Trapped by my own guilt

[Bumblebee1000]

Firstly I want to say thank you to those who have commented on my previous posts! I really appreciate your kind words, it really helps. I tried to come on sooner but he monitors what I do on my phone.

Anyway just really needed to get something off my chest and see if anyone had any advice.

After all that he’s done to me all I keep worrying about is what will happen to him when I’ve got him out. The tenancy is in my name, he doesn’t work. Has no family or friends. He may have done unforgivable things to me, but he does adore our daughter and she adores him. For now, she doesn’t understand what goes on, but I know very soon she will which is my motivation for getting out. I wrote an actual list of ways I could help him, like save for a deposit for him for a house share! I feel sick with guilt but then I remember the times I was honestly scared for my life in the middle of the night when he would start attacking me over something silly or when he smashed the house up, ruining all the things I saved and worked hard for. And I know that I HAVE to go. I can’t continue living life like this but how do I stop worrying about him? We’ve been through so much together, he is all I’ve ever really known. I know he won’t go quietly. He’s been to prison for similar with his ex. My actual plan for getting him out is overshadowed with worrying about how him. But I can’t stop with this guilt.

Thank you xx

[fizzylem]

If I had had the money I would have gladly paid to get him out at the time; I didn’t, so instead I helped him fill out forms for financial help, however, if he’s controlling, sore, reacts from emotions and the rejection, then it will make no difference at all what you do to try and help as he will find ways to continue to do this through your child. I helped, got me nowhere.

It really is better for the child if you put in clear, firm boundaries for you and his contact time – otherwise it can cause stress and distress for the child when he starts to use her to get at you.

He may adore her and this won’t change, but as soon as he knows you no longer want him – highly likely you will see yet another disgusting part of him – the man who is ignorant to his own child’s needs, still reacts from his emotions and puts himself self and what he wants first – regardless of who this is and this will include your child. You’ve said you suspect he won’t take this lying down – trust what your gut is telling you here and try to stay one step ahead – he will exploit the guilt you feel for sure; don’t let him, it’s you and your girl now; deal with him with your integrity instead – won’t let you down, but the guilt will every time.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about x

[EbonyRaven]

If he hadn’t behaved in the way that has brought you to this, you wouldn’t have to be making this choice. You don’t have to feel guilty for his behaviours, give them back to him. He caused this.

You do not have to carry his burdens.

[Escapee]

Hi Bumblebee,

I really appreciate how you want to protect him from homelessness, but you have to put yourself and you daughter first. You have nothing to feel guilty about – it is his call to behave in the way he does; he is responsible for his own behaviour and the consequences that follow.

There are always hostels he could go into if he can’t sofa surf for a while.

Let’s face it, we sofa surf with children to escape abuse so why shouldn’t the abuser be the one that has to deal with that.

Good lucky honey and please don’t feel guilty for what he is bringing on himself. Xx

[Author]

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