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    • #99415
      Circles
      Participant

      I have told my husband of many years that i want to separate. the last straw was (detail removed by moderator) and was something minor really but the compounded behaviour over the years had built up. I threatened to leave (detail removed by moderator) ago after a physical incident and he talked me into staying but here we are again. Ive told him that i cant carry on with this behaviour and i want to separate. We have 2 children and share the family home. At the minute he is messaging saying he knows its his fault and that he doesn’t want to break up. He doesn’t know what to do, cant believe its come to this etc etc. the trouble here is that he’s not bad all the time…seems to go through phases and more that his reactions to things seem extreme in relation to whats actually happened. Over the top and upsetting for me and the children.
      I am finding it very hard to keep my resolve at the minute as we still have to share the house for the foreseeable although i am speaking with a solicitor and he knows this and i have said i want a divorce.
      its how i stay strong about all of this and keep to what i know is best for me and my children.

    • #99416
      KIP.
      Participant

      Please contact Women’s aid. This is a very dangerous time for you. It’s the most dangerous time when a woman ends the relationship. Do not tell him anything you’re doing. Get some legal advice about an occupation order so that he has to leave the property and is not allowed access. Living together while separating is extremely dangerous and his abuse will get worse. Google the cycle of abuse. Read Living with the Dominator. Knowledge Is Power so know your enemy.

    • #99417
      KIP.
      Participant

      Expect all sorts of emotions from him as he tries to regain control. If his begging doesn’t work he will change to emotional blackmail and involve the children, if that doesn’t work he will blame you for everything and play the victim with anyone that will listen. Then maybe financial abuse when he takes control of that, aggression and violence comes when he feels he’s lost so be very careful x

    • #99567
      Camel
      Participant

      Hi Circles

      KIP is correct about the emotional manipulation. When you tried to leave him the first time you put him on notice. This time around he’s acting all surprised that it’s come to this and doesn’t want to break up despite agreeing it’s all his fault. Where in any of his behaviour is respect for your feeling? He’s still making it all about him – he doesn’t know what to do. I’d say he’s missed many chances to do anything, even taking into account the times when he behaves like a normal human being. Get advice asap regarding your living arrangements.

    • #116755
      Circles
      Participant

      Hi, so I’m 8 months on from my last post where I ended up staying and telling him this was his last chance.
      There was another incident and the police were called and I left the house for a short period of time but then came back as lockdown started and we had a close family bereavement and I needed to be home to support the kids.
      I have started my divorce and he’s had his letter. He’s agreed to sign the house over to me and to grant the divorce without contest.
      He’s due to move out in (detail removed by Moderator). Can’t disclose details on this.
      For now the hardest part for me is seeing him upset and losing his home and friends.
      He is heartbroken and it’s difficult to see someone who you have shared a long length of time with in such pain.
      I am steadfast in terms of how I move forward but need advice on how to keep sane whilst we live under the same roof. He is having counselling and has identified reasons as to why he behaved how we did and is determined not to be that person anymore for his own sake and that of his children. I believe he will change (in parts) but it’s too late for me to go back.
      Any tips to keep me going?

    • #116757
      Hetty
      Participant

      Hi circles,
      I’m in a similar situation in that I’ve finally ended my marriage and moved out. I’m finding it hard not to feel sorry for my husband, but then I think how he never showed any empathy for me. He was vile to me but kind to a stranger in the street. I have been reminding myself constantly of all the bad times and how I’d dream of leaving and living in a peaceful and calm home. I’ve also been talking to my child about the impact on him – I was quite taken aback by some of what he has shared at his young age, like saying how bad he felt at being powerless when he was hearing me being shouted at or when he was the focus. Hearing the impact first hand from my child has given me a new resolve to keep going. I’ve also been reading online about tactics used by abusers – knowledge is power, as they say.
      I can only speak from my own experience but my husband has sought help over the years but nothing has helped. In my experience they never ever change.
      Stay strong and focused on your happy future ahead x

    • #118847
      Nutkin
      Participant

      Hi circles
      I just wanted to say well done for getting where you have. I am really struggling at the mo in the first few days of telling my husband it’s over. I was going to write another post myself but then stumbled upon your feed.
      One thing I read that is helping me stay strong is to live in the moment and really realise how lonely and awful it all feels at the moment. I’m one for dreaming and thinking well if I give it it could be perfect next time, when in reality we all know that won’t happen.
      I also read that if your feeling guilty or sad or being away from the situation you start missing them then you should write it down rather then saying it to them.
      Would love to know how you are doing now and what the situation is now. You are giving me hope for the light at the end of the tunnel.

    • #118858
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Circles, well done for getting this resolve. To keep it and stay sane there are a few things that might help.

      Some people find journaling very useful. Writing down all the incidents of abuse and all of his emotional swings. Seeing it in black and white and being able to read it back can help to frame his behaviour and put it in perspective. It is a reminder of why you are leaving. Even now, he is playing on your emotions. If he is doing this counselling for himself, then he has no reason to share his “progress” with you except to try and convince you that he will become a worthy partner. Mine also told me about all the progress that he was making at counselling – it turned out that the whole thing was a lie; he had never attended a single session.

      Also, if you haven’t already read “Living with the dominator” now would be a really good time to read it. You will read about patterns of abuse that are very familiar, it may even highlight abusive behaviour that you hadn’t cottoned on to. Again, it will clarify exactly who and what you are dealing with. When confronted with patterns of abusive behaviour in this way, you begin to understand how deliberate and contrived the abusive behaviour is; they know what they are doing and choose to do it anyway. They choose abuse, it’s an easy way for them to get what they want. Knowing that it is a conscious decision to treat you like this may help to dissolve your pity for him?

      Stay strong Circles. You are doing the right thing. xx

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