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    • #60917
      Iwon
      Participant

      I read a brilliant post today by freedomtochoose which really struck me. Under the heading what moment made you decided to leave an abusive relationship.

      I could have written it myself. She said her moment was when she came home to a note on the table telling her he had moved all the money out of joint bank account to his own private account.

      Freedom to choose said she knew then even if she wanted to leave with her child she would be leaving with nothing and that’s what this brave lady did.

      I was the bread winner. Well my husband set up silly pretend businesses but never brought in a wage, just lots of debt which was half mine as I married him.

      He never allowed me access to money. I managed to get the family allowance paid into my personal bank account. If he thought I had any penny he would rage for hours until I gave it to him.

      I just thought he was a gambling addict and c**p with money and too lazy to work.

      I now years on after seeing all the financial lies I found when I was divorcing him realize he set me up to drain me and tie me up in debt because I had no financial resources to leave and he had destroyed my credit rating.

      I have cone to realize it was a ploy. The person who holds the purse strings in an abusive relationship is always the abuser in my opinion because if the victim had access to household funds they would have the freedom to choose.

      Freedom to choose found it so interesting your ex admitted he had tried to bully you out of the house. Mine did that at the end but he got so abusive he got removed instead.

      Has anyone had similar experiences with finances?

    • #60921
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Hi Iwon,

      It’s funny that you posted this just now as I was just talking finances on my reply to my earlier post “self sabotage”.

      In my case, I held the purse strings according to him and he used it as a tool to abuse me. All our accounts were joint, we made (apparently) joint decisions as to what to spend our money on, but it was entirely my responsibility to manage. The moving goalposts and my eventual (only recognised once free) deep depression meant that it all decended into chaos. I still can’t look at a balance slip without breaking out into a cold sweat and feeling sick to my stomach.

      I was made responsible (& therefore criticise-able!) about everything- what I prioritised, what i did or didn’t do, how i did it, etc, etc. The entitlement dressed up as helplessness was pathetic.

      It was just another ‘stick’ to mentally beat me with.

      Iwillbeok x

    • #60922
      KIP.
      Participant

      My ex took my bank card off me then emptied the account over the next few months. He cancelled all the direct debits and wanted me to pay half knowing I couldn’t afford to. He thought if I had no money I couldn’t or wouldn’t leave. He thought having all the money gave him power and control. I remember having to have sex to get money for new white goods for the kitchen. The police officer pointed out to me that he used them too. That’s how traumatised I was.

    • #60924

      Iwon I am so grateful for this thread, although it is so very very painful,
      it is the first time I have spoken out about things before in this respect.

      I couldn’t have said better what you ladies have said.

      I know that my ex used money to turn the screw as it were.

      I am still working it through and so comforted to feel other ladies understand.
      I am still working it through.
      The good news is, no one these days and nothing accesses my bank account.
      And me and my babes are captain and first mate of the ship.
      Long may we sail…

      big hugs
      I am so relieved that you are all writing about this
      it was one of the most awful things because I know that women with small children are vulnerable in this respect especially if we are still married.
      ftc
      x

    • #60926

      And I was leaving with nothing financially
      but at the same time I was leaving with the greatest riches
      in the world, because I was leaving with my babes and love for my
      babes.

      Money can’t buy you love

      x

    • #60934
      Iwon
      Participant

      Hi freedom to choose. Hope you didn’t mind me referencing your post. It just touched me how brave you are and we all are.

      I read about mons who end up with shared custody. I thank God I kept my babe. I agree.

      That said i don’t think mons and kids should suffer like this x

    • #60948

      No don’t mind at all iwon. Totally agree that moms and kids shouldn’t suffer like this.
      ftc
      x

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