Trapped and hopeless

[Apples]

I am desperate to leave with my children but I just can’t find a way out. So I find myself stuck in this endless cycle of swinging from his nice, guilt inducing behaviour and putting up with the mood swings he continuously has, especially if I remotely speak my mind and don’t keep the peace.
I’m exhausted and tired, emotionally.
I blame myself for my situation somewhat because I got back with him having realised I fell hook, line and sinker for his manipulation.
But I am certain I don’t want to be with him any more.
If I tell him directly I fear that he will be violent again as he is not psychologically stable.
So I need to leave as secretly as possible however I feel hopeless.
I don’t have enough money for a deposit to rent and I don’t have good credit which makes finding a place seem impossible.
I joined the housing register months ago but my application hasn’t even been looked at.
Today I tried to call the Womens Aid local to me in their duty number but no reply or return of my call.
I feel no one is interested, I can’t access help and there is a brick wall whichever way I turn.
I’m exhausted and just want a quiet life, just me and my kids.
I am safe as long as I keep the peace and I know very well how to do that but am stuck.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Apples

There are very many women out there dedicated to supporting women like yourself, but it seems there are always enough of them to go around the high levels of need, maybe they will call later today, or Monday, there is also the chat option here to a support worker as an option for talking through what ways and means there are to help you with the practicals like the finances/housing.

I can hear your exhaustion at keeping going and always trying to keep the peace is so tiring. However, you nailed it when you said ‘his manipulations’, this is why you are still there, all of it is horrible manipulations and lies, empty promises, reeling you back in. Its very common for women to take many times to leave, just because of the nature of the abuse, its not like any healthy relationship. Please don’t blame yourself for this, you have enough to manage.

Just a thought, and it might not fit your situation, but is it possible for him to leave so you and the children can remain?

It will be easier for him to find a room/bed somewhere than for you with children. Have you considered getting a non-molestation order against him, so he has to stay away from you?

Do keep posting whenever you feel it will help.

warmest wishes

ts

[Bananaboat]

Contact your council/housing association and inform them the reason for the application is to leave domestic abuse. This should bump up your banding, there may still be a wait but a lot lot shorter as you’re likely to be classed as at risk of homelessness. I had to make a separate homelessness application on top, but they were really helpful. Other routes are finding a refuge or seeking occupation order. Speak to womansaid chatline, you can escape x

[Escapee123]

Hi,

I have only recently left my abusive relationship after (detail removed by moderator), I actually left with no where to go and ended up living in a (detail removed by moderator) until yesterday when I moved into my own rental property.

There is a lot of help available for women in your position (I was coerced into selling my home so had some capital but was offered financial help countless times).

Start with calling the Domestic abuse helpline (national) 0808 2000 247 and explain the abuse. They will give you a case number and this can be evidence if you chose in the future. They allocated me a IDVA (independent domestic abuse advocate) who has been wonderful and directed me all the way, mention this to them. They can also help you find emergency housing or a womens refuge to stay in.

Google the integrated abuse service for you local council and call them and explain everything.

You mentioned kids, call FLOWS on 0203 745 7707 who can offer free legal advice and help you with molestation, prohibited steps, injunctions etc. and you will get legal aid because of the circumstances.

When you are ready to leave, download an app called HOllyguard. You can then set this up with emergency contacts and a simple shake will alert them if he gets violent with you and start recording the incident.

If he gets violent, ever, call 999 and don’t speak just dial an extra 55 and they will record the event and trace you.

Call your GP, they can also offer a lot of support.

Keep in touch with your support network, if he is coercive or emotionally abusive you will have doubts / guilt / or even question if its really abuse, if you want to, tell them everything and ask them to help you break away. My Mum had to physically walk me into the bank to close our joint account as I was so anxious and frightened to do it, things like that is always better to have support.

Don’t keep thinking it’s not the right time, it never will be. Wait until it’s safe, and leave – tell yourself you are breaking the cycle for your kids and you deserve happiness, you do.

It’s still raw for me currently but I’m making baby steps. I have 2 children and am only just starting the legal route, which will end up in more abuse as my partner was a n********t.

Download an app called “BrightSky” and log every event of abuse. It will send it to a secure email address and not store anything on your phone. It’s disguised as a weather app unless you know how to get into it so he won’t know. That will help you later down the line. These can be used as evidence later if needed.

Please try not to feel hopeless, I know exactly how you feel. Better days are out there x*x

[Apples]

I just wanted to say thank you for your helpful advice – so many resources that will definitely help!
I had a meeting with a person from Womens aid and she was so helpful and kind and the ball is starting to roll finally!
I’m feeling trapped still and don’t want to be here with him but I have hope that we will find somewhere to escape to soon.

Thanks again – I really do appreciate your support.

[Author]

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