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    • #109983
      Browneyesp
      Participant

      I guess I am starting to take off the rose tinted glasses – I have been kept in this intense bubble where the highs are blissful and the lows are tragic making the thought of leaving the bubble very daunting.I have been looking at the world around me move forward, my friends having fun, my family getting used to me not being there as often, and instead of fighting for the life i had, i accepted that this is my life now. The little space we have together, his family, his friends, and that is that.
      The good times always seem to remain in my mind, not the physical abuse, the verbal abuse, the damages to my belongings, the gambling of my money, the isolation from friends and family, but the normal times we giggle on the sofa, or have food or a laugh together. Thats the bit that sticks, and thats the bit i am struggling with every time i get the courage to pack my things. I have this tug, the huge gut wrenching tug, where i think… you are not strong enough yet, but what makes me strong enough to stay?
      I feel too many emotions at once, every day, all day, to be able to function properly – I am angry, embarrassed, frustrated, hurt, scared, lonely, in love, sad, tired, fed up, empowered, it is a continuous battle to paint my face and work with a smile when i feel like crawling under my desk and sleeping for a week.

    • #109993
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Browneyesp

      I can rebate to everything you have just said in your first paragraph, these feelings are very overwhelming as I know. At the the start you will feel like this and a feeling of being over powered, but too weak to respond. Your head feels heavy everyday and you feel like you’re in a daze and struggle to make decisions.

      This won’t last. Once you start to see more without those rose to red glasses and start researching his behavior and patterns your eyes will then be fully open. The damage that is caused through these so called men is real and long lasting but you’ve already over come the first part by realising there is a problem and with him, not you. This a huge step to you gaining control of your life back.

      At first or for a couple of years we normalise their behaviour and this plays right into their hands, but this isn’t normal behavior. It’s abuse and its illegal to do this to a woman, whether that’s your wife or partner. We are still us and should be allowed that right to use our own minds and make choice and decisions for ourselves.

      I used to find myself thinking about other people’s family lives and home lives and resenting them for this, then I though oh god I’m turning into him. But now I know I’m not, I just want to live a normal life and that’s my human right to have that.

      I’ve definitely found this forum to be like a great of fresh air too and reading other women’s stories you can relate and makes you not feel so alone.

      And when the time is right for you to leave, you’ll just know and you won’t look back. You may have the odd doubt about going but the pros for leaving will outweigh the cons. X

      • #109995
        Browneyesp
        Participant

        Thank you Turtledove – Even just speaking on here has been a huge help. I have found a little voice again, and i know it can be louder and heard!
        I don’t want to be jealous of my friends, or watch from the side lines, i want to be right in there celebrating and living with them through there experiences as well as mine. Its just a very tiring thing to find strength during!

        Thank you for your support x

      • #110003
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        You’re going to start feeling angry now you’ve awoken from this abuse but you have to keep that side to yourself. These are very aggressive men that feed off controlling us. You should make a mental plan of what you want to happen, then started taking steps to plan your escape. I think my abuser knows I’m not happy as he can see the change in me, his threats of physical abuse have become alot more just recently so I just keep my head down and luckily I don’t have to see him too much which is a blessing in disguise.

        He senses that I know what’s been happening as I’ll say things like you can make yourself a drink, the taps downstairs. You can see his face going red and he’s not happy about being told no. He’s even told me he thinks I’ve been abusing him, so I asked him if I smashed and broke his property, withheld money so he couldn’t eat, made threats to kill or harm him, spat at him, ordered him around to do everything, made rude comments of threats towards his family etc, or even shouted at him and called him nasty names. He said (detail removed by moderator). I didn’t hang around but defo felt better for saying that. The list could of gone on to be honest.

        In the past if he’d behaved really bad he’d then suggest booking a holiday or getting something nice to eat, as eggshells said these are ways to Bring you back in again with some of the good times. Now it doesn’t work for me. I’ve learnt my abuser will never change, even if he worked on some of his addictions, he’d still be the same person and I do think alot of his behavior is what he’s seeing growing up so it’s normal for him I guess.

        I just one thing for sure and that’s I don’t want my children growing up to become him, they’re still very little and have time to get them away from this environment.

         

         

    • #109996
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Browneyesp, welcome to the forum. I always say that with mixed emotions because in an ideal world, the forum is not a place where any of us would be.

      You are here though and that can only mean one thing. You are at the beginning of a whole new journey.

      It may be helpful to do a little reading as it can make sense of all of this. If you are not already familiar with the cycle of abuse and trauma bonding, then please do google it. The Betterhelp website gives a really good explanation.

      Then there is a booklist somewhere on the forum. I’ll find it and bump it back up to the top of the threads. I started with “Living with the Dominator” but others also recommend “Why does he do that” which I haven’t actually read.

      Your mixed emotions are really normal and are often contrived by the abuser; the good times are designed to keep you there.

      Please do keep posting. I’m sure you will find that your experiences are very similar to those of other ladies on here.

      Just a quick caveat. You mentioned that your OH is also physically abusive. This is very dangerous and you shouldn’t underestimate the risk to yourself. Please try to get in touch with Women’s Aid who can point you in the right direction to get an outreach worker and cover your tracks. Use a private browser for research and if necessary delete your history and caches or cookies. xx

      • #110004
        Browneyesp
        Participant

        Everything you have said is sadly too relatable – Its a very bitter sweet moment to be able to finally talk to people that understand or have experiences that can help.. but in the same moment what a shame there are people who understand and have had these experiences too.
        The violence in my relationship has always been blamed on addiction – But now help is being received for that other things havent stopped, which has made me realise that the person he claimed not to be, is very much who he is.
        I get quizzed daily about my past relationships, my past sexual encounters, i get called names, compared to his exs or told hes been with beautiful women compared to me, my phone is picked up as of when, my cars driven as and when, money spent like its a joint account, and ive now realised that just because these things aren’t physical and that side of things has stopped for now, its still a form of abuse.
        Without sounding like a complete idiot, i’m attractive, young, i have a good job, and yet the constant arguments, name calling, mind games, have made me feel like im not as good as other people and that is almost the worst abuse.

        You should speak yup, im proud of you for having that moment of sass, and you are very right, they can see when you are getting stronger.

      • #110009
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Browneyesp

        It’s good that you still know your self worth and you should remind yourself of that every day. I can honestly say if I didn’t have children with him, I’d of been gone a very long time ago. But now I see this was the trap to start with. By having children life becomes more restricted, including money etc. He is fully aware of that. I have become a former shadow of myself. I used to live wearing make up and shopping etc. Now things have been restricted that much where i have found myself not being interested in me anymore, just making sure my girls are well dressed and fed and at times that’s all I could do.

        You have time to get out of this. I recognise some is the things you are saying and these were things that happened early on. Before you know it you too will become an even further shadow of the beautiful successful person you are. This is when they have complete control of your mind, body and fiances. You feel like you can’t tell anyone because how do you explain it when you don’t even understand what’s happening to you yourself!

        These kind of men are professionals as making us feel like this. It is like torture of the mind and then the fear of what will happen if you press any buttons that they don’t like. Worrying what mood they’ll be in, wondering what will happen if you sY no to something. The constant going on and at you until you say yes, then you broke down and allowed them control back because of you say no they’ll break something or threaten to do something else.

        My abuser gambles too aswell as other things and over the years I’ve seen that these things come first and studied him enough to see he is incapable of love. We as women need love to bloom, and without that we kind of die inside especially when we’re being told we’re ugly or unattractive or stupid on a regular basis. My abuser too has told me he can do better and I’ve dragged him down. He should of stayed with his ex, but she left him because of this behavior. She was lucky, she got out quick.

        And leaving isn’t as easy as saying it, as I know myself. You will know when it’s your time but until then hold your head high and remember your self worth. My abuser has pinched, pulled my hair and kicked before but nothing more than that and that’s usually when he’s been drunk, but I don’t open the door when he’s drinking. I keep the chain and bolt on the door because I know if I open that door ill be subjected to hours of verbal abuse and physical by kicking doors and damaging my property. The chance of me being assaulted too is very high. He’s a big man, he could really hurt me and I know he has it in him, especially if he’s been drinking.

    • #110014
      Beautifulday
      Participant

      Welcome to the forum @browneyesp!
      You’ve made the first step and that is coming to the forum! It took me ages to build the courafe to do so but I’m so glad I did as the ladies here have been so helpful and supportive and you’ll find that as the days and weeks go on your eyes will open even further and those rose tinted glasses will drop slowly, they are for me

      I had felt for some while things were not normal or healthy but I denied it made excuses, it was only until my health started suffering and then lockdown that really made me stop and think. Usually I work (detail removed by moderator) a week constantly on the go , and when I was furloughed i had time to sit and think, to walk to reflect and in doing so it was like a light bulb momemt, i came here wrote my first post and straight away others confirmed that I was in an abusive relationship.

      I would recommend keeping a journal if its safe for you to do so somewhere he can’t find or see it qrite every little thing down and then by doing so you can read back through it and you’ll instantly feel like an outsider looking in from a different perspective i can’t describe it. Its also very good if In future you need to rely on evidence as youll have it. I also recommend giving your local WA a call mine were so so helpful and kind

      Stay strong lovely your not alone in this x*x

       

       

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