Trauma Bond

[Sadbunny]

Hi all,

I am finding it difficult to sleep and I’m hoping to get my feelings out and find some advice.

After (detail removed by Moderator) years of living with an abusive, controlling partner he left for good (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago. He is currently in homeless accommodation awaiting rehousing. Deep down I know it is for the best. The children are much happier, they haven’t mentioned him which I took as such a positive step in the right direction and proof of how toxic the environment has been for them. Seeing how happy they were helped the transition from two parent family to single parent household and helped show me how right it was to stick to what I know is best and not take him back. It even hushed his critical voice in my head, knowing how happy they felt. I get constant hugs and love and I know everything he has ever said to me was just to knock my confidence and have me submissive to his every wants and desires. I have tried to leave many times over the years but always reconcile.

For (detail removed by Moderator) years I have lied to my family, friends, midwives, police, school about bruises, property damage and abuse. Some people have seen red flags and questioned why I was with him but I’ve always managed to play it off. It has been a very hard and traumatic (detail removed by Moderator) years. I have been so depressed and at times have felt unable to cope. There’s been alot of damage to my self esteem, confidence, body and mental health.

The first (detail removed by Moderator) weeks with no contact I deep cleaned and decorated. I felt my mood shift there were so many reasons to be happier and I was less anxious around the house. (detail removed by Moderator) he has needed to collect things when he came he proceeded to tell me why it didn’t work between us, what he needs in a woman, I was the reason for his reactions, I’m crazy and it’s my fault he is where he is. (detail removed by Moderator) he said he wants nothing to do with me, he’s focusing on himself. News I would of thought would bring me joy. So why am I so emotional? Why am I not happy?

I’m angry with myself for feeling the way I do. I’m embarrassed for all the begging and pleading I have done. What is wrong with me? He abused me that can never be right. Why do I want him to come back home, what is wrong with me? I feel like a failure, I feel like I’m letting the children down, myself down. This is the life I’ve been dreaming of for so long. A time when its just the kids and I and now I have it I can’t stop reaching out to him. All I am getting is rejection so I don’t understand why I haven’t stopped. It’s ridiculous, I’m a mess and I don’t know how to fix myself. I don’t know how to heal, how to move forward. How do I break this bond? Why do I feel like I cant move on? Is there anything I can do? I’m really struggling to cope. I feel hopeless. I’m trying not to overwhelm myself but it’s difficult. I don’t want to keep crying all the time. I’m so ashamed of my life. I wish I could take back the last (detail removed by Moderator)years :'(

[KIP.]

Hi, what you’re going through is like withdrawal from a drug habit. The trauma bond is painful because you’ve always looked to him for your sense of self worth and now he’s withholding that. The best way forward is absolutely zero contact until you’re stronger. But you will probably always be vulnerable in some way to him because of the years of brainwashing and programming. Try writing a journal of all his abuse and how it made you feel. Try to get some counselling. They way they discard us and blame us is also confusing because no one would treat us this badly if we hadn’t done anything. But abusers do. It’s crazy making. They dump on us. He’s not finished punishment yet. He’s going to play the game for a while, then slowly try to hook you back in. That’s why zero contact is so important. Any contact is toxic. While he is out the house I’d try to get an occupation order preventing his return because if he’s legally entitled to be there, you can bet he will come back. Use a third party for all contact.read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Healing from Hidden Abuse By Shannon Thomas. Remember as human beings we crave what is normal even if that normal is abuse and we still have to grieve for the relationship and the hopes we had so be very kind to yourself but cut him completely out your loop x

[Sadbunny]

Thank you for your reply Kip. I am searching for counselling near me and I have ordered those books along with the workbook for living with the dominator. I really hope this helps. I got little sleep lastnight but I have deleted his number and will be trying to turn to my journal when I feel the urge. The more I listed my abuse the more ridiculous my feelings felt but it was so good to get it all out and look at what he has done and be reminded of why I am on the right path and should refrain from contact. You are right even after moving on that vulnerability will be there. I wrote all the pros and cons, the amount of cons. I felt slightly happy at what I will no longer encounter on a daily basis. The sadness is there but a weird happiness also. I need to remain strong maybe this is what empowerment feels like. Thank you for your suggestions, it’s so appreciated x.

[gettingtired]

Hi there, I can really relate to how you’re feeling. I’m still with partner but he’s threatened to end our relationship so many times over the years and it would always send me into a meltdown/panic where I’d cry and beg. The rejection was just too much. I now know he is abusive and that it’s not normal to threaten to end your relationship all the time so I don’t beg him not to anymore. I still feel very doubtful and scared when he’s done it over the past few months (even though him dumping me would probably be a blessing!).
It’s so confusing. I don’t feel I can say much more other than agree with Kip as I haven’t experienced leaving yet but I think any contact will be toxic. Keep posting if you need more advice/support x*x

[Sadbunny]

I cant quite believe how much I have begged and pleaded. I was doing so well for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks, feeling free and alive. It really is a rollercoaster of emotions and complex when children are involved. Honestly love is not supposed to feel like this. We shouldn’t need to beg or plead to be loved. It really is a blessing when they themselves walk away. I need to keep reminding myself of that because my feelings are up and down. I know you’re still in it so it must be hard for you to respond but I thank you for your reply. I have felt so alone for so long and been made to feel crazy. They are smart at that. It’s nice to know people are out there who understand x.

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