Toxic people

[KIP.]

I’m so much more aware of toxic manipulative people now. My own family member is a n********t and uses a flying monkey when I won’t go along with what they want. Today I stood up to that family member and the flying monkey and it felt good. I decide when and where I want to go and nobody will ever dictate to me again. I feel so empowered. And no guilt.

[Iwantmeback]

💪💜💛💚 you sound amazing KIP. Good for you. 💞💞

[KIP.]

It’s taken 5 years lol but at least we know our spirit isn’t broken and we come back stronger than ever. It was the feeling of hating confrontation and the guilt that came that prevented me from speaking up before now. Another step forwards x

[lover of no contact]

Well done KIP; I love to hear this. I find the Flying Monkeys harder to deal with than the abusers now. With the abusers/Narcs if I ignore them, don’t do what they want etc etc or come across rude ..I don’t care because I know they only want fuel and I know I can’t hurt their feelings as they have none. But with the flying monkeys I still get roped in and let down my guard when they are ‘nice’ to me and not doing the abuser’s bidding. I’m exposed to a lot of them still in my workplace but I manage a sort of not-obvious ‘gray rock’with the Narcs but the flying monkeys affect me a lot. I have found a good website though which helps. Google ‘flying Monkeys’ and it will be found. The knowledge their is amazing and really exposes all the enabling that is done in regards to abusive or as they call it ‘Cluster B’ personalities.

I tend to be still passive-aggressive now with those who think its ok to shout at me/disrespect me at work. I will not greet them the day after when they think its ok and want to carry on as normal. I will work alongside them professionally but anyone who chooses to shout at me abruptly, disrespect me well they don’t get my hellos or goodbyes anymore..lol. I used to think being passive-aggressive was awful but not anymore. Its fine when you’re dealing with abusers and flying monkeys. I would never do it to anyone else. So yes I’ve lost my guilt over taking a step back verbally when someone treats me badly.

[fizzylem]

Yup! Go KIP, sometimes you just gotta draw a line hey – up to others what they do then x

[Anonymous]

What’s a flying monkey?

[Iwantmeback]

It’s from the movie, the wizard of oz, where the wicked witch has flying monkeys to do her bidding. In an abusers world, a flying monkey is anyone who talks to you about your ex. Whether meant in a good way, oh I saw so and so today he’s looking great/terrible/he’s so sorry/he’s got a new GF. Or a bad way,they can even fool you into finding out how you are and setting you up big style. You’ll know them when you see them @Landy. My own dad is sort of one,as he’s not seen him angry. And i have to remind him that he has, before I left, he’s just not seeing it the now, as my oh is ‘grieving’ as he is. If anything it’s letting my oh see my dad’s not so bad, yes he’s a pain, he’s passive/aggressive, yet he’s grieving too and is making time to let my oh cry on his shoulder. Then again my dad is never happier when he’s worrying about others, so this is maybe helping take his mind off his loss in some perverse way.
💞💞

[AlwaysSorry]

Well done KIP, you are so bada** and such an inspiration to the rest of us on here not only with your knowledge but your ability to provide perspective – even when it’s perhaps not what we want to hear, it’s certainly what we need to hear. You have nothing to feel guilty for, so it’s so good to read that you didn’t. Well done!

[Twisted Sister]

Just to say, npd is a highly complex and difficult to dx personality disorder.

We need to be mindful of not laying diagnostics criteria as lay people without the critical skills to do so, and this is a particularly complex disorder to dx.

[Nova]

Thanks Kip I agree, toxic people are everywhere, the more we read and inform ourselves about these subjects the better. like most people I was so trusting & open and it got me into a abusive relationship. Now I have healthier boundaries, flying monkeys are difficult to deal with as they trigger constantly!
I’m pleased to hear it’s working for you! Awareness is empowering 👌🏽

[KIP.]

It’s having that confidence in yourself that gets destroyed in an abusive relationship. Its having the confidence to set boundaries, to know we are not being unreasonable. To know we can handle the backlash and stand up of ourselves. Not in an aggressive way. Just simply the way healthy people deal with things. They don’t bottle it up. They state their case and move on. It’s taken me a very long time to get to this stage but I feel I’ve made it over another hurdle and am closer than ever to the girl I used to be.

[fizzylem]

Think I’ve just spotted a flying monkey in a friend; think she will be reporting back. Knocked me completely off balance yesterday with her apparantly caring questions and the selected people she chose to bring up. I walked away doubting myself and felt dispair again. Didn’t know what a flying monkey was either – sadly, do now. I’m going to give her a wide berth. I don’t want to feel like that again. Toxic isn’t it, it’s like feeding off another person’s troubles and misery in disguise with her – I’ve been a fool. I should have trusted my gut as she does like to talk about people and I know this, why would I be any different? I’m not am I, just more fodder x

[KIP.]

Hey, hold your head high. That’s her personality, not yours. You get a sixth sense, takes time to develop but let her do her worse. My son was my exes flying monkey which was incredibly painful and he just couldn’t see it. Hey ho. No experience is wasted if we learn from it. 🙈

[Twisted Sister]

I think all abusers do this, they use and abuse others also as part of their control.

These people are duped in the same way we all were about the ‘reality’ of the situation.

I think generally its so poory understood, we didn’t necessarily understand what he was doing, so, on the outside its understood through him, because he dictate what ‘it’ is.

He cannot have you or others believing anything other than ‘his version’ of events now can he!

Others caught very caught in the cross-fire.

People who dont understand it are not nasty, they just dnt understand it.

There’s always more than one thats abused, in his endeavours.

I watched ‘girl on a train’, its how it happens.

He builds a web of receipt.

It’s the nature of abuse.

Warmest wishes all

TS

[KIP.]

You’re right TS. I should have said this family member has n**********c traits. Which are extremely damaging for those around. I recognise them now. Her triangulation. Need for attention. It’s bizarre how clear things become. I intend to keep my distance. A great distance. I’m only just getting my mental health back x

[Twisted Sister]

I’m glad to hear you can see people’s off behaviours for what they are!
A positive perhaps from the outfall of abuse!

Keeps us safe hopefully.

Sad so many think their rank behaviour is acceptable. Well done for not accepting it.

Warmest wishes
TS

[Twisted Sister]

The whole thrivng on drama behaviour really is a big thing now.

Also, the attack as the best form of defence. I just saw a couple leaving a store with detectives in pursuit. They took flight with their hoard of steals. However, when wrestling to get the goods back the girl turned all ‘help I’m being attacked’ so they had to leave it!!

What a great way of helping women who need believing for genuine harm!🙁

[KIP.]

That sounds awful. Maybe CCTV would help the police find them but even they are not interested in “petty crime”. A relative of mine got her purse stolen in a big city. She tried to report it at her local station and was told go online and get a crime number there but it wouldn’t be investigated. I’ve just had another nasty email from this persons flying monkey full of the most ridiculous things. You are right about attack being the best form of defence. This is what happens when you stand up to abusers. Because this particular abuser makes this flying monkeys life miserable, this flying monkey is trying to dump all that misery and stress at my door. It’s not happening this time.

[EbonyRaven]

Good call Kip. Glad to see you’re aware and dealing with them I’m having some issues with a person at work right now who’s giving it all the passive-aggressive stuff and will need to deal with them one to one later, so you’ve given me some strength to get through that.

Apart from some other things they appear to be ‘jealous’ that my trauma is ‘worse’ than their anxiety, as in it has a more visible effect.

Well done for dealing so well with the FM’s.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi ER.

That really gave me pause, I was eating a granola bar and nearly bit my tongue reading it. Jealous of your trauma being worse/more visible? What the.. It’s not a flipping competition.

Sending you all the strength in the world for later when you have to deal with it.

[Iwantmeback]

I agree AlwaysSorry , why does everything in life have to be a competition. It’s like some people just can’t help being the centre of attention. I second the best wishes ER, I too hate confrontation, but THIS, this is showing me I can do it.
💞💞

[KIP.]

I think there’s jealousy involved here too. I’m recovering well. I’m doing more, enjoying life, achieving. Some people can’t stand that. They feel left behind. Want to drag us back down. Lots of dynamics going on.

[Author]

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