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    • #147733
      Tigger9
      Participant

      I need to leave my n********t partner but it’s my house not his. I’m struggling to find a way to get him to leave that won’t turn into him shouting at me in front of the children. Anything he disagrees with he shouts, any time he’s interrupted from ‘his time’ which is any time he’s home he shouts and gets stroppy at me or the children. The trouble is he’s really good with his words and I always end up feeling like I was in the wrong even when I know I’m in the right. I can’t argue my point with him, he just gets louder and louder and his voice gets deeper and deeper and I really am not up for a shouting match, I wouldn’t get anywhere with that.
      So how do I get him to leave when he doesn’t listen and always thinks he’s in the right. I would leave today if it wasn’t my house.

    • #147751
      tiredofitall
      Participant

      This has been my thinking for the last few years if not longer. I want him to leave because I can’t – its our house but i pay for everything because he can’t keep a job. He is a n********t too. Nothing i ever do is right, you only ever do what they want because if you make them do something that they dont want to do you’ll never hear the end of it and they’ll just spoil it.
      In the end, i realised that he would never leave. Why would he? He’s got the life he wants – only doing what he wants – with someone else taking all the responsibilities and then when he wants to give himself a boost he can turn on you and blame you for everything too.
      I wasn’t planning it but i just snapped and told him i wanted it to be over. He didn’t believe me at first but i moved into the (detail removed by moderator) and kept the message consistent and didn’t waiver. It has been as bad as i knew it would be. No-one knows unless you live with someone like that, just how capable they are of being incredibly spiteful. He has left today but we’ve had a few months of him constantly changing hsi mind and moving goalposts and of course, hating me throughout for hvaing the audacity to not want to be with him anymore. I dont know if he will come back (highly likely till i can get him to agree to be bought out) but I do know that I can’t go back and I don’t want to go back. Its absolutely killing me but this is the same behaviours [email protected] been living with for a long time, its just the reasons are different. I wish you luck and i really do hope he leaves. There were lots of times i wished he’d meet someone else just so he would leave on his own terms. stay strong. You’ll do what you need to when you are ready.

      • #147759
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        Amazing news that he’s left today xx

      • #147770
        Tigger9
        Participant

        That’s amazing news that’s he’s left today, well done I just need to conjure that same courage you had

    • #147755
      KillingMeSlowly
      Participant

      You can apply for an Occupation Order using Legal Aid due to the DV, which basically gives you the right to live in the property and prevents him returning and you can change the locks etc. Sometimes people are able to do this when the abuser is at work. My abuser was mainly never working so I was unable to do anything like that.

      Due to how dangerous it is when you cut them off, it is important to make a safety plan. So it is worth contacting your local DV organisation or Women’s Aid to get advice about this.

      I had a similar situation in that I realised my abuser would never leave. So I took steps to leave. He controlled the leaving process though and despite me trying to leave in an amicable way – that he agreed to and for a long time was on board with – eventually it came down to me fleeing and it then all kicked off… my safety plan became involving the police… something I’d tried to avoid!

      I’m free and currently safe now. So in the end it worked out as well as it ever would given his volatility and unpredictability.

    • #147757
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      There’s no ‘nice’ way. He won’t leave if you ask, he’ll lie and say he’s looking or saving up, but he won’t be. You’re his supply so as awful as it is, unfortunately you need to get ready for his reaction. You can look into occupation orders to get him out, you can ask the police to be present when he leaves I believe. If it’s your house, you can kick his stuff out and change the locks. But I get it, you want it to be as easy as possible. Like tired of it I had to make the statement it was over then stand my ground, with all of his reactions over several months, eventually I ended the tenancy and we both had to leave. You could speak to woman’s aid chatline too x

    • #147771
      Tigger9
      Participant

      Thank you for the replies, I will look into an occupation order.

      I do need to just tell him somehow, he’s not violent but he’s emotionally abusive and just shouts over anything I say that he doesn’t agree with. He’s basically only here because he can’t afford to live without me. But he is constantly snapping and shouting at everything that me and the children do when he’s having his time, which is all the time he’s home. He’s trying to control when I can have access to a vehicle but in a very manipulative way so to the outside it looks as though he is being caring. To the outside world he looks like he’s amazing but behind closed doors he’s not. He cycles from being awful to being nice so I feel like I’m going insane, but I’ve now read about the cycle of abuse and his behaviour follows this.

      • #147772
        KillingMeSlowly
        Participant

        Tigger

        Have a read of Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You can Google it and ‘free PDF’ and it will come up. You can download it and then delete it as many times as you need.

        Also Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven is another helpful book.

      • #147802
        Tigger9
        Participant

        Thank you, I will definitely look at those

    • #147790
      VikingQueen
      Participant

      Tigger, I can really identify with your post, my house is in my name, I bought it well before I met him and I pay all the mortgage, so you can’t “just leave”.
      My partner sounds similar to you, I could have almost written your post. I think standing firm with your decision is hard but will be worth it. Keep going and you’ll soon be free ❤️

      • #147803
        Tigger9
        Participant

        Thank you, it is really hard knowing I can’t just leave. Especially when I know if it wasn’t my house I would be able to leave even if it meant fleeing.

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