Too afraid to leave

[Three]

After many years together my partner has finally taken control of my life. Looking back over our relationship he’s subtly been continually pushing which I mistook for a genuine interest in me and wanting to enjoy doing things together as a couple.

He now controls my phone, email accounts and opens all my post. If I try to change passwords his phone is immediately notified. I can’t go anywhere without him either coming along or him knowing where I am at all times. He also checks my bank statements and demands access to my online banking.

If I do anything that has not been ‘approved’ first he shouts, threatens, and yells abuse for a couple of days, trashes our home then becomes totally silent, then after a few days of him trying to make me agree to more of his demands, it will gradually blow over. He’ll then be extremely attentive until the next time he becomes dissatisfied with something else he decides I have either done or not done. He has never been physically violent, but each time, his behaviour gets more extreme.

I’ve been trying to leave for at least the last five years but am afraid of what he will do to me and those I care about when I am gone. He is capable, manipulative and very good at persuading people that he’s a good guy just looking out for my best interests.

I’ve previously spoken to and received advice from my GP but he now insists on coming along to my appointments. I am trying to find the courage to leave here in a way that protects me and my family, who he has also threatened, as safely as possible but am struggling with accessing information on help that is available when I can’t call to speak anyone or attend appointments alone.

So far only the Samaritans, who have been amazing, have been able to help me online. I would be extremely grateful to hear of any other online resources available.

Thanks, Three x

[maddog]

Well done for posting here. Firstly Women’s Aid will help you. You will probably need the help of the police as well. WA will help you start on a safety plan. Are you able to open a secret account or put together some cash? For a while I always carried enough cash to get away somewhere for the night. It helps if you can collect documentation for you & any children. Things like passports/birth certificates etc. If the’ve been hidden from you they are replaceable. You will need a bag with essentials. I found it helpful to have a cheap burner phone.

WA will help you with safety planning and your escape. Victim Support are really helpful as well. There should be a reasonably local centre for victims of sexual violence. There is help out there.

It sounds as though he is stalking you. This is also a serious issue.

I am so sorry you have been going through this. Actually leaving isn’t easy and it’s best to get as many organisations to hold your hand and get you out safely.

[EbonyRaven]

Victim support have online services, chat and email

Women’s Aid and The Living Without Abuse (LWA) site have lots of resources, including information on safety planning to leave. The Women’s Aid survivors handbook is excellent.

I contacted my own local domestic violence service by email first of all, before ever speaking with them. There are links on this site to help you find who they are.

There’s also Refuge. Their email is on the contact us link at the bottom of their website. (I don’t think we’re able to post actual links here.)

Safeline have a downloadable form you can complete and email back to them too.

I hope you’re able to find some extra support.

[Three]

Thank you Maddog and EbonyRaven for your messages and advice. Three.

[Iwantmeback]

Can you set up a new email account that he has no control over. Any domestic abuse sites have quick exit buttons too and shouldn’t show up on your history, just double check before you log off. Safety is paramount where abusers are concerned. Trust nothing he says, actions always speak louder than words. Have you anyone you’re allowed to talk to that knows your situation. You could arrange a safe word with them, then if you said it in text or conversation, they could contact the police on your behalf. Best wishes and welcome to the forum
IWMB 💕💕

[Three]

I’ve set up a new email account which he does not have access to, but have to be careful as he previosly installed keyloggger software onto my laptop.

Maddog, he has progressively isolated me from all my friends. He reported my last remaining friend with a fake risk complaint to child services when he found out I was still in touch with her.

[maddog]

Since he’s threatened to harm your family you may be able to get an emergency injunction. If you can’t use your iwn phone, are you able to borrow one? Calls to 101 are free. Not sure about the others but they shouldn’t be logged on phone bills.

Your partner’s behaviour is criminal and frankly sounds absolutely terrifying. It’s horrible to break up a family. You will find lots of support here and in real life. Could you ask a friend to contact the police for you? I think WA or possibly even your gp can make that call.

I wanted out years ago. My ex had to take control. He condones the violence of a child towards a parent. I really hope his chickens are coming home to roost.

[Three]

I’ve spoken to a Solicitor and the Police, who were advised of the abuse here (detail removed by moderator) years ago. My partner has said he’s going to burn down our home, destroy the rest of my life forever and would rather go to prison than let me leave here with any part of my life.

Even though the 101 calls are free they show up on my call history. The Samaritans recommended a call box and I’ve located my closest one.

He’s destroyed all my relationships with frieds so I’m doing this alone.

Thank you Maddog for your advice and suggestions

[lover of no contact]

His violent threats are to keep you from leaving. He uses fear to keep you under control. But you are resisting three and there’s that part of you he can never control. Well done that part of you sounds strong. Its brilliant you have found this Forum and you will get the strength, experience and help on here to get away from his iron grip. I’m stating the obvious but be vigilant so he doesn’t find this support of yours.

Gather all the supports around you as the other posters said. You probably can’t get hold of the book ‘The Gift of Fear’ by Gavin de Becker. Its a brilliant book giving advice on how to deal with the n****r’s like your partner who use high level threats like your one is doing. Also dealing with partner’s who won’t let go.

Keep posting and reading the posts on here. I remember a previous poster sewed money into the lining of her coat. Would that work?

I had the huge fear from my ex and feared for my life until I read De Becker’s book and I realised my ex would not deal with a jail sentence. Would your partner be the type to be ok with going to jail or facing consequences if he did burn the house down or hurt one of your family? Threats are only words and only have their power from the reaction of the person being threatened. Threats are easy to utter but not as easy to carry out.

Could you see him destroying his façade of being a good man that he has carefully constructed with other people destroyed, if he burns the house down or is violent towards a family member.

Is the house you own one of his assets? If so does he really want to destroy an asset if the mortgage is paid off. Remember abusers are calculated and self-serving and need money for their Power and Control games.

We can face his threats and talk through them to see if they are likely to be acted upon by him.

Keep posting. You are not on your own with this. You will get away from him. Just concentrate on keeping your strength up eat very well, get rest/sleep, fresh air (if he lets you) etc and you will get help and friendship from us.

Stay strong. You are way stronger than him. He is a coward of a man resorting to horrible threats to keep you in an abusive relationship with him.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Three, just want to let you know that you aren’t alone and that we are here anytime to talk through anything and everything that worries you.
IWMB 💕💕

[maddog]

You are amazing! You are finding ways around this and you are being so resourceful about keeping safe.

The wheels of change are grindingly slow. When I first reported my ex I was hesitant. I asked the police not to speak to him as I was afraid of what he would concoct next. That was some time ago. He came to the house and was shouting merry hell at me so I dialed the 3 nines.

He has no care of court orders and will lie through his teeth. Please, if you are able, record and report.

For the record another website I post on has told me that they will work with the police.

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Three

Just sending you some more support from me!

He’s so micro-managing everything, its going to be so hard to not get caught, especially given his threats.

The thing is, what you are is a slave/prisoner, and it will probably take the police taking you out, or him! Even better.

If you could hide a phone and keep it always on silent you could buy credit with cash, and I believe I recall WA texting. They could find a local contact for you.

You can try to prepare to leave, but you might not be able to safely, in which case its better to just leave whenever a chance presents and then contact WA/police?

Well done for posting and I hope you can continue to do so safely and take your opportunity when its safe.

Warmest wishes ts

[Three]

Thank you all so much for your replies and support.

Twisted Sister. Thank you for your support and advice. I did get a spare phone last year but he constantly searches the house, found it and used it to accuse me of having an affair!

Maddog, thank you so much for your advice. I have not documented his abuse so far but will now. Wish I had your strength right now.

He’s in the most unsettling phase of the cycle right now which is friendly and attentive.. or calm before the storm!

Lover of no contact. Thank you so much for your post. Yes, he would prefer to end up in prison rather than let me leave here and be happy. We own our home together. I pay for everything. He expects to take everything from me if I leave and will carry on after I’ve left.

Iwmb thank you. Reading other peoples posts and experiences here has made me realise this is not only happening to me as is not ok.

Thanks again for your replies

Three

[lover of no contact]

Hi Three,

We’ll keep discussing his threats and face them to reduce their power.

If you pay for everything he then allows for you to be away from him to earn income? Do you have any time away from him?

Also how would you cope if he did do the worst and burn the house down if you left? If the house is insured would it be covered. A lot of us on here are at risk of losing our homes that we have put our hard-earned cash into due to the abuser’s behaviours. Many stop paying the mortgage when we leave so we are left without a home. In your case he is planning to burn your house down if you leave. If as Twisted sister says ANY opportunity arises for you to leave, you may have to grab it then contact Women’s Aid and the Police after. The Police could then inform our neighbours on either side that he is planning to burn the house down. If he decides to burn the house down even the police can’t stop him. The Police or you can’t control his behaviour. You can only make sure your neighbours are informed of his plans so they can act accordingly at the first sign of fire.

How about your essential documents like passport, certificates, are they with him or have you access to them so that you could start thinking of ways to get them away. Also think of your possessions in the following order, clothes, books, paperwork, sentimental items and photos. Which of these can you absolutely not let go of and think of ways to move them one by one to a safe place even a to a file in a Police Station. Or a file in a Women’s Aid office. Or to a filing cabinet in a workplace if you go out to work?

Just trying to face his threat of burning the house down by discussing it. We will try to get to that place if he burns the house down then if all your important stuff is out of it, you are safely away, your neighbours are informed and alert to call the fire-brigade then you’ve done all you can if he chooses to carry out this criminal behaviour. He then will start his jail sentence and the prison staff will keep him away for you for hopefully a long time. You can be free and work through the loss of your house (maybe it will be covered by insurance for you) on here with us.

Btw I’m facing the loss of my home due to my ex’s actions, more covert he just stopped paying mortgage payments. I put all the money into the house and my parent’s helped us. Sometimes one of the losses of Domestic abuse is a house/home. But there have been posters on here who have lost their sight, their health due to actions of abusers. Many as we speak are losing their lives due to domestic abuse. Some women have had their children murdered by their abuser, abuser then kills themselves so as not to face jail and the woman is left with the loss of the children she adored. So many losses when you are in Contact with abusers.

I may or may not lose my home but I know I’ll work through that loss with the help of the ladies on here.

[maddog]

This may not be easy but are you able to remove your treasure from the house? I’ve had stuff in storage for a long time now. My ex had no armchairs to sulk in which made him cross. I removed only things belonging directly to me and my family. I took stuff in my car then The big boys came.
Please keep posting, recording and reporting and please, somewhere, recognise how brave you are and in reality you are a superstar whatever it feels like on the ground.

[Three]

@ lover of no contact. Thank you so much for your messages. I’ve just watched Gavin de Beckers The Gift of Fear on You Tube. His analogy of no other animal would get it a lift with someone they are scared of pretty much sums up my life right now.

I’m so sorry to hear of your situation with your home. After everything you must have been through you need somewhere to feel safe and shut the world out. Have you told the mortgage company what’s going on as they have a legal obligation under the new FSA rules to support you? You should also have a mortgage holiday which may give you a few months breathing space?

@maddog. Thank you! I have a storage unit where I have some cash, a phone and a packed suitcase in case I need to go in an emergency. I don’t get much time to myself but when I do I am gradually ‘moving out’. Your advice to record what’s going on here is invaluable so thanks again

Three

[dustypink]

Mine also threatened a lot – to take the kids, to take the house, to report me to social services.
And what I got now? Live in the house, he doesn’t need the kids at all.
What they are saying.. Threatens are used to keep us in fear, this is how they control us.
For me, I’ve just passed the point I could go on. I accepted I will lose everything, this was about saving my life.
I found out he is not so brave, and can do nothing otherwise than threaten me. He lost interest on me and found another victim very quickly when realized I have nothing to lose. I was scared, a lot! This took a lot of strengh from my side, but I did it!
Step by step, if you started your way, you’ll be there, just a question of time!
xx

[Three]

@dustypink Thank you so much for sharing your experience. The more I am reading on this forum, I realise that his behaviour is not so unique and I have more options than I thought.

I am so pleased to hear you escaped and I’m trying to find the same strength you found to get away. xx

[Author]

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