12th December 2015 at 10:35 pm #6102
I really need a hug and some help.
Today I don’t know what has happened but I have totally had enough. Not sure if it’s the realisation of the life I’m living or if it’s just sunk in the effect it is having on my little girl 😢
I just feel so overwhelmed and that I want to explode that I have no more space in me to take anymore.
I live a life with someone who is every character from the freedom programme and I’ve just had enough of my body being used, hurt and degraded. My head has no more space for anymore for everything it endures. I just can’t take being hurt inside and out anymore.
I just want someone to pick me and my little girl up and take us somewhere safe 😢😢
It’s just so hard the thought of it but I feel like the worst mum in the world and just don’t know what to do for the best
12th December 2015 at 10:43 pm #6105LisaMain Moderator
I am so sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed. Thank you for your brave and honest post. Please phone the helpline as soon as you have a safe time to talk, they can help you. You say that you want to go somewhere safe and The National Domestic Violence Helpline can help to find a refuge for you and your daughter where you will be safe and there will be plenty of emotional and practical support.
You and your daughter deserve so much to feel happy and safe so please try the helpline. You are so much stronger than you think.
We are all here for you so please keep posting.
13th December 2015 at 8:23 am #6107
Thank you Lisa for your reply just having a moment of madness and feeling brave – I tried to contact the helpline but no reply.
I’m so trying to hang on so that my little girl can have some sort of Christmas but also feel like I am putting my life on the line by doing this.
Can I really escape this nightmare?
not sure I can survive for much longer 😢😢xx
13th December 2015 at 11:57 am #6118HopespringsParticipant
First of all *hug* you most definitely can escape. The helpline will help you keep phoning or leave a message they will get back to you. Do you have a local women’s aid? They were an enormous help to me. Keep posting on here and know you’re not alone and you can have a life free from abuse xx
13th December 2015 at 6:24 pm #6127
Thank you for your reply – I left a message for them to call back just felt like I needed to offload.
I have an amazing idva who is so supportive and I know if I said the word I could be gone and start a new life it’s just so hard and scary. I have a day when things are ok and I cling onto that thinking everything will change.
He is due to start counselling again so I also clinging on to that bit of hope.
I’ve just accepted that my life is how it is until yesterday when I had enough. It feels like I’m in a rollercoaster at mo.
If I don’t make the decision to leave then social services will make the decision for me as my little girl is already in child protection and the case is now being taken to legal planning as she rolled up my sleeves and showed the social worker bruises on my arm so they know things haven’t changed and are saying the cp plan isn’t working.
Just think something snapped in me yesterday and didn’t know where to turn xx
18th December 2015 at 9:38 pm #6323LittleBritishPhoenixParticipant
Sometimes the fear of the unknown is so overwhelming – how many times in life have you heard the phrase “better the devil you know” thrown about? I used to think exactly that…at least if I stayed I’d know what to expect. I knew he’d make all the promises of change, he’d be lovely for a while but it wouldn’t last; and even his violence and abuse became reliable, as strange as it sounds?
But when it came to the thought of going to a refuge…that was terrifying in a whole new way. But it had gotten to a point where the only piece of advice the SS could give me, was to go to a refuge and I knew I couldn’t stay with my child the moment they’d suggested I flee. I don’t want to worry or scare you but I do want to urge you to seriously consider it, before the social services decide you’re not safeguarding your daughter well enough…because that’s a slippery slope and I’ve seen it lead to the removal of the kids in too many cases.
I wanted to say aswell that although it is scary as hell and is a massive decision, and it’s difficult at first, it can save and change your life. You’d have a support worker to help you settle in and get things sorted and they can help with all those practical things – like benefits, registering at a new doctors, getting counselling for you and your daughter, and when you’re ready – moving on from refuge and being rehoused.
I realise it’s been a few days since you last posted but I wanted to add this and to ask how you are feeling now?
Love and light,
19th December 2015 at 7:34 am #6327InneedofsomepeaceParticipant
Sending hugs. You can totally be free of the nightmare you and your daughter are living. I spent months/years I couldn’t leave because of my children it wouldn’t be fair I didn’t want them living in a refuge. But it is the best thing I have ever done for them. They are so much happier and starting to come out of there shells more and more. So now we are facing Christmas in refuge but I know it is going to be the best Christmas they have ever had.
You have taken such a big step you know you want to leave and you’re asking for help the rest will follow, when you are ready. The day before I left I wasn’t planning to I had squirreled away a little money and important documents but I met with a local wa worker to discus having out reach support before I knew it I was leaving the next morning something just clicked and I was gone.
Take care keep talking and stay safe x*x
20th December 2015 at 11:54 am #6394SerenityParticipant
Wanted to give you a hug.
Extrapolating yourself from an abuser is a long process. There is upheaval, it takes courage, it presents huge practical issues and financial risk, the risk of him upping his abuse, etc..
But done the right way with the right support, it can be done.
Don’t doubt that it is abuse, or think that it is your fault. I did that for too long. Follow your gut. Get all the support you need to do what you need to do.
These abusers don’t own us- though they believe they do. We have a choice whether to be with them or not, and we are permitted to set boundaries where they are unable to touch certain parts of our lives that we don’t wish them to touch- indeed, we are permitted to be no contact with them if that is our wish.
I send you huge hugs and to tell you that I was where you are, and gradually and with stamina and belief I have managed to get him out of my life, and to keep my power in those parts where he is still touching my life ( the kids).
With research, reaching out and getting support from experts, and those who understand DV and the the tactics of an abuser, you can overcome. You can get your life back to one which is abuse-free. x
20th December 2015 at 9:28 pm #6415
Thank you so much everyone for your support and honesty.
I’ve had a really tough few days so haven’t been able to post.
I’m on that slippery slope with ss who are basically asking me to make the decision to leave before they make decisions for me. They they are awaiting the decision to see if legal planning will go ahead.
I’m just totally numb now and not even scared of anything, just don’t think I have any fight left in me.
We have our core review meeting tues and I’ve already starting getting ‘the look’ as after these meetings always leads to a massive escalation of all types of abuse!
I just feel like I’m heading into isolation and I’m beyond caring even if he does his worst….. At least it will get me out of the situation.
Sorry for down post but I’m just totally emotionlesss about the situation at the moment.
21st December 2015 at 9:10 am #6423Midnight MarblesParticipant
Hi Moon, I’m just sending you a great big soft hug that might help. Please just take one baby step at a time but please speak to the dv help line. Just give yourself half an hour of constant ringing and you should get through. Just say those words, get me out! Three little words that will change yours and your daughters life for the better.
Thinking of you and hope you are ok. Midnightmarbles xx
23rd December 2015 at 9:21 pm #6540
How can those 3 words be just so scary to say ???
Sometimes I just wanna shout them and someone come and take us away and I know as soon as I do it can happen.
I just think as mo have shut down from it all.
Maybe because I know I am most prob gonna be hurt in the next few days so no feelings on the inside means no feelings in the outside so all the things thAt will happen I will be numb too.
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