Trapped

[Anonymous]

I feel trapped, I have no family or friends to stay with, nor can I afford to move out and rent and keep paying the mortgage, childcare, etc. We are both sticking our heads in the sand, neither brave enough to say it. I’m scared he will be aggressive and make my life a living hell, if I say it and have to stay there. I want him to say it. He has asked me to leave (detail removed by Moderator) times in the last year, but we have a primary age son, and a live in au pair. we have effectively lived separate lives for over (detail removed by Moderator) years, although sharing a house, we are married. I don’t know what to do… everyone’s suffering and I have no strength or support for the ‘fight’…he will not be calm or reasonable. Should I just suffer for the sake of my child, until he’s changing to secondary school? I know the legal view, but it’s his behaviour I’m scared of…

[cupofcoffee]

Please do not stay for the sake of your child, I am sure that your child is picking up on the tension in the house and will be much more relieved to live in a calmer house with a happy mum. The fact that you are scared of him to have a reasonable discussion about his behaviour and your future is really worrying.

Can you talk to the au pair who I am sure is on your side and has probably witnessed or heard things? You need to start gathering evidence of your husbands behaviour.

Could you speak to a solicitor for some advice also? Most offer free half hour consultations, and you may get some valuable advice about finances and the house. My ex too tried to intimidate me about the house and money and that I would “end up with nothing” but thanks to my solicitor I kept the house, he has to pay maintenance, and I am much happier and in a better position.

Please stay strong and fight this, there is lots of help out there and you may find that you will feel so much more relief and happiness when you make the change than putting up with an intolerable situation, for both you and your child.

[Tiffany]

Have you looked into refuge options? Try calling the helpline for advice.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your support, I doubt I would get any option for refuge, as I work full time. However, I think that he will claim he has more rights to keep the house because he paid a big deposit with an inheritance. I cannot afford to rent and still pay half the mortgage and other costs, because we live in a city. Can I get the full deeds from thr land registry without him knowing? My name is on the title deeds, but I don’t remember if I signed a waiver because of his bigger contribution?

[Anonymous]

So I finally let it out, (detail removed by moderator) worth, he argued that I was an absent wife and mother, (in the sense my mind was always elsewhere), which is kind of true, but I didn’t back down. It was weird for about a week after that, because neither of us came to a decision that day, but it was clear that we’re both too terrified to put our child through a divorce. He made it clear that I could leave, of my own accord, anytime, but he would not divorce me or leave himself. So my mood is really low, I feel so unhappy, so trapped (even having kidnapped/trapped nightmares). I haven’t been to a lawyer because I don’t want to hurt my son, but there has to be more than life than this?

[endoftherainbow]

Hello, I understand you don’t want to hurt your son, but the unhappy life your living us more damaging than divorce. I stayed for years for the sake of my kids, I regret this so much. My youngest has emotional and mental issues, and my son left home as a young teen and has cut himself off from me totally. I wish I had left years ago when they were young enough to not be as damaged. I’m only speaking from my experience, young children are very resilient, I’m sure your son would prefer two happy divorced parents than unhappy ones. Good luck and big hugs x*x

[KIP.]

Please get good legal advice first. My ex told me all sorts of lies and when I finally spoke to a professional solicitor I was entitled to so much more than my ex said. It’s better to come from a broken home than an abusive one. Children are very resilient. If they have a happy mum, they are happy. My ex used to say the same thing. You can go but you’re not taking our son. It’s just another tactic to keep you trapped. Trying to negotiate with these men is pointless. Get good legal advice. Ring the helpline number on here too. Remember they are most dangerous when we try to end things but there is lots and lots of help out there for Women in your position. I was overwhelmed with it all.

[she-ra]

Hello lovely,

I agree with the other ladies negotiating or trying to reason with these men will never ever work, it has taken me such a long time to understand this. I also second what the other lovely ladies said, please don’t stay for the sake of your son. I have been staying for the sake of my children and I have really noticed a change in their behaviour lately, it’s breaking my heart. The way they are talking to each other mirrors exactly how he talks to me and treats me. It is awful to see. I too work full time and thought I couldn’t rent somewhere on my own but was pleasantly surprised when I recently enquired about a house on my own and was told I should be ok to rent it on my own. There are definitely options please talk to someone who will be able to advise you re housing. Good luck x*x

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Peppar,
So sorry you’re going through such hell at the moment. I have been where you are now (except I didn’t have any help with house work and had two children) and a husband who refused to help with child care or domestic chores.
I can also bare witness that it’s pointless trying to reason with these men. They believe they have divine rights, but we don’t even have basic human rights.
Regarding staying for your son’s benefit, I have had to watch my eldest turn into a clone of his father and my younger son’s slowly being destroyed like me. Both scenarios are breaking my heart and have finally plucked up the courage to seek help legally, financially and support and housing too.
Trust me, just about every woman on this forum has felt trapped and isolated, afraid and not knowing where to turn. The help is out there waiting. You have already recognised that there’s a problem, already reaching out for support on here. The first steps are always the hardest. Try phoning either Women’s aid, citizens advice bureau, women’s rights or having a talk to your GP for support and advice. Don’t face this alone, that is what they want. You and your son deserve to be happy. Good luck

[Ayanna]

Speak to Rights of Women.
They can also direct you further.
You need to get out of there.
It is better to move away. You would not like the bad memories in the house.
Just do it.
Things will work out.
Sometimes we have to loose a lot in order to gain more.
Feel the fear and do it anyway.

[freedomtochoose]

Just read this post. Please take your child/children and go to refuge. Nothing, not a full-time job or a house is worth the impact of this on you and your children.

There will be losses. But after doing this years, on, and even on my worst days – I don’t regret it.
Tonight is parents evening. My child is doing so well at school, sings in the kitchen, has shed loads of friends. If I had made a different decision and not gone to refuge – I dread to think where she would be now, or what her mental health would be doing (and mine).

As I said, even on my worst days, it was all worth it. When you go to refuge you should get the support and can begin disentangling yourself from this man.

x

[Anonymous]

I spoke with a mediator, who helped my cousin through a truly awful divorce, and she was wonderful, but with things being calm (detail removed by moderator)things were ok, but now we’re back to hell, he told me to f-/: off in earshot of my son and I though he would throw the dinner at me (again), he’s done it once before. I think he hasn’t the courage to be a decent human, he’s drinking more (a botle of wine a night sometimes), I don’t drink really. I have been leaving early and coming home late from work to avoid him, but I think it’s simply that he will be so horrible until I can’t bear it and I leave and then he can blame me for everything. He’s a head case, truly, bonkers over the tiniest thing, greet me when I cone home, what’s for dinner the second I get home, he conducts his life from his backside and thinks parenting is buying trillions or toys, playing video games and never saying no to our child. So then I’m automatically the ‘bad mother’ because I thing children should earn rewards and do as they are asked by their parent. I used to argue back, but now I don’t even bother. I don’t see how this can work even if I file for divorce, he would never comply, will lie lie lie about me, he is very accomplished at that. I have nowhere to go, he will never leave the house and he would rather see me dead than let me care for iur son. I think he’s really not normal…thsnkfully I’m going away for work for a week, so I can line up a solicitor hopefully…thank you for all your support, it means the world to me xxo

[Tiffany]

Unfortunately it isn’t ever going to be better long term. You are right, these men are not normal. They are only interested in control. That’s why he says that you can leave, but he won’t leave you. He knows that you want out, but is confident that you don’t have the confidence to do it. Prove him wrong. If he was worth staying with he would be doing everything he could to make things better for you, up to and including leaving. He isn’t because he is only interested in meeting his own needs. I am so glad you are making steps towards leaving. I hope the solicitors appointment goes well.

[maddog]

You are doing so well to recognise all the rubbish for what it is. You can get out. Please don’t try and do it alone. These abusers are experts in their field. They’ve had a lifetime of practice. Your local Women’s Aid will be able to support you and should be able to recommend a solicitor who specialises in domestic abuse.

Your husband sounds very like my ex. Horrible man. You may find the police a good source of support as well.

It is important to keep a diary of all the interactions you have with your husband. The Fear, Obligation and Guilt will lift.

Please keep on posting. You deserve so much better. We all want to be loved and cherished, but no-one wants to be trodden on and have the life squished out of them. My ex told me that he’s not a monster (???????). I think he is missing a bit of his brain.

[Aaaaaaaa]

Hi
I am new on here and feel so trapped.
Reading these posts make me feel more assertive in leaving my controlling husband and his nastiness is getting worse. Not just to me but to his family.
It’s unbearable.
I have joined a housing list and keep bidding on properties. I cannot afford private accommodation, so I am stuck in his house. He (detail removed by moderator) so I do not know where I stand in his property. My children are not his and he has no interest in his own children who as they are getting older are having less and less to do with him.
My family live miles away. My children have busy lives here lots of friends and are doing well in the careers they are training forthe have and I enjoy my job.
The most recent incident was (detail removed by moderator) all his family were gob smacked at his actions as it affected his mum and he abandoned his daughters, (detail removed by moderator). Everyone is disgusted yet he does not think he has done anything wrong. He told me yet again to leave, we have nowhere to go. It’s like I am banging my head against a brick wall trying to get a council house.
All his associates think he is the best thing since sliced bread as they do not know what he is truly like. In a way I am glad last weekend happened as for years he made to his mum that I am the one in the marriage who is the wrong Un. His son defends my children and myself and has done for years.
How do I get help to move us on
Sorry if I am not giving alot of information
He does drink and taken drugs then twists it saying I am doing the same even though I am not.
In the past I have tried all sorts to make the marriage work and tried to back down after the controlling and abuse
When comes to finances he has a very good wage and I earn alot less but pay half of everything apart from mortgage. If I asked him to borrowcsay £10 he would not stop mentioning it until I gave it back yet he owes me for (detail removed by moderator) and he knows I need the money back but is with holding it.
There are lots and lots of scenarios which I could mention in different areas of my marriage that not as the should be ie unsupportive, he has even use mild physical abuse, disrespectful, accusing etc etc etc
Many of your posts I have just been reading and feel like I am reading about us with what everyone is writing
Oh my God that’s me, that’s what I going through
What do I do, help

[Author]

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