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There’s no filtered way of saying this so I’m just going to go ahead and say it…I am suicidal. Is it normal? Every night I go to bed not wanting to wake up to face the same things day in day out. I am miserable, my mood is so low and everything is a huge challenge even just having a shower and getting dressed. I’m afraid of opening up about these feelings as I have a baby, but I do everything for her and give her so much love every single day, I am a good parent but afraid to say anything for the fear of been deemed otherwise. I have struggled with self harm in the past and the urge to want to do this again has re surfaced but I haven’t done it and don’t intend to. Iv struggled with depression for so many years and I’m back at that point again in life all because of him. I try to be positive, think healthy thoughts & keep busy but my mind always ends up wandering back to this dark place. The days are long and hard (hard is an understatement). How on earth do I cope…
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Hi Flowerbubble,
I’m so sorry to hear you are really struggling.
I know you don’t want to hear this but you are a strong woman and you need to be to survive and thrive for you and your little one.
And yes, it is normal to feel like this. I did for months on end before I left and then for a while after; and I know from reading others posts that we are not alone in feeling this low.
It does get better – I promise you, it does get better.
Talk to your Dr about the abuse and how low you are……they will have helped many mum’s in a similar situation to you, they won’t think you’re a bad mum.
Have you got family or friends around you that can support you? A WA support worker?
I rang the Samaritans when I didn’t want to cope anymore and they were amazing.
I honestly thought that I’d never feel ok again ever, let alone happy, but I have so many more good days than bad ones now.
And keep posting on here, we’re here for you too.
Sending you lots of hugs and strength
X*x -
Please don’t feel like you can’t reach out for help and support from you GP or any other services. Feeling this way is not something you have to battle with alone. Talking to professionals is a sign is a sign of strength, not weakness and it certainly doesn’t raise issues with your parenting, quite the opposite.
Things will get better. It’s hard when you have a young child dependent on you for their every need. It’s hard enough without everything else you have to contend with.
You can do this. Dark days pass. Take one day at a time. -
Feeling so low you don’t want to be here and actually taking one’s life are usually two different things. We can feel low without ever acting on it – which is usually the case for most. 1 in 4 people suffer with a mental health issue like anxiety, depression, a bereavement or a loss of some kind, so that’s a quarter of the population – how many of those people do you think have seen the GP for help? As you have already noticed, mum’s are still able to mother even when they are struggling hey.
Sadly, most poeple feel depressed at one time or another in life, this is what it is to be human, its fairly typical, it’s especially typical when you have experienced DA – I would be as bold to say that I imagine everyone of us on here have felt suicidal at one time or another. A depressed mood is a state of mind, an emotion, meaning it usually passes / changes as life starts to improve, if you feel stuck in a depressed state then you need help to work out what it is you need to do to change this; I would suggest some professional help. If you have felt depressed for a while chances are it’s closely linked to you needing to change up some things only you’re not sure what and it’s difficult to make decisions and find motivation as well – this is where someone else can be useful to us, when we cant see the nose on our face – others sometimes can – especially if they are trained to know what to look out for and what questions to ask.
It sounds to me that one part of the puzzle is likely linked to you feeling unable to ask for help – when this is needed – this leaves you feeling on your own with it- so nothing changes. Sounds like you’ve tried dealing with it on your own but this isn’t working is it. Thing is, all of us need support in order to function. No man is an island as the saying goes – so true.
If you are able to care for your baby and type/feel you are a good mother as above, then you are doing better than it feels sometimes. Sounds like you need to pull in some support to me and that your achilles heel is that you feel unable to ask for help; when the key to healing is to reach out and strengthen support – give yourself what it is you need – meet your needs x
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I am sorry you are feeling so low honey, yes it is normal, we all go through the lowest part at some point.
You do sound like a wonderful caring mother, your baby is very lucky to have you care for her. Now it’s time you care for yourself. And you’ll need all the support you can get to climb out of this dark hole you’re in.
You sound terribly depressed, suffering under a heavy dark cloud and you understandably wish to have it gone. But not by removing yourself from life. No there is another way darling.
Writing here has been a brilliant action on your part.
Call the Samaritans. Even if you can’t utter a word or maybe just one and start crying, you do that, you’ll feel lighter afterwards.
Then tomorrow you call your GP and ask for an urgent appointment.
I understand completely your reluctance to admit how you truly feel to a professional. Here and with the Samaritans you can safely express yourself because of the anonymity.
With your GP maybe instead of using the heavy loaded noun suicide, describe how you feel. I listed below a range of signs of depression, see if any resonate with you.
• Tension
• Unrest
• Irritability
• Impatience
• Sleep disturbance
• Trouble getting up in the morning
• Strong fatigue, exhaustion, feelings of being overwhelmed and strained
• Loss of appetite or the opposite, dis regulation of eating habits
• Noise sensitivity
• pressure on your chest, in your head or other part of your body ( i get clenched teeth)
• general physical discomfort
• memory difficulties
• concentration difficulties
• difficulties in everyday decisions
• Performance decline in the professional field
• social withdrawal
• decreasing activity level
• weariness
• very reduced or no joy in life
• anxiety
• feeling of inner emptiness
• felling of numbness
• thoughts rumination
• worries about the future
• self-doubt, low self-confidenceFor inspiration for a better future, maybe visualise the first snowflakes falling this winter, you will want to see your baby’s reaction to it, what is this wet white little flake falling from the sky? why does it melt when I touch it?…there is so much to discover and you deserve to be there to enjoy these positive moments together with your baby. And next summer, enjoying a pick-nick in a park or garden pool. Imagine positive light moments for your future to keep you going.
Keep posting, keep writing how you feel and how you are doing. We are here for you and have been where you are now and it does get better, once this dark cloud dissipate, you’ll be able to see some blue sky again and feel better.
Take plenty of rest and drink plenty of water. Take some deep breaths.
Sending you a big hug 💕 -
Thank you for sharing your feelings FlowerBubble. Those feelings of wanting to remove oneself from life is very common. Are you still at the stage of feeling suicidal? Have you made plans? Please keep reaching out.
If you are able to muster the energy, please speak to the Samaritans. However c**p you feel, try to have someone else around.
You are not alone and so many of us here have experienced what you are going through and will hold your hand.
If you have reached the stage where life really isn’t making any sense any more, dial 999. You have nothing to be ashamed of. When we bear witness to terrible things that are out of our control, we try to take responsibility. Whatever else you do, please keep breathing.
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Hi Flowerbubble
You have been really brave to reach out for support with how you are feeling and as the other women have already said it is not uncommon to experience suicidal feelings based on the situation you are dealing with day in day out. It is hard looking after a baby even with a supportive partner but doing that whilst living with abuse is a very intense time for you and its ok to reach out for help.
You could contact the helpline on 08082000247 or your local DV service. You could also speak to your GP or the health visitor.
Talking on here is a great first step and the more you are able to talk about what is happening the lighter the load will feel over time. You are clearly an amazing mum, take each day one day at a time and post here for support whenever you want to.
Here for you
Lisa
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Thank you for the lovely replies it means so much just to be heard! I’m not with my partner anymore and he is in prison I’m waiting to go to court against him now. I’m getting help from IDAS it’s still early days my second appointment is tomorrow so hopefully as I see them more then the more it’ll help and I also am seeing my health visitor tomorrow. I always tell myself I’ll open up to these people but when it comes to the day I’m all smiles saying everything is fine and that I’m okay I just totally bottle it and I hate myself for doing so. The support is there from all angles but I’m just so afraid to really let that wall down and make the most of it . To drop the bombshell of “I’m suicidal” is so scary as my first thought is they’ll take my baby away!
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I know it’s scary to think really speaking up about how you feel will lead to unwanted professionals becoming involved with your child. How can any one of those professionals not expect you to feel this way? Please don’t think any of these professionals are in any way better than you. I can tell you that some may have even been where you are now. If your ex is in prison that says you’ve been through hell and back. And you’re still having to deal with process’s even after he’s gone. It’s such a shame that no one has seen through your smiles and really saw the pain you’re in.
You are a very strong woman. Look where you are now.
Social services can only become involved if your baby is at risk. Your baby is not at risk. You’ve taken your baby out of an abusive situation. Now you’re struggling. Of course you are. How could you not be?! Many parents have suicidal thoughts. I went to my GP in the past when I was feeling low with suicidal thoughts. At no point were social services mentioned and I have a child. I did what I needed to do so I could continue being the good mother I am. As you are now. That’s all anyone can ask of you.
Sometimes we need help. We all do. -
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Ok so I saw IDAS today and couldn’t tell her how I was really feeling I said I felt “low” & I saw the health visitor today as well and she hasn’t seen us for a couple of months so she was totally shocked to hear the news as last time she saw us me and my ex were looking at houses together! I told her I’m feeling depressed but I didn’t go into any further detail she says we need to keep an eye on this but gave me so many positive words about how proud she is of me and that I am amazing for battling all of this and still attending college. I have wrote a long note on my phone opening up about the suicidal feelings and I’m thinking of showing my mentor in college tomorrow, she is lovely and we are really close so maybe this will help? Or I might just bottle it again.
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your feeling low and depressed because of the abuse youve suffered and great turmoil youve gone through. i did an essay once on how people perceive one term. so we worry that mental health means that were crazy out of control and a harm to people. so not true this is a very broad term that can be brocken up. so yes a psychopath is a danger but you are suffering because you have been abused thats a different thing all together. your no risk to your child and this is all come from beyond your control. you need support to feel better and i know you will be fine. i dont think one of us can say on here we havent felt like this at one point xx i know i have xx
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Open up to anyone you feel you can. If you have this relationship with your mentor and are able to then share your note. Remember there’s nothing to feel ashamed about. No one, absolutely no one has the right to judge you. They haven’t walked in your shoes.
It can be hard to find the words. Sometimes it can feel like opening a flood gate. These dark days will pass. You’ve already come so far. -
How are you feeling today FlowerBubble?
Were you able to disclose your notes to your mentor?
Sending you hugs honey 💕-
Hi there HopeLifeJoy, I didn’t manage to give the letter to my mentor I got too scared (again)! But I’m going to try and speak with her tomorrow and give her it. Iv been feeling ok today but now I’m home the jobs are done and my baby is asleep I have no distractions and my mind is just wandering and I’m back at that dark mindset and low place again.
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I showed my mentor the letter today & it may not sound like it but it was such a huge step forward for me. She was so lovely, helpful and understanding as always and re assured me nothing is going to happen to my baby because I have disclosed these feelings & thoughts. We managed to have a laugh about things too even though it’s a serious situation that is why I really love speaking to her. She’s given me some options and I have a bit of thinking to do on what step to take next but I feel that little bit better for actually getting this off my chest. Thank you everyone!
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Well done that’s a very big step. So pleased you’re feeling like a weight lifted off you. Keep posting on here. It really does work to help us feel better. Always works for me!
We can only do our best on any given day and our best is always good enough. After all we are only human and living or having lived with abusers is too much for any normal person. -
Sending lots of love to you all xx
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