changed straight away, and get an occupation order. In the meantime it may be worth speaking to the police domestic violence unit. Just call 101 and ask for them. Tell them your abusive partner has left and you feel unsafe. They should be able to come out and look around the house to give you some tips on keeping it secure.

    If he doesn’t turn up to discuss arrangements for contact with the children he’s not doing himself any favours.

    It may feel as if your life has crashed around you, but you can now make an oasis of peace for yourself and the children.

  • #86548
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Littleproblems,

    I just wanted to say please do try the helpline as soon as you get a safe time to talk. Perhaps you can put a movie on for the children this morning and give them a ring. They will help you to feel clearer about your options so that you can consider your next steps in a safe way.

    You have been so brave. Try not to worry about him explaining things to the children. At the moment they only need to know the bare minimum which can be something like ‘Mummy and Daddy haven’t been happy and so they are considering how they can be happier which will make life happier for you’. They do not need to know any further details and it might be worth you thinking about him not having contact with the children until you feel confident that he wouldn’t try to keep them to hurt you or that he won’t say anything to confuse and upset them.

    Your local Women’s Aid group can help you too. Please find them at – https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

    He has threatened you so you could speak to the Police on 101 who can offer you advice and support and The National Centre for Domestic Violence can help you to get an injunction out against you which will hopefully help you feel less frightened – http://www.ncdv.org.uk

    Keep posting to let us know how you are. We are all here for you.

    Best wishes,

    Lisa
    Forum Moderator

  • #86589
     Anonymous

    I am so grateful to you all for your help and advice.
    I have reported the threat to the police and they now have it on file. I also went to my gp today to do the same thing but mainly to voice my concerns over the future mental health of my children. I suffer with depression and anxiety but I’m feeling okay at the moment. Who knows how I’ll be next week after its sunk in more. My gp said they are there for support if I need them which was great to hear.
    I have also contacted my local womens aid but they are yet to reply. I’ve been reading lots online about claiming some benefits to help me and my children but my main worry is our home.
    Everytime I hear a car outside I think its him coming back as I know he will it’s just an question of when. He’s probably been brewing up some scheme to try and get me out and I’m dreading how his parents will be towards me. They have never been anything other than lovely to me but I feel his mum especially has a mean streak and will cause trouble.
    I cant change the locks,I just cant bring myself to do it. We have 3 separate doors and it would cost a small fortune which I cant afford anyway

  • #86606
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Leave the keys inside the locks in the doors so he can’t get in. Once he’s in you will be homeless with your kids or you will stay and his abuse will get so much worse, even in front of your children. My ex tried to make my son and I homeless. They just don’t care about the welfare of their children. They want control back at any cost. Get some legal advice about an occupation order. My advice is to act fast while he is no longer there and save yourself a lot of pain and trouble in the future. You’d then be coming from a position of control at least over the home. Don’t underestimate him. He can move right back in and make your life hell until you have no choice but to leave.

  • #86651
     Rainbowcloud 
    Participant

    He sounds like such a horrible man his tactics mirror my partners and many others on here. Stay strong now he will try and wheedle his way back at some point more then likely. Well done I am proud of you

  • #86854
     Anonymous

    He phoned the house on (detail removed by moderator) and I got my daughter to answer. She was happy to have spoken to her dad. He mentioned to her that he’d see her (detail removed by moderator) so when he did come over (detail removed by moderator) at least I was sort of expecting him. I had locked the doors and left the key in so that he couldn’t just walk in. I’m not sure if this annoyed him or not. He never said a word to me, ignored me totally. I still don’t know what’s actually happening…he just spent (detail removed by moderator) or so talking to the kids, he went upstairs (no idea what for, probably to check there wasn’t another man in the house knowing him) then left. He asked my daughter if she wanted to go out (detail removed by moderator)  she said yes so I’ve texted him this morning to ask him what time he’s coming over.
    Theres just nothing there. I’ve no idea what’s happening, it’s as if he’s bideing his time for something. I’ve got an appt soon to see about claiming some benefits, also I’m going to see a solicitor to get legal advice. I do know that he cannot make me leave, I feel strong with him out of the house, I just hope he doesn’t come back as he can legally.

     

  • #86859
     KIP. 
    Participant

    In my opinion he will simply move back in. He’s waiting for you to change your mind and beg him to come back. Please please get something legal in place as soon as possible. I’ve seen it so many times when these men return, the abuse gets worse and the woman is eventually forced to leave simply to stay safe and protect the children because he will abuse the children in front of you just to upset you. Don’t involve him at all. Cut him right out the loop. If he hasn’t made any definite plans with his child then ignore him. He wants you running after him. It’s his way of taking back the power and control. Ignore and get on with planning your safe future. Ring the helpline on here for advice and support and ring the police if he kicks off. Keep your mobile on you at all times and when he arrives set it to record everything x

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