Took the day off

[Freedomfighter]

Like many of you, I’ve been on a real rollercoaster ride lately. Usually when I’m really upset, angry or worried I clean and tidy the house, working until I have to rest because I’m in so much pain I could cry. When I’m rested I get up and start again. It doesn’t help that he’s always making excuses, either out, doing something else, too tired, too ill etc. It was happening again today, but felt physically and emotionally drained and couldn’t even be bothered to get angry. Yesterday I was snapping at him. He was saying he felt bad he wasn’t helping me sort the house out, but explaining why he had to do something else again. He was making me so angry I just kept saying sarcastic things like yeah yeah. Or yes you go off, I’ll do it myself like I always do etc. About (detail removed by Moderator) he came back saying he was exhausted. I totally ignored him. I had been about to sit down and have another rest, but that’s what he always does and I felt like exploring. Instead I stormed past him and started painting the walls. He asked what was wrong, saying there was no point painting because he needed to sand down the filler first. He’s been filling cracks, screw holes and places where the plaster came off with the paper for (detail removed by Moderator) months. I’m so sick of it. He then leaves it for weeks, until I do it myself, rub down the excess filler and paint the walls as they are. He never does all of them, always leaves a few for next time. Then as soon as I paint he fills a few more.
I told him I didn’t care, I was sick of the place looking a sight and I want it sorted, all the paint, fillers, tools, ladders and everything out of the house so I can put the decorations up and get ready for Christmas. I’ve been telling him that since (detail removed by Moderator)! Today I started again, but then thought no! He’s just winding me up so I’ll work myself into the ground like I do every year. So I took the day off. Did some shopping, wrapped some presents and made some new Christmas decorations and watched TV
I feel anxious because there’s still so much left to do, but I had a nice day crafting.
I can’t win whatever I do, but at least I had a quiet, restful and relaxing day for a change.

[KIP.]

I wasted so much of my life cleaning the house. That was how I dealt with the anxiety of the abusive relationship I was in. Now it’s way down the bottom of my list and I get to do what I want. What makes me happy. If the bed is not made then it’s no big deal but I remember a time where I cleaned like you. It’s a kind of obsessive compulsive disorder to cope with anxiety. It stops when you’re free from abuse x

[Freedomfighter]

Thanks Kip,
I’d got myself to that place before. Trouble was I just kept shutting the door and going somewhere else. House had got so bad we just lived in one room basically.
I started tackling the house back in (detail removed by Moderator), my husband and eldest son said they’d help. As I said before not much help coming from anywhere.
Silly, but I just wanted this Christmas to be nice and to start the new year with a clean and tidy house. I don’t think I’m obsessional about it, but I need a tidy home, organised and clean. It’s not important to me that it’s perfect or like a show house, but easy to put straight and clean again. I can’t do that anymore with way too much furniture, rubbish and a hyperactive dog and a husband who rarely puts anything away, when he does it’s in the wrong place. I even tried labelling every cupboard once, but he told me he wouldn’t be told what to do in his own home. The trouble is he never remembers that where he’s put things. We spend half our lives looking for things he’s moved. I need to start accepting it won’t be straight let alone finished. And start getting it workable at least.
More importantly I need to slowly wind things down. I can’t keep this pace up. I’m in too much pain. Relax and pace myself, or at least try!

[Author]

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