This topic contains 25 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by  lover of no contact 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #96662
     Whatislove 
    Participant

    It’s finally going to happen. After the last physical outburst I couldn’t take anymore. Iv posted before about this. My escape plan happens tomorrow to safely get him out of the house. My family will then come over & will stay with me, then i go no contact. After that, pretty much immediately I start divorce proceedings. I have the appointment already set up. It’s weird being at home knowing this will all happen. For the past few weeks Iv grieved the good/calm bits & im strangely ready this time. I’ve gone back so many times before that I’ve briefed my family on how they’ll have to keep me safe from myself as well as him. The big thing I’ll have to work on is not feeling guilty for doing normal stuff, just living. How weird to feel guilty for that. But each time I leave I do. I just pray I can do this this time without breaking. I broke so hard the other times. Anyway, tomorrow. Tomorrow I start my life again.

  • #96663
     Landy 
    Participant

    I’m so happy for you. I totally get the guilt thing though. But I got so much pleasure out of ridiculous things. Watching what I wanted on TV, having my lovely old red kettle on the stove (he absolutely hated that for reasons I’ve never understood), sleeping in the bed (I’d been sleeping on the settee for months, even though the house and everything in it was mine).

    Tomorrow will be nerve wracking, but it’s the first day of the rest of your life. Let’s us know how you get on. Be safe x

  • #96664
     Whatislove 
    Participant

    Just to follow up on this, on how it is at home. Apparently I’m cold & he’s so tired of it. (detail removed by moderator) he shouted at me because I asked one innocent question. All day after it was him telling me how awful I am because I caused that to happen. I told him in a message “look, I don’t want to fight so have a good day” – in so many words. Again, I’m being cold. I get home from work, clean the house, cook a nice dinner, I’m in a good mood. He’s passive aggressive. I ask him what’s up & he sites today’s argument & something about last night. I have no idea what was wrong last night. Apparently I was horrible to him because I spent too long settling the kids & then I was tired & went to sleep (I’m assuming that he’s insinuating I didn’t have sex with him- I haven’t for a while because I’m afraid of him). So yeah. Total bliss this relationship for me. Not for poor him. The victim. I’m being sarcastic of course. If I don’t put an x on the end of a text or ask him a question I get the day from hell. If he physically assaults & traumatises me I’m supposed to run into his arms because any other response would be an overreaction. Total logic. So ready for tomorrow. The fog has totally lifted.

  • #96665
     Whatislove 
    Participant

    Thank you Landy. I remember those moments from leaving before. I think the hard part for me was adjusting to this weird emptiness where once there was constant drama. I feel stronger this time. He is going to kick off big time. Thank god Iv got a family member (I’ll just call him Uncle Buck on here) who has decided to get involved & be my saviour! He’s being very strong & giving me deadlines to work to to do this. (He’s an older family member not a romantic interest just to clarify.) He used to work for social services so totally understands & is giving me stark but sound advice on how this will impact on my children if I stay.

  • #96668
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Good luck for tomorrow ❤️ I’m assuming uncle buck knows that your going to have trauma bond withdrawals xx this is the barrier I think most of the time to getting the support you need. He sounds clued up your lucky 😘 it took me a few weeks to stop pining but it will ease xx keep strong and see it through so what you have to do 🤛 strength💪 To you xx ❤️

  • #96672
     Whatislove 
    Participant

    Hi [email protected] – you’ve been so supportive all the way through this. Thank you. I have explained how Iv felt before. The trauma bond. He has instructed other female family members that they must stay with me & the girls for the foreseeable future until I am over the worst. The trauma bond is the bit I’m dreading getting through as it makes me stubborn, a liar, a person who feels so strongly that this is all wrong & I must protect the fantasy, I must protect him. It’s totally strange to have so much logic & knowledge & then to go through this bit. If I feel the urge to turn back at the moment I keep telling myself “it’s just the trauma bond” which keeps me grounded. I know it’s going to be s**t. And I wasn’t ready for that before. Now I’m like- bring it on! I cannot live with a man who can hurt me or tell me I’m a piece of s**t because I’m crying. I cannot expect my kids to grow up in a house like that. I just can’t. So sadness, grief, bond or not, I just have to do this. The old me would do this. And she’s still in there. Screaming to get out.

  • #96674
     Whatislove 
    Participant

    Any suggestions on how to get through the trauma bond on a postcard please 😬

  • #96679
     lover of no contact 
    Participant

    One Day at a Time. That’s all you have to deal with your feelings. When your feelings from the trauma bond get intense we are here for you to support you. With a strict no contact regime you’d be surprised how quickly you may move through the trauma bond.

    Good luck tomorrow and remember head over heart. And logic over emotions. You are so brave ; I wish I’d be as aware as you are when my children were small and did what ur were doing. But my fog hadn’t lifted til they were older and more damage was done as a consequence.

  • #96682
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    Wow brilliant I’m really happy for you! How wonderful your uncle Buck sounds, what a star! And a lovely supportive family who know the signs and will keep you safe – from yourself as well as him.

    I hope it all goes to plan, look forward to your new life now. Keep posting to let us know how you are and if you start feeling the pull again.. we’ll help you through it xx

  • #96691
     Hetty 
    Participant

    Sending you so much luck and love for today. Please let us know how you are. Thinking of you ❤️

  • #96692
     KIP. 
    Participant

    It sounds like you have finally reached your ‘enough is enough’ moment. For me it was reporting to the police and the bail conditions and then a restraining order that saved me from going back. It was like I burned bridges so I couldn’t cross them again. Ask yourself what bridge you have to burn and be strong enough to burn them.

    Perhaps a list of all the things he has done to you and how they have made you feel. Learn all about abusive behaviour. Read Living with the Dominator and definitely get the support from women’s aid. Hold onto the worse thing he ever did to you and push it to the front when you falter. Imagine him doing these things to someone you love. You can do this, you’re stronger than you know x

  • #96693
     TheHopeThatKillsYou 
    Participant

    All the luck, love and strength for today. If you can, please keep us posted, will be thinking of you x x

  • #96694
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    I got through this part by keeping really busy feeling physically tired by walking-I’d go to the beach as it made me feel calm. If I got anxiety I’d count in my head till the pining stopped. It’s abit like labour! Don’t laugh but it comes and goes in waves so prepare fir that wave. I got up each morning and counted my blessings my family my home. I held on to knowing my future would be better than my past. I read feel the fear and do it anyway xx the one thing I still hold on to is knowing you and all off us still have integrity- they can strip our self esteem but they can never take our integrity away xx

  • #96695
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Can I say too a few months off no contact I was away on holiday with family and friends. I did so many things I could never have done whilst with him. I had a real feeling off being free again and slowly the old me reappeared xx it will be the same for you. You are doing this the right way. Xx 😘

  • #96732
     Whatislove 
    Participant

    Thank you everyone. I’m touched. Really. I plan to take into account all of your comments whilst getting through this.

    Step 1,2 & 3 is done. He’s out of the house. Iv lied & told him police are coming to question me as someone reported something (it’s happened before so them attending isn’t unusual & I get left to downplay everything whilst he hides somewhere). Family will be over soon so then we break the news & I go no contact. I’m bricking it. Feel sick. I can feel my trauma bond alter-ego clawing to protect what we’ve had. But I’m pushing on ahead regardless. The truth can’t be ignored this time. But s**t, I know I’m going to suffer for the foreseeable future until I’m unbonded & have healed a bit. He’s just a man. It’s just a ridiculous bond. He doesn’t define me. I can’t be with a man who’s so cruel. I keep telling myself this stuff. I’m so strong. I went through worse than this as a child. Iv overcome so much & im still a happy, nice, empathetic, kind person who loves life. I deserve so much more. Come on brain. You’ve gotta win this one for once.

  • #96734
     KIP. 
    Participant

    He will totally expect to wear you down just like before so zero contact is absolutely vital. Block him on everything and if he persists then call the police. I’d ring them anyway and let them know what’s happening so they can come quickly if you need them x you can do this, you deserve so much more x

  • #96735
     Hetty 
    Participant

    Keeping going. You’ve come so far. You can do this. Keep focused on that happy peaceful life. I’m still making my plans with such a heavy heart but like you I keep going knowing that there’s no going back. You deserve to be happy and you’re almost there ❤️

  • #96736
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Just keep going day to day now the days will turn to weeks and so on with every day this bond will break xx it did for all off us x I look back and think my ex who? He is no one now xx no one who matters and remember too he will go but You’ll have the opportunity to bring all the good loving people around you and that’s all that matters 🥰 your doing great ❤️ Make sure you try to rest – and drink lots of water xx

  • #96741
     Cecile 
    Participant

    Yes,that water infused with grapes is good…and bubbles…! I am hoping everything goes well for you, and good luck.

  • #96747
     Whatislove 
    Participant

    Wow everyone! I wish you’d been around when I left the other times. You guys are amazing, inspiring & it feels like I have so many women who get ‘it’ rooting for me & cheering me on. I can’t tell you how that feels.

    A family member is staying tonight. Iv played it very safe with the husband, as I think an initial backlash & guilt trip may send me two steps back. I lied & said police want to get social services involved if you are staying at the house, to make sure the children are safe. However, the are satisfied not to take this action if a family member stays at my home to make sure you aren’t there.

    I know it’s terrible to lie. But I’m trying to make this easy on myself. Uncle buck has told me to go no contact now, but not to block him yet to give him some rope to proverbially hang himself on, should he message me about the abuse at all. I do already have some stuff in writing.

    He sent me 4 messages in reply to mine. First one was lovely and disarmed me. Second was saying he loved me. Third was longer with a few guilt trips thrown in about wanting to come home & if he doesn’t freeze to death he’ll speak to me tomorrow. Last message was asking if I told police that he’s a good man/father & asking if this is what I really want.

    I haven’t responded. And yes, it’s like waves of feeling very determined & ‘lucid’ to the reality. And then the drag to fall back under. So far so good though. One day at a time.

  • #96752
     KIP. 
    Participant

    I’d buy a cheap payg phone for that sim so that you can collect evidence but give that phone to someone else so you don’t have to read his messages. Then get a new number right away. The way to beat this is zero contact. Eventually give him the number of a family member for all contact regarding kids etc,

  • #96754
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    KIPs right those messages will trigger u xx so let someone else take them even if they make out it u till he hangs himself. By text. Do what you have to do in theses circumstances a white lie is nothing. Concentrate on falling back to your reason for staying away to be safe that is the priority always. Yes we’re here right at the back off you but u don’t need holding up strong 💪 lady ❤️

  • #97145
     Overcome 
    Participant

    Wow! Reading this has inspired me so much! You are so strong for finally getting out. I am on the cusp right now and I have the biggest knot in my stomach!! Why do I feel guilty for getting him into trouble when I have warned him time and time again that this behaviour has to stop!

    I am so glad you have such a fantastic support system around you, it should see you through the worst bit x

    Please keep us updated, i’d love to know how you get on with things.

    • #97301
       Whatislove 
      Participant

      Hi Overcome,

      I haven’t been on here for a few days so only just saw your message. So it’s been over (detail removed by moderator). The husband hasn’t been able to contact me as my uncle has acted as a go between and my family have taken shifts staying with me. He’s spoken on the phone with the kids (detail removed by moderator) & sees them once for a day on the weekend for now. My family do the kid exchange. Straight after he left I filed for divorce. He received the petition today. I have no idea how he feels & frankly I don’t care (I say this with surprise as for years I left & deeply hurt so eventually went back, time & again). He’s covertly tried to contact me. He put items in a shopping bag on a joint shop account we had- a (detail removed by moderator) and a (detail removed by moderator). I changed the password straight away. So far he’s told my solicitor he wants an amicable divorce (after getting over the shock of receiving the letter no doubt). But I feel so different. Before when I’d left the future felt like stepping off a cliff & my worth was still wrapped up in him/his opinion. Now I just think when I look at photos of him “what was I thinking?! To marry & stay with a low life, woman hating, can’t keep a job, violent, a-hole!” The future feels like a long road on a starry night- hidden yet beautiful & freeing. That’s the only way I can describe it. My home is calm, my kids are relaxed, I feel fun & young(ish) again. I don’t know what’ll happen next. Maybe he’ll accept it this time & move on. Maybe he’ll suddenly freak & start the harassment, stalking, etc again. The thing is, I see it now. I get it. It’s not about me after all. I’m not the problem. My worth is not defined by him & his issues. They’re his not mine. They’re nothing to do with me. If he wants to screw up his life then that’s up to him. But he can’t touch me with that anymore. I’m still me. I just got lost along the way. The old me woke up somehow during the last physical assault & stood up inside me again & said “no more”. And I’m so happy she did.
      You’ll be ok. You’ll get there. Get the hard part over. Post on here & these amazing ladies will help. Go no contact. It’s the best! Good luck to you xxxxx

  • #97303
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    This is soo heart warming 💖my goodness lady you’ve come so far already. That was a beautiful way to put it about the starry night. I know what you mean 🙂be ever hopeful that you future will be good and it will 🌈 xx much love diymum 😘❤️

  • #97305
     lover of no contact 
    Participant

    Fantastic news! So happy for you. It just shows how supportive some families can be. A fabulous idea to have your family protecting you against him. There’s safety in numbers. Keep on doing what you’re doing. The calm and seeing our children relaxed and happy is priceless. Thanks for your post. It shows it can be done. We can get away from our abusers.

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